Poetry Forum

My Latin isnt too hot - is this about an exile? Ex (out of) Patria (fatherland). Heh. In a few days, I'll be leaving my homeland to work abroad for two years, so this is like a figment of my worried (paranoid?) imagination. XD Thanks again, Elphin. You're always so helpful. I'd hug you if I could b...

Revision: Coming out of a fitful sleep, last night's crisp bed sheet lies limp and rumpled beneath aching limbs. Staggering under the weight of an overeager sunrise, intent on throwing its welcoming heat, clouds gather to take a peek at the bug-eyed stranger gazing out the window, straining to see ...

Whoa. Lemme catch my breath for a moment...*fans herself*

I was also waiting for the axe to fall as I was reading. Delightfully surprised when none came. I enjoyed the romp.

Hey, Milu. My only complaint is the length of your last couplet. Cadence got thrown off there, I feel. That's probably the only useful thing I can tell you since the subject matter (luuuuv) is a little out of my comfort zone. XD

How the heck do you do that? XD Now the seemingly superfluous lines don't seem so superfluous anymore.

Thank you, Elphin, for giving me something else to consider.

I must say I find the last verse delightful. My only trouble is the verse before it. I often find my senses dulled by alcohol instead of honed, and that any noise has to be piercing to get through my muddled head. Meh, that could just be me, though.

Thanks for posting.

It's a bit rant-ish, but I enjoyed it. I, too, had to look up "Mobius strips" and I'm glad I did. Yes, the imagery might be a bit scarce, but wouldn't packing it with more defeat the purpose of venting?

For what it's worth, I enjoyed the read, so thank you.

Thank you, Aru. I'm glad to see you're still here. I'll think about what you said about S2. As for S5, I kinda want to retain the image of her pouring another cup. Perhaps if I rework the penultimate line? That one bothers me a bit. >_>

The tea leaves speak of a circle, of a chain, perhaps a serpent chewing on its tail? She cannot tell, as it's not her wont to entertain thoughts of such nature. Yet today she finds herself pondering on nebulous things, grasping at the wispy tendrils of wishful thinking. She taps on her forehead, chu...

Hey, Aru. Very vivid, this. I can't find anything to complain about, sorry. Worse, I'll parrot everyone else - loved that last line too.

Thanks, Brotherfergus.

First line's a real turn off - 'strutted like a peacock' ?? - I know you can be more original than this. Barrie Hee-hee, sorry, barrie, sir. I'll try. I'm pretty scared of revisions, though. I always think I'm gonna mess it up more, but thanks for the vote of confidence (pressure much? >_<). ob Bar...

Sister strutted like a peacock when she reached the doors of America. Legs wide open, wedding gown still on, she embraced her new patron with abandon, led him to a dingy room, drew drops of milk and honey from him, tasted her long-awaited dream. Turning towards whence she came, she stuck out a finge...

I like how the exuberance of the poem contrasts with the sobering title. I, too, had some trouble with 'corral fence of minutes'. Perhaps it could be rephrased? Other than that I enjoyed it. Loved the last line.

LOL! What a tongue-twister of a title, arunansu! But I loved the content. The only thing that seems off to me is this:

I recite verses
for the moon.

Compared to the depth of the other lines, this seems almost trivial. And, erm, must it be titled that way? >_<

Hey, guys, sorry for the late reply. Eking out a living can wreak havoc on one's schedule. >_< Gidday oddball Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void, thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming... In fact the two references to eyes are quite strange. I figure you are trying suggest the girl i...

Eyes tacked on a picture perfect void, thoughts running 'round the mole of Prince Charming, she sighs - an undiscovered Princess of a Kingdom yet to be written in syrupy ink, drawn on caramelized paper. Sitting by a window with her chin on one hand, she longs for the white of her eyes to cover her v...

Hey, Tom. Had to google "gurning" to know what it is (this place is making me google a lot) and when I did, I enjoyed this even more. Nice take on man's search for "noble purpose". Perhaps an alternative to "sagely" and "transcendent"? So that S3 doesn't come ...

Oddball, the nooks and crannies of you - I understand the intention/image here, but think this turn of phrase isn't appropriate to describe what you mean. It conjures up images of all the little bits of a naked body I'd rather not explore! cheers TDF Hehehe. Yes, I kinda opened the idealistic dam t...

Sorry ob Its too high in the girly factor for my taste. Also some sins comitted - use of ancient language ( oft ) and forced rhyme ( skin, therein, chagrin ) Having said that I do like the fourth stanza where you went off message with the common wench and for that I will forgive you. As a thought, ...

Yes, I'm going girly on you this time. :lol: Beloved, oft now do I trace the contour of your back, the nooks and crannies of you with eyes bleak - anticipating. You never truly sleep, even as the moon wraps her blanket around you you toss and turn - ever so restless. Here you are, exposed, my finger...

Hey, juggles. I've only just been made aware of the visual presentation of a piece myself so one thing I can suggest is maybe ditch the double spacing? I enjoyed the content, though. Nice sentiment.

Hey, arunansu. I enjoyed this too, especially your last verse. I somewhat agree about the third verse although I don't want to lose the image of the pen struggling and the bruising. I kinda enjoyed them too. How about: The Poet starts drafting, pen struggles, paper takes on bruises anew. I just thou...

Second draft up. Hope this one pops. Butter or cheese?

Hey, dl04. Is this the same bastard from your last poem, only the setting here is earlier? :lol: Just joking. I really don't mind your blunt approach and how you give me a jolt at the end. It's like you're walking me through something all leisurely and then bam, suddenly give me a sharp poke. Though...