Poetry Forum

Hi Marc, I really like the simplicity of the language here, and the minimal structure. It's a fresh little poem, which reflects the content well methinks. I also like the slight slip of balance phrase. The idea that there is some imperceptible shift in the balances of forces that triggers spring is ...

Cheers for positives tf.

'very British', I like that old chap what what?

And the Freud reference was not sposed to be overly clever really, more just a 'men have little penises so make big guns to compensate' jibe...

Tom

I think masquerading as someone and talking as if you know personally about something horrendous is an unproductive and belittling fallacy imho. Hello Tom. Doesn't the above proposition render an awful lot null and void?To give just one example, any representation of Christ in art or literature.I t...

folk are far too precious about what we might write about and the correct perspectives to adopt. Essentially you are correct, people should be free to write about what they want how they want, I don't have to read it after all! But, there are some subjects that I think people cannot do any respectf...

So I think it's best I write about guns Go on then, Tom. The first three stanzas are just throat-clearing, as you say, but I think that last one would be a very good starting point. Start there. This poem needs to be written. (I have never been to the Imperial War Museum. Worth a visit?) Cheers Dav...

I went with this one and Tom (TDF) thinks I should have had more sense than to write what he calls a "snuff" poem ... no, on balance, I think I would have gone with it, anyway. I was just not ready to push it to where it was logically heading: two or three more stanzas and you'd have had ...

Hi d, Not for me this one. It doesn't say anything to me, it's just gratuitous nastiness. Now I know a poem doesn't have to have a meaning, it doesn't have to say anything, but I think with subject matter like this it does. I didn't see the pre-edit version, so perhaps I would agree with Suzanne if ...

Welcome to the forum, but also:

viewtopic.php?f=20&t=2605

TDF

wow tf a little essay there... ;) Your meanings/justifications/mindmaps etc are all well and good, but I think it reveals this poem is trying too many things...? All the clever word play and double meaning was lost on me, due to the emotive nature of the subject. Your strongest theme didn't ring thr...

Hi tf, This is a tricky one imo. personally I don't think this is a subject you can write about in the first person, it's like war in that respect. It is such an individual and powerful experience that I think any attempt to sympathise from a first person perspective is a fallacy, and no matter how ...

I like the improvements, more punchy for sure. I do think S4 still rambles off in the second half though. "when your posh shoes are slippers once more, seek me from my hiding place" I love these 3 lines, and think the poem could end with one more line after that, rather than 7. What that l...

watermelon pink
staining white lined trousers
holiday tattoos

Hi Steve,

Cheers for feedback. This was really just a mind flex, trying to get writing again, and I found the IWM an emotive place as a subject.... I just didn't want to write a moody poem...

That said, I do think the ending is a little cheap... such is the way with poor comedic attempts!

Tom

Hi Suzanne, Man, that's some stuff in there. I have to admit my fumblings at deciphering it's actual meaning are stumbling. It seems a mix of things to me. I'm getting the daydream, and the comparison of blue memories to the ultimate blue of the sky, I'm getting some obvious blue melancholy... but I...

hi RP, I'm similar in feeling to Suzanne in that I felt it trailed off for me. That said, I do like the premise and the write for the most part. I think perhaps there is just too much here. You have some lovely phrases and such, but they just seem slightly diluted by the whole. I don't think S1 bene...

Perhaps I'll start with the awesome wreck, the bloodrust carcass of an Iraqi car that some artist named Deller bought as 'art', and comment on life imitating... But I don't want a poem about that. So maybe I'll talk about the sign that tells ardent boys not to touch and not to climb on the shiny toy...

Tom, Is +1 a good score or bad? sorry, am I being a bit internetygeekyspeaky. +1 means "add my vote to the 'like it' column". I like the solitary nature of the sound, it's seems isolated, yet clear. I can imagine it almost echoing in the house that once echoed with the voices of the now d...

Hi Suzanne,

+1 for 'plink'.

Nothing new to say really, better advice than mine has been offered already... But I did enjoy this.

Message here for me is: sometimes that roof gets too broke to fix, and a new start is in order...

Tom

terriblefish wrote:Thanks, Lovely! But , that's just not how it went down,man...

Oh, so mummy swallows? Bet daddy is pleased.

Fun little poem this... thanks for the chuckle.

Tom

Hi tf, After my reply to Suzanne's poem about 'men' last week, I half expected to find myself writing a similar reply about the mundanity of man-bashing, but I couldn't help but enjoy the flow and the 'write' here. It's just fun to read. That said, I agree with previous comments made about the gener...

Hi BiB, Mixed reaction to this one if I'm honest. I like the sort of dreamy nature of the whole thing, and the imagery is clear, I can certainly picture the scene. However I think your forced rhyming and syllable count don't do this poem any real favours, other than making it fairly easy to read, as...

The re-write is massively different, and I can get the story much more clearly. Although I could put in a nit about forced rhyming still, the overall flow and change of pace negates this somewhat in the new version. I wish you'd left both versions up though, because you've done some much more advent...

Hi John,

I find this one hard to read, it seems a little disjointed and cropped for my brain. There is some enjoyable uses of language and soforth, but I do have difficulty discerning the picture from the whole.

That said, I also have flu this week, so should probably be reading AA Milne.

Tom

I actually quite like this for it's simplicity. A brief encounter of mutually wanting strangers in an msn world... or am I being melodramatic ;) I think the interwebz would label this a "romance fail lulz", not the poem, the content that is. I do actually like the premise of looking for so...

Suzanne wrote:This is not going well for me. Lol.

Well something tells me you are sexually outnumbered here, so to speak!

I'm sure this would be lapped up by some of the women I know as gospel

Tom