Poetry Forum

I really like, Slowly, London wakes with grit in it’s eye as I cross the bridge to the other side - sounds so original and is suggestive of the north south divide. I think the use of 2nd person is really effective, as it suggests a number of things: 1. the speaker doesn't want to admit it's their li...

Lights go on at The Electric's door, Pseudo boho is the style du jour. Enclave of counter-culture no more, The artists fled and so did the poor... He likes to walk the Portobello at dusk on a Saturday 'round seven. The fruit and veg is gone, antiques rattle back into their cases. Collectable camera...

Tried to follow it, failed, tried again, failed. I think there might be something wrong with me. Evenually, just gave up and enjoyed the fun sounds and rhythms. Like it.

Sarah.

Hello, I like the first 2 lines: Muzzy head, wedged fluffy, fuzzy, eyelids heavy. - it's like you've made up words and meanings. Also, it's hard to read, which reflects the mood/feeling you're trying to convey. Some images would benefit from being more precise: these tired pupils, dull flickering bl...

The Souks Rich steam suffused with smoke from burnt jasmine, shishas, roasting meat, rises from a cluttered souk. Robes the length of the floor drift towards cover, linens flapping in a heavy breeze behind them. The air promises the rain they want. A chill, then a light sheath of cool sweat escapes ...

Agreed, especially about the capitalised starts to the lines. I too, have recently seen the light on that one. One other thing - in my view, more clearly defined stanzas would help. Also, I think some lines should end sooner e.g. She'd gotten me to write again, lace lips half silenced still with gol...

Can't say much except I really like this, found it funny and think it reads pretty faultlessly...

Morocco - Marrakech has gone mad with fake Converse! Thanks for that. You're right, it was my intention to 'burst' the bubble and end a romantic scene with a little irony.

Cheers,
Sarah.

I think this is quirky, funny and has a good tone to it. However, unless I'm seriously missing something, I don't understand why the lines are all clumped together - it doesn't seem to add anything, so I would go for verses and shorter lines. At the moment some lines are too 'wordy' and read like cl...

This is a really lovely poem - 'poetic' in the best sense of the word. Its tone reminds me of a piece by Virginia Woolf called 'The Fly' or something similar, where she describes watching a trapped insect die. Simple, but effective.

Sarah.

I think this is an excellent poem and I really enjoyed it . The baggage metaphor is clever and not too obvious. While the first version of the couplet seemed a little clumsy, the second is really tight and makes a great ending. Two things: 1. and each of us correspond to a stereotype? - maybe a bit ...

Sure, sorry, lost count...

More of an idea that a finished draft, so any crit would be appreciated. The Souks Rich steam suffused with smoke from burnt jasmine, fruit tobacco, roasting meat, rises from a cluttered souk. Figures in black floor length robes drift towards cover, linens flapping in a heavy breeze behind them. Th...

At first I thought this read like a simple description, but on reflection, I think a few lines are heavily atmospheric. Everyone peers through Edith's door , - seems like the entire city is looming and wants a piece of her. Good opening. sharks and the shooters - sounds great and captures the mood o...

Thanks guys. This feedback is very detailed and helpful.

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Good title. Layers up some strong imagery, though I think there's something about 'persist to flake', which is disruptive to this progression. I think the lines 'They rouge as the sun cuts the air / illuminating scuffled, hidden stairs.' are excellent and for this reason, I would chop the last line ...

Thanks for your swift response. I take your point about dams! The thread running through this poem is intended to be the speaker's response to and identification with the figure being described, which explains the last two lines. Perhaps, I need to emphasise this more effectively somehow, as I have ...

I never love you when it's Summer And effusive light has Disguised my pale, worn skin With an ersatz shimmer. Deceived, I aspire to plumper bodies That move hot with life and vigour. Rotund buttocks and Faces melted oblivious by youth. You're the type to meet when it's cold, At old world bars, where...

On the page this looks like clipped dense prose, but was thinking it might work as a performance poem - it has a kind of rhythm.

I like this a lot. As a graphic description, it works well, with some very striking lines. For example, 'an icicle of congealed pebbles', calls to mind the 'blood' from earlier. 'Sticks; the tip / of the glacial...' is subtle and sounds great. I think the last two lines 'I heard, but saw nothing' en...

Thanks. I will critique and post accordingly.

I prefered the more restrained and mysterious opening of the second draft. I think this poem's problem may be its political agenda, which overpowers any aesthetic qualities. I thought the line 'the silver birch has been commuted to tarnish' in the first two drafts, was well constructed and stood out...

I don't mind. I can write some more critiques and not post anymore for a while...

I like this. It sounds good, though I agree the meaning is not always clear. I do however, think it's perfectly valid for a poem to emphasise sounds over sense, so it depends what effect you're after. Some enigmatic images like 'we two echoes'. I thought maybe it might work better unpunctuated.