Poetry Forum

Thanks guys I'm definitely not completely in love with this one myself - I keep it around because it has a few lines I like, but your critiques are mostly spot on. I'll definitely get on top of the metrical pattern, at least, and see where it goes from there.

Yeah, I worked on them at the same time, and they're both sonnets. Only real difference is that this one plays with slant rhyme more. And that it's supposed to be sexual, but I tend to have trouble with that sort of thing, so the difference may or may not be discernable. Thanks for your crits - both...

Wow...that seemed harsh. I agree that it needs honing, but I think I can try to give some more specific critique. When it comes to the beginning, I would consider taking out the two "with"s. I might also consider replacing your use of the indefinite article ("a") with either &quo...

Wow, this is really good. I wonder about replacing "upon" with "on" in the second line - it would carry the iambic rhythm better. I also love the allusion to Picasso - great image. About the last line - you might want to watch the rhythm there - the "twenty percent" bre...

His hand on the blade of my shoulder, warm rubs soothing circles as I cradle my arm to my chest and shake, a huddled, quaking form. "You did so well," he says, an incantation, subtle charm to ease the weight of knowledge: I wasn't brave. I wasn't good, but still he stayed and promised me, ...

Sky born riders on the morning sun navigate the glistening wind. Acid rain destroys their charts and leaves them giddy up through an asteroid field of dreams. How about "erodes" instead of "destroys"? Just a thought. Also, I wonder about making the last three lines into two, bre...

on a mission in a vacuum, free with outrageous ease, we're sat, defying the incumbent choice fatigue of leaders selling advantages of some probability lead existence twenty years away; if we were light enough high stakes in titanic boats at the top of society's order, mutiny's our kind of crime if ...

I feel her fingers tracing out warm paths, sketching circles on my back while my own cold hands, somehow steady and firm trace her in return, closed eyes reflecting reds and purples behind closed lids, dancing stars as I feel my body warm. A puff of hot breath (noisy) escapes parted lips as I bend t...

when I met you it came to my mind - the story of an old hassid who believed that every word he utters brings him closer to death. the year was 1939. september came along with its suddenness sunburnt people were freezing on roadsides. roads were raising clouds of dust and the dust was settling on th...

I'll take up the challenge - I'm going to have to go at it in pieces though, I think. Whew, and I thought I wrote long poems ;) Republic Another night of smoke and speed in Republic, selling sweet white wine to drunk brothers with a saccharine smile, a silent roll of the eyes. Her involuntary hip-sw...

I'm glad the "viscerally" thing was pointed out to me - I'll definitely get on that. I'm also grateful for the other feedback concerning line length and overall poem length, though I can't see cutting much of it out at this point. I'm about ready to lay this poem to rest now, I think. I gu...

Please move it, then - I can always benefit from harsher critique Thanks!

Wow, that's high praise :) Thanks. I'd like to think this one is indicative of my skill level, but I do consider it the best work I have right now. I have been working on it for the better part of a year, trying to get it to a place where I'm satisfied with it, and I think it's almost there. At this...

CLOSED

Empty bottles meet empty promises, The way you repeat "empty" combined with the assonance between bottles/promises gives this first line a nice, rhythmic feeling. The line almost feels zeugma-esque, though not quite still they drink for all it's worth. I thought the correct idiomatic usage...

Today, two angels approached me, and all I could say was sorry. It was strange. It seems like you're trying to use these first four lines to "set the scene" but sometimes it's better to just start with an image and let the reader go from there. Consider eliminating these four lines. Howeve...