Poetry Forum

Hi Not (still struggling calling you Not - I know not why) Originally my emphasis for the piece was to highlight the fact, for me, that Covid was all about 'position', either due to distancing laws at the time or due to personal limitations imposed for reasons of say fear - hence emphasis on Outside...

Thanks Phil - Full of self-doubt If there is no doubt there is no room for improvement. Hmm, I wonder if that's the right thing to say

Thank you Phil - Yes, fed up is as good :) Thanks for the constructive critique NotQuiteSure Unvaxed marauder is an reasonable alternative. There was though a certain deliberateness in the repetition of 'order' to try (probably wrongly) and emphasise the monotony of this period in our lives. I suppo...

Outside the lab Inside a host Across a border Behind the mask Infected life Unvaxed disorder Inside your home Amongst your kin The online order Two meter friends The daily stats A selfish hoarder Inline for jabs Into the arm CV suborders Warzone wards In ICU No coma mourner Inside a box Outside a ch...

Hi Ray,

Not quite sure why the second verse has tickled my fancy but I'm now worried that I'm going to recall it at an inopportune moment and laugh out loudly.

Thank you for the cheery imagery.

Hi Namyh Firstly, I haven't critiqued for a long time and secondly I'm no expert myself so can only offer a personal unprofessional view. The word 'Whooshed' was uppermost in my mind when having completed reading your piece and I'm not sure that was what you intended the reader to take away from the...

Hi, I used to post on the Poets Graves Forum (Beginner's forum) some years ago and thought I would pop by and craft the occasional rubbish once again so forgive me for what I'm about to contribute. I'm also spectacularly hopeless at critiques but will do my best. I thank you.

Hi Peter, Thanks for the critique. Yes you are quite right 'sombre, silent, special corps' is correct. I had meant that it was a 'sombre silence' and then I put a comma in to try and give the piece a 'left, right, left' feel and totally forgot what I was doing. I have ammended it as you suggested. C...

Hi tool,

Many thanks & I guess we do live a better life in some respects.

Cheers
Smiffey

Kimibob, Arunansu, Mbc & Ian P- thanks. David - thanks. When you're next passing, can you point out the rhythmic glitches. Is it the remember, remember, remember part? I have to take issue over the 'faux-naïf' point ( 1.faux-naïf - marked by a pretense of simplicity or innocence; disingenuous. –...

Hi there Kimibob, I like it when someone is not afraid to experiment and I find it helps to expand our (the beginners at least) knowledge of the medium, giving us another style to try out - so thank you. This sounds like nature taking the role of an imagined lover, or a lover likened to nature's for...

Hi Arunansu,

I can hear the peacock's sound floating over the stillness in a Kula Shaker way - except that it would break the beautiful quiet/silent calm that you have created.

Thank you for sharing.

Smiffey

Sombre, silent, special corps, scarred or limbless from some war. Beret, badge, kilts and drum, remember, remember, your loved one. Plumes, braid, brass and grey, red, red, remembrance day. Veteran, medals and military staff, columns pass the Cenotaph. Left, right, salute and cry and yet again, the ...

Hi Suzanne,

Neat, compact and rich - plus I've learnt new form. I'd never heard of Severnlings (mind you I haven't heard of a lot of things).

Thanks for the read & I admire your ability to condense an image so well.

Cheers
Smiffey

Hi , As you seem to be touching on the wonderous nature of things I would agree with Patrick re the thinness of the piece. What you have got is great and hints at the subject very well. It may well have been you intention to try and distill a massive concept into its very essence however I feel it n...

2200 hours Wallflowers quietly billet with the mortified tongues of Stalingrad soldiers halting their battleplans, as patrols of neon-lit eyes scan the conflict zone like telepathic drones searching for something to target. 0300 hours Weapons of personality seized, all lines to confidence cut, they ...

Hi Jasper, You've lost me a little here... Eloi was one of the two post-human races.... you speak more of pre here yet can't recall ... so don't you mean won't? confused? It is all 'pre' Eloi as this time machine (I'm referring to YouTube) only travels to the past and I'm saying I can remember the p...

Hi David & thanks, Not sure I understand the distinction you make between what you can remember but can't recall. That section is a bit opaque. What I was trying to get across is that I can remember events from my past but can't always recall the images associated with the memory and that is whe...

A flat thin time machine bringing memory onto screen, back through my yesterday and the days before - to the start of what I know, the beginning of what I remember but cannot now recall. No Eloi here, nor future now, the presence of past is all - more yesterdays uploading soon to the tube like a sea...

Hi LaMOi, It's an interesting comment on old books which I quite liked. Arunansu has mentioned L1 'Secondhand books smell funny' , but I'm wondering if you were writing it almost from a child's perspective, in which case it fits well. My only small niggle is L7 - I wouldnt lick a second hand book. Y...

Hi Arunansu,

Now I really like this piece and as other's have said, it's nice to see a longer sample of your work.

Although it has a slight emptiness to it, I found it very calming.

More of the same please

Cheers
Smiffey

Shell - Thank you. Your critique from my point of view is very useful and I understand the 'black cabs/marias' option. I did consider a 'removal lorry' route as I did consider that the reader might think that the use of 'taxes' was too contrived, but that hasn't been mentioned in that light by anyo...

Arunansu - Many thanks & good to hear from you.
DJ Lovely - Thank you.
Jasper - Fluffy is good.

Cheers
Smiffey

Hi Suzanne - Thank you for reading. I would just point out that they are Taxes not Taxis - the 'fat operators' being government officials preparing via taxes to increase the burden of the common man. I will admit that the word 'unhired' in relation to Taxes could be misleading and may have to be re...

Taxes wait,
lined up at
Parliament,

unhired.

Their fat operators
hunch over
elected calculators,

unadmired.

Planning their route
for your weary
income, as

uninspired

your shopping bags
get lighter and
your shoes get

worn out.