Poetry Forum

Some of the language does sound cliche, but I wouldn't change it. The cliche's fit in with the original descriptions in the poem.

Also I like the layout, how there's an odd, changing rhythm throughout. Some of the lines didn't fit for me, but it's a great experiment.


Ayesh x

The gates swing wide and open But someone’s missing from the crowd there’s jeering and there’s cheering But it’s just not as loud I’m sitting and I’m waiting For somebody to say But noone wants to speak the words So they’ll smile for the day. It’s school and so there’s lessons But we don’t want to k...

Haii Dante I actually really liked this poem, particularly the line structure and rhythm a choking on the husk and as metal groans to gather whirling hungry gears. being particular favourite lines I actually have no suggestions for improvement for your edited version (: Amazing poem xx Ayesh :mrgreen:

Thank you for your crits :) I think this poem needs a lot of work to convey the message I was trying to put out, but that's pretty much why I've posted it here :wink: The more I read it I realise the last few rhymes are a bit heavy, I'll try narrowing it down to three rather than five rhymes. I pref...

[I'll think of a better title soon :wink:] Yes, Maybe when I look to the stars I see bad motions, toils, scars stitched into the sky, untarnished seams to hold back all our hopes and dreams in darkest hours I wonder why I bother to laugh, to smile, to cry to ponder lover, to feel hate realationships...

Well thank you for your positive comments :mrgreen: :D Yes this is my first post, it's actually a poem I wrote a year or so ago and yes, it is quite personal to me in a way. Back when I wrote it I wasn't even thinking about syllable lines, but I'm glad I used them now Thanks for being so nice, I'm p...

This is probably one the best songs on this board. I loved this song, it really spoke to me. And no-one to talk to is like talking to The Devil I’m tired of all the noises of the traffic and the voices I think these have to be my favourite lines out of the whole song :wink: however I understand what...

Remember me, for I won't forget These memories - they've got life yet Oh how inside I cannot cry These tears aren't real; my emotions a lie Remember me, it's all I have now I cannot love, I don't know how But still inside I feel so strong I sometimes forget anything's wrong Remember me for I'm still...

I'm sad to say I've never studied a plum for long enough to get such a poem, but reading that I'm now craving one I liked this poem, and the use of descripton in it, but I agree the word glossing somehow doesn't fit.
Ayeshyy x

After reading the whole poem through, I suddenly understood it, and reading it again I could fully understand the description. The lines 'dream-ache view.' and 'through cacophony nightscape sounds.' were my two favourites. No actual critisism on this poem to be honest.