Poetry Forum

Ha Ha brilliant Left me smiling The only thing I would change somehow is the Bending right over receiving a spanking , gritting my teeth with boxers round ankles I kinda came to a halt on that line as was expecting a rhyme like the rest but there wasnt one. But good one :lol: Just noticed that this ...

Like this a lot Agree with Richard about "Fangs". I keep on dropping into "Fangs for the memory" :D Also with the "Fangs" there I'm not quite sure whether we have man or beast, although maybe that's the idea. It doesnt quite fit for me though in congunction with the ope...

Many thanks for your comments Dublin. The picture I was trying to produce was the sun shimmering out at sea on the horizon, then as it rose in the sky the sunbeams spread out and dance on the water. Knowing this let me know if you still feel Im incorrect with Sun and Sumbeams. Ill work out a change ...

I like this and think it could be very good with a little refinement. For me it seems to switch after "plastic bottles and rubber pipes" from what I deem as poetic to almost a story. I think maybe less would be more. Maybe things like (I shall just make one suggestion) "Perhaps it cam...

Thanks for your comments guys David - No worries about hijacking threads. I can understand how your sister found it upsetting. Luckily I saw dad at the hospital and when I saw him at the undertakers, he was gone, so to speak. That was Ok for me it kind of helped to put things in perspective. I think...

Thanks for your comments guys. I was a bit worried about this one, as its the 1st new thing ive written in 12 years. The other stuff Ive posted was written back in 1996. Also its me 1st non-rhyme, so just the fact that you find it interesting is great. David - I sketched it out yesterday (although i...

The words in this are brilliant, I like it. My only issue is below. So you're leaving this evening of August in the silence succeeding sunset with the ocean spread open before us and our skin superficially wet from the splinters of sea that are splashing on this sand which we briefly impressed. In ...

The wise men may well return with "a chorus of dolphins and whales" chanting for them .... Ha Ha nice one ... different, not sure if there was more than "ecstasy within" or who the "ecstasy was within" :D Still it kept me reading it, trying to figure it out. Would love ...

I have copied what I feel is my final version to the top of the page He looks back... Quick! Griffin is coming. "He's not after us", they shrug, two friends? Four words and he’s alone Like a rabbit caught in headlights A tragic cliché, but true. No! Go!... Have to... Somewhere Run! Rabbit…...

Thanks for the comment Elphin, yes I know what you mean.

Im kind off getting your opinions on some old stuff I did back in 1996 and taking note whilst Im writing some new stuff.

Havnt really penned anything since 96


Cheers
W

Ha Ha nice one Dublin like it.

See rhyming's not so bad

Sunbeams The sun dances on the horizon, Awakes another day. Hands, rub at bleary eyes, Wiping sleep away. Sunbeams dance upon the water, Twinkle on the waves. Warming up my heavy soul, From the loneliness it craves. To caress the world with light, Until the darkness comes, And sleep it visits me aga...

Im with you k-j I think this is very good, although I had to read it a few times before I got it. I love the "I loved you then, more than even Maslow could define" although have to admit I had to google Maslow before I understood it. I think this deserves a bump, its had a lot of views but...

Ok as with the other poem I'm going to submit this as my final offering. Again further comments/crits welcome. Barrie - I liked your 'Saunders' and 'rends' suggestions but they diddnt quite capture the picture I wanted. Which was kind of being torn and twisted from the inside out, its difficult to p...

Ok guys, thank you, thank you for all your suggestions. I think I'm going to submit this as the final version. Of course any further comments/crits are very welcome. I have embodied some suggestions and some I havn't. Although all were good, some just diddnt sit right with the picture the words pain...

David - yes you did get across that you liked it. And I thank you for taking the trouble to explain. I loved the diddly diddly comment I just wanted to be sure what it meant, I kinda got irish jig from it and it looks like I wasnt far wrong. Sorry to be a pain guys but I went through school not aski...

Dublin - Thank you very much for taking the trouble to explain. Yes Im with you now and see where your coming from.

Im relooking at that bit

When I first read this I have to admit I diddnt like it.

However came back to it two days later and total change of opinion ... I really like it.

I love the black & White film set picture being painted in the words.

I like it as it is.

Cheers
W

Thanks guys for your comments I like your suggestions and have embodied them below with a slight change to the end as I get your point about "too many syllables" maybe this will be slightly better. Tweak2 I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest, The climb had been long - and a bit...

Thanks for your comments guys Tweak1 I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest, The climb had been long - and a bit of a quest. I sat down and I pondered about life on my own, Took in a deep breath and let my mind roam. The fields down below stretched out like a quilt, Away to the distance - ...

A more light hearted one for your perusal -------------------------- I reached a tall hill top and stopped for a rest, The climb had been long - and a bit of a quest. I sat down and I pondered about life on my own, Took in a deep breath and let my mind roam. The fields down below stretched out like ...

Ok what do you think of this

Tweak2
Sadness seeps into your heart,
wrings your very soul.
Sun goes down,
Twilight comes,
shadows climb the wall.
Death a waxy haunted shell,
emotions crawl away.
If I could have another wish,
a life for which i'd pay.

By the way ... being new here. Is it Ok to explain the thoughts behind the lines or is that giving to much information away

Hey Tom .. no worries .. I never took your crit as clinical just informative. If I diddnt want it critisised I wouldnt put it on here. I will always have the raw version and that is a memory sealed in time. I was aware however that there were bits that maybe could be improved and to that end I thank...

Barrie thanks for those excellent suggestions, I diddnt see your comment before posting the above but will have a re-look.