Poetry Forum

Love love

[youtube]http://youtu.be/KdELzBV9pyo[/youtube]

Like the concept and looseness of this. The surreal juxtaposition between each set is great. Not sure if there is a narrative running through it or an overriding idea but great all the same.

Love the line about the communists.

Antcliff and , thanks for the thumbs up. Appreciated as always. Ros, given the feedback from Penguin, if I implied the monkey then the it was can be removed. And Penguin, yep, agreed, it would be better implied and sorry for the lack of humour! Also do you know who this is about? Only ask as the gin...

Version Two (no major changed. just the removal of explicit monkey references - no added humour) On Monday I went to work to find my boss had replaced by a big hairy thing with a leathery hand and a firm grip. Our first departmental meeting was awkward, what with his inability to talk and his desire...

not really sure what's being said here or what the intentions are.

I am a stupid jerk
Sane at home, but daft at work
Exhibiting the many quirks
I'm never able to explain

seems to give the impression of a David Brent character, annoying and sad rather than depressed.

really like the automatic writing / stream of consciousness vibe. Not a great fan of the third bit, all that bladder/ladder etc but think it really picks up in India. I'm not going to say I understand what any of it means but that's what I enjoyed about it. I can imagine The Fall "singing"...

a song about Regan (but not skeletons)

http://youtu.be/Su0Hvt6hTmA

hi all - Ros and Seth, thanks for the feedback. Your right, it doesn't really go anywhere but I rather like the fact its relatively self contained and needs little explanation (I hope...), also Ros, have made the it's amended. Champion, thanks, glad you liked the imagery! David, thanks for the point...

I've seen the decimation of a town
when it's specialist industry closes

that yo-yo factory where workers hung themselves from lampposts
and bounced up and down

up and down.

thanks for the feedback people.

Ive tidied up the last part so hopefully it reads better - nothing major

rather enjoyed that - I've recently been looking into haibun, like the idea of a part prose / part poem and agree with David that the poetry sections are far stronger then the prose. I did think the first line, would be better without the Afghanistan reference, I much preferred the surreal / superhe...

Hello Seth, Thanks for the feedback. Re: the stationary / stationery line - would it help if I said I meant it to read that way to give the impression his life was full of inertia, wasn't moving anywhere? I thought not :). But if you got the "Lost, wasting life in large office " vive then ...

Version 2 lost in office corridors that appear endless that stretch on for miles through unchartered architectural plans meeting rooms of people meeting projectors wide screen tele- conferences with colleagues in countries new latitudes and dialling codes where the currency is colourful and worthles...

from country JOE and Vietnam all the way to Washington and the straight edge of Fugazi

http://youtu.be/jNTboa7lA0w

Rather like this account of a one night stand and think that the first half works well on its own and doesn't really need the second half.

Sort of like the roused / doused rhyme as well -

And a big fan of the title - so hurrah and well done.

tenuous link but offspring = son

http://youtu.be/ec0XKhAHR5I

Really like the first two lines.. A hearse curb crawls close by, we know that driver's fare is far too high. and is the rest about a drunk angel? That would be great poem in its own right. As for the structure, I'm personally not a great fan of poems that rhyme - simply because it often seems that w...

Og, following on for your last post, Ive been looking into haibun and am just getting my head around the structure etc but its something I want to explore (along with more haiku) as I'm looking at ways to simplify my writing.

Can you suggest any good examples you could recommend?

one and all, thanks for the collective thumbs up. Kev, they say write about what you know, and I many hours on busses and trains and luckily it provides plenty of time to think and observe and that's where this piece came from. In fact I've written a series of short bits (well, they are mainly faceb...

Agreed that its easy to read I think the idea that everyone can be, or as the potential to be an artist is a noble thought. Which probably explains why we are here on this site, trying to sharpen out tools, so to speak. As Og said, a good clear structure, however, the image of a plastic bag blowing ...

I am facing the way I am moving and I think this seat is damp and the man in front, he is counting lamp-posts as they go by one, two, he doesn’t know if he should include telegraph poles as lamp-posts, a pause a decision, no, three, four etc etc. To my right a boy wears headphones so large, its like...

though the whole piece could have done without the second part as it just brings images of prisoners scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes, which Im sure wasn't the intention or the image you wanted?

If it was, then you were spot one.

hello there, I rather liked the imagery and the ideas behind it, especially the My beaches are littered with used needles and the tide smells of insulin makes a change from beaches full of used condoms, plastic bottles and dog shit. However, not sure why the change from the mans country to yours? an...

Mac. like the suggestions. Will most certainly lose the dew, clichéd and weak. And I like the idea of litter having / making noise. A can being blown by the breeze. Something to work in maybe? David 2 (what happened to David1?) - hello there - I find parks slightly eerie early in the morning - the s...

thanks for the feedback people. Agree with the double spacing, looks pretty awful! Nash, I think I was trying something different hence the deviation from the norm , but will have to revisit it (and start with changing the spacing) - maybe with this one I'm best start from the bottom and work up. An...