Poetry Forum

Hi Ray I loved it too, and thought the last couplet worked really well: she stands out, she's one of a kind and you can't pin her down. My daughter's already a bit like that, and she's only three. (What's the emoticon for wry grin?!) Just one brief quibble: I know it will make the rhythm less tight,...

The poem is the ending (maybe) - and it's pretty quick now, too!
Liked both versions.
Helen

Ray, you seem to be my evil twin.
Helen

I like it! Brings forward the more upbeat ending a bit, but I don't think that matters.
Helen

I think the 'I guess' plays quite a complicated tonal game, a sort of callous shrug from the onlooker - which both draws in and alienates. I still think it needs to give away a bit more in order to get more impact, but it would be a shame to lose the tightness. The Japanese context certainly helps w...

Thanks, guys. That does help: I've obviously failed to communicate, which is ironic, since that is what the poem is meant to be about (I think) though I wouldn't want to foreclose too much.
'Burying in' is deliberate: like the ostrich, with a funereal tone, possibly some wandering eyeballs too.
Helenx

I was thinking of the line along the edge of the platform, but isn't that white? And what's the danger? In the rain, of accidentally stepping off the platform? Of getting onto a train that isn't going anywhere? The last bit confused me, too: at first I wondered whether there was a person fallen on t...

Well, that's an instant slap around the face. This is what I do instead of self-harming. Is it meant to be metapoetic?! I don't spot anything I'd like to change, but wonder if it might go further. It feels like a narrative set up that could be developed.
Helen

Hi Ray Lots of things I liked about this: the half-rhymes, 'swing a wrist'; not so sure about 'in stewing elbows'. I get the 'stewing' and the 'elbows' but I'm not sure how well they go together. S8 has a different rhythm from the rest - reckon it still needs some thought. But enjoyed the overall co...

Hi Dedalus
Just to say that I didn't see the original version, but this revision is great, it works really well, and I enjoyed it very much. Nothing of substance to add.
cheers
Helen

Hi Marc Going to be awkward and say that I liked the neatness and concision of the first version and its whimsical mood, though the problem with the final line not being ten words is quite a big one. How about 'Time's up? That all? Ah, c'est la vie.' The new version has its own problems: for instanc...

Thanks for reading it, and sorry you found it dull. It is rather negative, I quite agree. Thank you for the link, Brian. Very enjoyable, if quite different (of course). Been away for a while, but I've got a flavour of the current mood in the last week or so. Just wondering, as a matter of interest, ...

Thanks, Ray. Nice conceit. Made me smile!
Helen

(slightly edited) Sliding into the dark, you must not look into the light: it's dazzling and it draws you. Your hands falter and start to turn. Instead you must learn not to look, to bury your eyes in the edge of the road, in the darkest puddles of nothingness. So I go on without your words, and lea...

Hi Tamara Striking poem, enjoyed reading it. Revision definitely a big improvement. But I have to say that I don't see what you gain from having 'glassine' rather than 'glassy'. Your long syllables (whose glass and pool) already slow it down so much that one short one wouldn't be disastrous. Very at...

I'll try it on my nearly-7-yr old tomorrow and see what he thinks.
I like it, in any case! But I agree that the italics are not sufficiently different to need to be marked out.
Lucid, refreshing: rather like its subject.
Helen

Definitely like S2 better now.
I can't think of anything to suggest for S3, and the jumble sale image is a nice one, so maybe a loose ending is the thing. (I think that's what I mean: it sort of drifts off.)
Helenx

Coming late to the party; just to say: I really liked this and your revisions are spot on. I've just moved into a house which has that November feeling, with bits of debris left over from a broken marriage.
GReat read.
Helen

Well I thought it was pretty rhythmic, and apart from not being sure whether she has actually murdered her husband, or merely fantasizes about it, felt it all came home rather too easily. Just not sure that the message on the tin has quite hit the spot. It ought to be something that will tie it all ...

Hello og Lovely to be back and I really enjoyed this! The first stanza was my favourite bit. I also was a bit confused by 'combing whip-like limbs' but I think the problem was with the combing, which seems not to combine well with whips - or indeed blue tits. Not sure, needs a bit of thought. I also...

Hello Ian. I hope I'll get the time to hang around and get to know you!

Hi David! I'll probably just watch for a bit - I've been writing, but I'm not convinced much of it is postable. But I want to carry on learning and the best way to do that is definitely to take it on the chin!

Well, there we go, and suddenly it's nearly a year later. Been surviving, living life, moving house etc, but I reckon my writing has gone a long way down hill. Will try to stay around a bit longer this time, 'cos I enjoyed it so much last time, and you all helped me through a very difficult period. ...

Belated season's greetings to all! Haven't been allowed near a computer over the holiday period... Or a pen. Unfortunately my 2009 looks even busier so I may continue to be an infrequent visitor, but I've also been very impressed and learnt an immense amount. Thank you to all for the welcome and the...

Hello and welcome Callum I read the last two lines as a follow-on in mood from the rest: or rather perhaps a hysteron-proteron (switching around of logical argument). Because you feel like this, the landscape looks like that. Or rather when you feel like this, that's the aspects of the landscape tha...

Wow! A fisher of words. Loved this. Particularly liked ' Caught fat thoughts ' and 'the rainbow rush of syllables ' and the ending. A couple of moments where I wasn't sure it was quite the right word: l.7 string - fits in aurally with the patterns of assonance and previous use of strung, but seems s...