Poetry Forum

I agree with Geoffs comment, such a great heading.

Nice one and certainly short and sweet

W

They drive the trains
Down lanes
The brains
Where the cranes tower
Glower
Dust showers down
Ants scurrying
hurrying Around
Towns
Little trickles
Twinkles
All lost in shape
Tumbling in black
To escape

Thanks again for your time and the comments guys


I agree with most of your constructive critisism


Jasper - have to admit that I had to google "Max Merit And The Meteors" because I didnt have a clue what you were on about.

Even though I've explained it please dont worry about commenting I would be interested in both good and bad

With poetry Im a simple sole, a bit of a fish out of water with the more intelligent (or maybe modern stuff). I either like it or I dont get it.

I like this, nice one

Sorry but this is probably to clever for me

Hmmm think I prefer moonlit ... but then what do I know.

Good one

Now that ... is good

Nice one, like it ... critisism ...er... dare i say your milking it ... ok Ill go away now

Hi Suzanne Initially I wasnt keen on the 1st bit or stanza but after reading it through it kind of built from a low to high within the poem. Having read it through about 10 times now, I like it a lot. Were I to make any constructive critisism, I would either get rid of "I sort" at the end ...

Thanks guys ... David I would have been very interested in your comments but I probably killed it by explaining it.

Thank you all very much for taking your time to comment. as loverly asked here's how it came about It was an outpouring of thoughts/emotions that I wrote on the train. It was there in my head wanting to come out so I wrote it down. Normally when that happens I then spend ages fine tuning things, but...

Death knocked on my door last night, He didn't stay long. In fact I didn't realise that he'd visited, A realisation really. That someone was moving closer to the edge, Slipping away. Away from his wife, away from his baby, Away from his family. That's a real shit that is, But life's like that someti...

Like this and the picture it creates

Days slip away on mercy
of leftovers

Nice

Cheers
W

Ha Ha ... very clever. Nope the penis shape went right over my head.

Well done
W

Like this a lot This wasn't enough, to contain my interest from dribbling out. Rolling back to the front door. This stanza doesnt quite read correctly to me. I find myself having to re-read it to try and pick up the flow, so would suggest a tweak here. also Clawing at the ground I pulled clumps, pla...

Brilliant, very clever. Had me smiling all the way to the 1st break after that, although still funny I started to loose concentration. Although Im not going to try to suggest how, I would trim it down somehow. As Richard said the whole thing would work great on stage delivered at pace. In fact remin...

arunansu - I thank you for your suggestion, It is much more concise. However for me it has lost the confusion and panic that rabbit feels after being left alone by his friends. Also the humiliation that he has to run again because he's too scared to stand up for himself. I think I manage to get a bi...

OK I think this is it, the final cut, additional constructive critisism is of course most welcome. He looks back... Quick! Griffin is coming. "He's not after us", they shrug, two friends? Four words and he’s alone Like a rabbit caught in headlights A tragic cliché, but true. No! Go! ...Hav...

Hiding at the mo
In a cupboard roofed with stairs
listening for the footsteps

Doh! Ok Dublin thanks, yes I see what your saying now.

Sorry was having a blonde moment (can blokes have blonde moments? )

Yes its OK I wont try and please everyone

Thanks for your very informative help

W

Yup ...Love the re-write

Much better

Good one

Cheers
W

Hey Richard Thanks for taking the time to make so many good comments. I agree with the cliche line, wasnt sure about taking that out anyway. Not sure about Isolate maybe Ill find another word or way of writing it. Want to convey that with his friends saying "Hes not after us" they have iso...

Ok Ive cut it down a bit, see what you think He looks back... Quick! Griffin is coming. "He's not after us", they shrug, two friends? Four words and he's isolate …Frozen, A rabbit caught in headlights. No! Go! ...Have to ...Somewhere... Run! Rabbit… run! Run? - Run where? Griffin is … much...

Nice one Tom

This is good ... in my humble opinion

Like the play on words

"the might of roam and conquer" thats good ....

To good for me to contemplate critisising, anyway if it aint bust dont fix it