Poetry Forum

Thank you all so much for this :D However, I know the poem only to have very few good phrases and to be something of a soup of vowels and am hoping someone with more experience can help me focus it into something much better, if that's possible. it's unlike the other things i've write, which were wr...

ps. in case any one had wished to ask but had felt it impolite... yes, english isn't my native language.

zalina, x

i feel this piece would be strengthened greatly by making it more carlos-williams and clipping to halting images the lines, as they demand. it begins that way but loses integrity later as the lines lengthen... for example, given your opening two lines, the first stanza As we sat and watched the flow...

hello arunansu! have you written many sustained pieces for this forum? being inept i'm having a few problems with the search function - bt would like to see what else you've written. would you post a link for me? 'thoughts become older' by the way is an evocative line, - i like it. zalina, x

Why did the Chicken cross the mobius strip? ...

zalina, x

Barrie's thinking of Cad Goddeu is apt. Had you been reading The White Goddess at all? - Riddle me a riddle... I'll come back to this to look closer, I promise. zalina, x

Sneaker, thank you. Oddly - for it's so very central - the way I'm reading it has 'bone' very lonely. Since the poem has only three lines its dissonance doesn't feel right... but I'll try rereading it a number of ways in order to have it fit. Zalina, x

I think David's suggestion of posting poems where they know the kind of feedback they would receive is a very good one. Is this something you are still considering?
zalina, x

glossing eager lips with your vulgar juices, and chins a veneer of sickly disorders – you are the crude and cloying fruit the inadmissible mine to be made soft with time and neglect. taken in festivities of sot condescension and pocketed for a later occasion, fresh from your garden – from your marre...

i LOVE this! Have mercy...

Passing through the crowds and Loving the alien in your own Soul, Stay, and hear the silence of so many Voices. Bubbles of thousands zeros and You, Who notices even The tiniest change of Nothing Where is that which matters for everything in it’s own? To Be and to be able Million thousand miles You h...

"And what thinkest thou that my "Bless you! Bless you! Bless you!" line is, then?"

so shouldn't it be "I bless you! I bless you!" for meter?

zalina, x

Thank you all again, Yes, I understand and am glad you read it that way. I very much mean them both... need them both, I think. Seeing her hand in 'my own' is meant literally to mean the written 'hand' and evoke the physical 'hand'... though that's only its logic and needn't force itself on the read...

I've imagined it... Likely it would prove to be a very frustrated conversation.

thank you for your thoughts everybody.

is the second really so unclear? do you have any suggestions? i think i like a number of these stanzas very much. zalina, x

Just that the meaning of the (hand-)written lines isn't as important as the fact that in them I see my own mother's hand(-writing) and am reminded... to labour it - since parturition's point du jour - we've both terrible handwriting. It's really only that and a few other triter points. Zalina, x ps....

I see in my own my mother’s hand and am happy these written lines Need not mean more to mean enough – but I weep to feel them. Your touch, your kiss, your voice gently calling are perfectly remembered. And I shall have to live knowing my last failure – Even as these carnations pale and are replaced ...

Danté, have you written a version of this which isn't constrained by your chosen form? I'd like to see what you'd do with it. Zalina, x

But OK, sunburn!
Let's see where you get to when
We bend light backward

But you must have been tempted to end the poem with Marx. Last words are for fools? So let him have them and by doing so introduce something of a paradox. The authority of 'last words for fools' coming as last words and so undermining either the author, the quotation, or both... zalina, x ps. The bo...

Will always love you
is much too tricky a line
to start haiku with.

Thank you very much Danté. That helps a lot. zalina, x

Ps. what are the 'MSN [Bot]' and 'Yahoo [Bot]' that browse the forum?

Hello Arunansu...

Only a pedanticle: the subject and verbs don't agree:

*pops the cap*

(i) Shadows --> shelter/vow...
(ii) Shadow --> shelters/vows

*puts her blue-pencil away*

zalina, x

I'm not fond of the SHARPENED scissors, however. Why need this be pointed out? They menace and feel odd to me. The stanza also feels unstable... Sharpened scissors cut a lifeline severed then tied to dry and fall off. since it reads a number of unwelcome ways. To cut an already severed lifeline? The...