Poetry Forum

Thank you Suzanne for taking time to read and reply, I appreciate it. Mac, I thank you for reading and offering your thoughts. The universality is not intended, I may have been clumsy there as it was solely a singular view possessed by the character in the poem and not meant to assume it as a widely...

Skirting A resumption of the quilted innuendos filled with your tender yearning is wholly symptomatic, I note your terms and wonder just how many times you considered taking off that shoe to discard one tiny pebble hidden in the hide tendering its presence in the tracks you made. I could parade a li...

A pleasant snapshot of events which were commonplace life situations in the not too distant past, quite possibly heading for a resurgence in light of the current stresses placed upon sections of society, those which are far removed from the bed wetters currently raking it in large style off the back...

I'm noting the "as if" I think it's crucial to allowing the remainder of the lines to do what you intend which has nothing to do with socks.
It seems more like an underlying desire captured in the two short verses and that's the poetry you have aimed this at.

Dalena

An interesting piece. I think you can build even more on the hub of the poem and use even more unsettling language and possibly strengthen the metaphorical aspects of the piece. Not totally convinced the line breaks are the most effective, but it does sit well.

All the best

~*Dalena*~

She'd need to prepare
as kicking him into touch
was a real surprise.

Thanx Guys, Some very useful input. Dan, I’m glad you connected with the subtleties of the poem, I’m encouraged by that, thank you. Suzanne, Thank you for reading commenting, I appreciate your time. Anniecat/Yesterday I’m drawing a parallel, using the buttons and the brightening of her eyes later in...

Thank you Geoff Your'e absolutely right about the tuba/tuber I'm glad you pointed that out as I'm not too familiar with wind instruments :D Jars is a bit of a double whammy which I'm hoping I'll get away with. I wanted it to be both the impact and a containment allusion and couldn't think of anythin...

Salvation Her bulbous knuckles are hooked around rails. I watch her straighten in her chair, then raise her heavy feet onto the rests, I ease a tortoiseshell- brush through the sparseness of her hair. Buttons on her coat face the door and brighten as the wheels beneath her creak, bump over the thres...

Hi Suzanne I liked your depiction of the idea of being unable to articulate things that represent actual feelings and get them down on paper. I'm sure a lot of poets suffer a similar set of issues. I'd say that a person in such a position is on one hand fortunate to have such a set of feelings, on t...

I enjoyed this and think your title is well chosen. The closing line made me smile.
The subject is handled well and seems authoritative which makes the poem more interesting for me,
as it's a subject I know little of, but I gained some insight here.

Thanx

Dalena

Craig, I think you have a great tonality to this poem that’s being overwhelmed by some of the lines having flaws in their construction. “So stay with me Don’t let go of my hand You looking me in the eyes But there empty and I am screaming inside” Might read better…… Stay with me don’t let go of my h...

Suzanne I love the underlying message........and agree to an extent with the comment about "lightly stumble" but personally will go a step further and try to urge you take a step back from the informative execution of the lines which is more narrative in style to the richer visual manner o...

Thanx for the very interesting responses to this poem. I deliberately allowed some ambiguity around the circumstances of the actions I've illustrated to see what conclusions are arrived at by the reader and also to see if it's a uniform response. I did this to learn something to help improve the imp...

Instinct Squeals of delight burst openings to exit endless corridors spilling out into the playground and evolve into chants of “BUNDLE”. Last of the reverberations thuds through the turf as I arrive. A bloody nose compares well with the erupting lower lip daubed on the face of his adversary. Pickin...

Bravo Arunasu So much to experience in a small package...camels seem to be popular here today... I partic liked the unreachable oasis....I couldn't help seeing a mirage rippling in the distance and trying to decide if it's a trick of the light or thirst quenching.....I'm sure the camel would know......

Hi Ian I liked this with its gentle tone, although I'm not too boned up on matters of space and time unless I'm late for a party and only have half my slap on.... The poem could be trimmed a little here and there, but would possibly lose the clam element that eases the reader along and make it a bit...

Thanx Guys I appreciate the varying responses to my poem very much......It's very interesting to learn how my perception of the lines as the author can evoke a range of aspects upon their delivery to a reader. Ray, I take on board your suggestions and will consider before I tweak...... My reasoning ...

Depressions

Seems I’m being summoned
to go sympathise with the windfalls.
I can only imagine purple paper
is tissue like. The discolouration
showing over my bone
does well to reassure I’m not mistaken.


~*~

Arunasu Perhaps an improvised Cherita? Unless you want to follow the exact criteria of the form which I suspect might itself have evolved. Some glorious images in this tight form.......I'm stuck between the two as they both have merits. Have you considered working the shorter version to include a cl...

Oh tool I'm wondering about the singularity in using "a" in line one and how that bears grammatically under the scrutiny of the execution of your second line...........tut, mmm I detect something of an egotistical nature welling up in this piece..........how human....smile. I get a little ...

tool I think you could really make this piece come alive by choosing alternative imagery to some of the off the peg stuff you have used. Very difficult......starting a piece with a question......sometimes makes a reader.......disengage.......I'm wondering if another angle is available to you here? I...

peter

I agree with the previous comment, there is enough here to work with and with a little perseverance and ironing out the
delivery of the concept you have based the poem around......you should have a nice poem.

thankz

Dalena x

Hi Guys


Not been around for a while.............decided to tidy up a couple of previous posts before jumping in again.....

Hope to catch up with some of you soon......

Dalena x

Cooper I like the rawness of this poem and find myself thinking about the reasoning behind the money........ in respect of why it should have been paid......that's probably me lacking knowledge of such things. The connecting of crime and punishment........is perhaps a little plain here and lacking i...