Poetry Forum

Thanks, Dave, Geoff and Lake for commenting on this sonnet. These, pantoums and villanelles intrigue me, but I'm not that great at them! Geoff, thanks for the suggestions. Dave, thanks for the many suggestions and for recognizing the Italian form. Lake, glad you enjoyed this, that you understood the...

For pleasure, I explore a nearby lake and spend long hours strolling through the fen. When daily struggle wears my patience thin, I find it helps to seek out and partake of worldly wonders flowing in my wake. I study ducks and deer and, once, a wren sang gaily from the sedge and urged me in to learn...

Hi Dave, I took this to be about open mic nights? I did enjoy the speaker's angst and the stream of consciousness flow of the poem. I agree with others that it may go on a bit too long, but the ending made me laugh, as did "I look to the faces affronting me, each one a replica of my third grade...

Hi Rome, This short poem held my interest but didn't really communicate meaning to me. I like the title, but find it a little odd that the poem's title promises a look back but is followed by a poem in the present tense. In S1, I was not sure that the comparative of "duller" made sense. Du...

Hi Songbird, Welcome from another newbie. I enjoyed this first post. I do agree with much of what has been said about S3, which seems to me not to enhance the poem. I like the one word first line but agree the next two lines feel a little flat, not quite fresh. I also don't think the passive there i...

Thanks to each of you for your comments. I haven't made any serious revisions to this poem yet for fear of only making it worse (I have a lot of self doubt about revising). I posted the poem mainly because I was unsure about the structure. I think I often use couplets or tercets to control emotion i...

Today the sea wind blows, a cooling change after our recent heatwave, and I awaken to the ching of wind chimes outside my patio door. Later I’ll find debris from nearby streets – leaves, candy wrappers, chip bags, newspapers, curls of styrofoam from a sloppy neighbor – piled against my front door li...

Hi David, I enjoyed this mysterious poem. The title and the idea of " A love unequalled, all conquering - could I find a word for that?" made me think of Mary of Nazareth. Yet after a couple more readings, I am not satisfied that she is the speaker here. Thinking about it, I can also see i...

Oops! Sorry Barrie. Please forgive! I'm still learning the names and personalities around here. Sorry I got yours wrong!

L

Hi du bois. I'm glad you enjoyed the beat of this one.

Hey, Camus. Thanks for pointing out the areas that didn't quite work for you. Glad you liked the spirit of the poem.

Lake, Thanks for taking the journey and seeing the epiphany.

Thanks all for reading and commenting.

Cheers,
Elle

Hi emuse, I think the revision nicely improves the original. The new "intro" material clearly sets up the poem and adds much to immediate understanding of the poem. I guess what I like about this poem (both versions) is that it makes me as reader feel the pain of the speaker even though it...

I used to be immune to idle days, to the lure of softness and the whispered thrum of hidden life that the drum of city strife smothers like a pair of earmuffs. Now I find myself in tune with the soft sigh of a cherry blossom when it opens, with its tiny gasp as it releases the tree, and with that sm...

Hi David, This took me a couple of reads, but I grinned both times. Consider using a capital on arryhtmia in the title... it would make the play on place seem stronger. The ending ("that was it") seems very ambiguous to me and I'd love to see the Glastonbury connection developed a little. ...

Hi Barrie, I enjoyed this wry, amusing poem. I think the narrator's "voice" is strong and engaging, though I thought the final "idiot" might detract and make the speaker seem just a bit too curmudgeonly. Maybe that's just me, though. A couple of suggestions: In L6, consider delet...

Thanks Barrie and Geoff for your helpful comments. I appreciate getting a sense of where, how and why a poem doesn't quite work and you've all given me lots to think about with regard to this poem.

Cheers,
Elle

Hi Stu, Elphin and dillingworth, Point very well taken on S1! Thanks so much for reading and commenting on this poem that I felt was a bit wide of the mark. Back to the rewrite file (where I separate poems as to the good, the bad and the ugly)! Thanks letting me know where the poem falls down. I'll ...

He returns to the forest from city jobs, his broad hands roughened from long hours counted in hammer blows and saw cuts. Sometimes he stops and brings her mum – partly because he knows how the distance, the missing, stings these two – but mainly to ease his way back home from hotel bars and easy blo...

Hello dl, I have a fondness for this sort of tribute poem and I enjoyed this one. I felt most of the earlier crits focused on the main problem areas of the poem: the overuse of "Edith" and a certain distance that is not overcome by the rather nice imagery of the poem. I've read this severa...

Dear beautifulloser, Thanks for the great laugh and your amazing welcome (warm like a blanket and a slap and a hot toddy all in one). I enjoyed seeing a bit of this poem through your eyes. Christian tract? No, but I see the references.... especially given that this poem (for me) is about my mom and ...

Thanks, oddball (may I call you O?)

Smiles,
L

Thanks, K, for smoothing the waters. I am willing to accept, as you say, that Stuart wasn't actually accusing me of plagiarism and that his statement was merely an inartful way of suggesting the poem's subject matter and title didn't feel fresh to him. The best alternative at this point is simply to...

Oh dear, Stuart, I like the poem; think it may have precedents to check up for avoiding plagiarism, but that's not my job. Heheh. Apparently it is your role to say something so awful without a shred of specificity or support, though, huh? I'll be very happy to have you make it a goal to find evidenc...

It was the church bells, or maybe the musky smell of concrete after the first rain of a new year, but I heard your voice today. In the blur of rain, you stood facing me, that half-smile curving your lips, wintry sun aglow on your hair. Afraid to blink, I held my breath as silver strings of rain wove...

Hi Oddball (LOL, I could use that pseudonym too!). I'm brand new too and look forward to have other newbies around the board.

Cheers,
Elle

Nice to meet you, Milu. I'm brand new too!

Look forward to seeing you around.

Best,
Elle