Poetry Forum

Just back. It went really well and they loved the poem very much. I changed one line "smeared ice cream and rock pools explored" so the vowel sounds were constant throughout. Its easier with those who dont know too much about poetry so are more accepting and thankful - as I thought it migh...

Cheers Dave I appreciate your comments and the time you've spent. Biggest problem is that the ceremony is tomorrow. Its like a christening but not religious in any way. Grover is his real name (terrible indeed). He's named after someone inspirational and close to the family called David Grove, who d...

I've been invited to a naming ceremony this Sunday and the parents want everyone to read something out or sing something. I couldnt find a poem I liked so decided tonight to write something myself and would like any thoughts on it. Now that you're past those twinkling stars The gruffalo's asleep, an...

Hello Thanks folks and thanks David Its been a few weeks, maybe a month. The thing is - I had to go through my whole novel as I had interest and I now have signed a contract for my debut novel Intentionally Homeless. Plus I'm going into Frankland Prison to do Creative and Therapeutic Writing and hav...

Thanks - though to be honest I was thinking of just keeping the first two stanza's and scrapping the rest.
I dont think the last stanza works that well.
Maybe I could keep the first three instead?

You hold my dream in your hands or at least on your computer screen. And I've never met you, perhaps never will. We converse via e-mail, me in enthusiastic twelve point Ariel, you in more formal eleven point Times New Roman It could go either way, too close to call. All I can do it sit and wait, pus...

Good stuff - just two small points that didnt work for me; shapeless and shape together, and the word nice - which I think is an awful word.
But apart from that good stuff and good luck

I dont know loads about poetry and I dont know loads about how it must be being a female living in Khartoum, but from what little I do know I guess it must be pretty tough being female at times where you live. And I think also that poetry is a great (and sometimes dangerous) vehicle for expressing o...

In my humble opinion the first stanza is very good indeed but the rest didnt seem to follow any set pattern or rythm with either that first stanza or anything else that followed. Pehaps that was intentional but my feeling was one of disappointment after such a good opening stanza, things falling to ...

Thanks for the comments folks; lots to consider as always. I actually thought the first stanza read very well - and I dont often think that about my stuff. I read it like this: That cheating ref with his letterbox of death threats ruined the dreams which just two years before would have been laughed...

That cheating ref with his letterbox of death threats, ruined the dreams which just two years before, would have been laughed at by millions - yes - he struck through the core That whistle in his mouth, linesman by his side, aiding and abetting a century's greatest crime Twenty thousand arrived went...

Again, thanks, very good points.
That first stanza re-write is definitely better than mine too - and will be adopted. Also the ending points too.
I love this site me...
As for the dog. You cant take them into playgrounds. They have to wait outside. Eeeehh, doesnt anyone know this?

Oh I wish you'd stop apologising, you've no need to... There's lots to like about this poem. My opinion is its good and could be made better with a bit of work. Unfortunately I'm not sure what that work could be or how you could go about it. Others may have a better idea than me. I love stanza two -...

Thanks for your kind words folks. Smiffey, your points are as valid as anybody's and are not amateurish at all. I thought the same of myself about three months ago. Its amazing what hanging around on here can do, and critiqueing others poems serves as a great lesson in helping your own poetry. With ...

Having read this again I've decided I like the first three stanzas but not the last two, which come across as moralising. So, for what its worth, my thought is chuck the last two stanzas out and this would strengthen it.

Can't say too much about this one except I'm not sure what you're going on about and I really like it.
Sparse, every word counts but ambiguous enough to leave lots to the imagination.
Good stuff

as usual - I'm up for honest critiques The Lost Tennis Ball I could hear them before I got there shouting, laughing and more. I was going to the playground to sit on the swing, where I could be alone with my ups and downs But they were where I wanted to be: mother, father, daughter and son, a whole ...

Think that the piece needs re-working after Ralph was the chap most likely to.... Until then I think it reads very well and is a great idea. I dont like the Know what I mean? x 3 or whatever. I dont think they fit in on the page or rhthmically. I also dont like the repetition of someone at the start...

I like this but it read as prose to me, not as poetry, except for the last two stanza's and they seemed a departure from the previous style

I kinda like this one; nice idea and simply and effectively done.

There's a word left out (or extra one put in) in L1
I slog through miles (my preference)
or
I have to slog through miles

Would also prefer:
I picture your glowing signs
in the melodic notes of a concert

but I do like this...

bloody hell. Just finished and its time to go to work already This is obviously very clever and I find myself agreeing with your list of undesirables almost without exception. The only people I'd be interested in would be those who believe they're Jesus Christ. They'd be good material for a poem or ...

Thanks for the comments folks. One of the reasons it sounds clunky, I suppose, is the shape of it. It was intentionally written to take the shape of a penis (ended up as two), but not sure if anyone noticed. To be fair, the testicles were more rounded when I wrote it but when I posted the spaces wer...

Good stuff The image of braiding hair, weaving stories like grandma's baskets is a fine one indeed. Love the opening stanza. Would have preferred rolling back home as I think it has a nicer feel to it. Should it be pressed grass "to" your lips? My choice would be to take out the But or add...

thank you milu.
That is helpful and I will do that

I did it as a writing exercise, thats all, then thought it would make a good poem by itself so put it out. I just wrote what came straight into my head to be honest, changed a couple round as they seemed odd in comparison to the rest. I really like it, but then again, I'm new to poetry so wouldnt re...