Poetry Forum

'wide aware' Im not sure wehther that works rhythmically or otherwise.. What about., '.. of agony aroused I suffered, and was lost.' ? And, 'I loved, and loving lived in hell, I am whole, unharmed and well.' I dont think that works? You lived in hell, but now your 'well' ... Ok. I think this is quit...

You know, i love short poems.. Im reallylazy, God forgive me. But i think you should take this further, and explore the dead men dialog more... I think this down morbid tempo bar talk could have some real feet... You ever see that film Glengarry Glen Ross? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9mvTHSVsEo&...

thanks for the comments bodkin,

"do you remeber you and I?'' is a stand alone question. And i wanted to say 'It' disappeared not 'we' as 'it' is an entity all by itself.. Its a 'thing' love. Dont know what it is, or where it comes from...

yeah it centres around two things.. Me overcoming my neurosis (as a kid i never liked touching second hand stuff - fear of bogeys i guess!), and also my fascination with secondhand stuff especially books, as at one point in time, someone was there reading, dreaming, thinking, in there own private ga...

(work in progress) Second hand books smell funny. They’re dusty, filled with dead bugs and old man boogas pressed between the pages. Someone likes to keep safe the boogas, don’t touch! I wouldnt lick a second hand book, but sometimes I like to press my nose to the pages, and squeeze my cheek too. So...

Definately, im too lazy for looong poems... But snappy all the same, really enjoyed it!

its a rough draft anyway... I will re jig it.

how do i do that David? I think i prefer to be hidden, I like things ambiguous. How do i make it more personal to you?

From where does love come and where does it go? Out and in with the tide, and so set adrift. Do you remember, you and I? How it disappeared, and though i reached out the sun retreated. Where does love go? Do you remember the days, with spring and new leaves, when the warmth entered in. It was in the...

i think edited it could suit my own pleasure for short ans snappy... I thought that some of the rhyme seemed a bit random, the imagery i mean seemed there just for the sake of rhyme?? i do like 'Thoughts .. yearn for wings' - nice

Enjoyable read nonetheless.

Thanks guys, really good feedback... Im gonna re-jig this... and shave some rhyme off.

ps, 'My Fathers Law' could be many things here, but for me personally, its in reference to Gods law. Im a christian.

definately work in progress Rose Rose so appealing, your colours reside So deep in me you leave marks inside Seduced, wretched and raw So sweet I am undone Your whisper so lazy like the evening sun Spellbound and in awe From my windows I gazed, I forgot my Fathers Law Left my door ajar, and you crep...

i thought pluck a flower like pluck a life... And flowers as in death, a funeral...

''artistic harhness'' not sure about this phrase. And you said we care about humans but "but do we ever care for the flowers/animals?" Eh? Was someones hamster killed in the Mumbai massacre aswell..?

Thanks leigh! Really encouraging. Glad you like it..

This reminds me of something micheal rosen might write..

I wasnt convinced by this, apart from the last verse, i liked that.

I find your writing very sensous Tim, and very compelling. Theres certainly an excited restraint in some of your writings, one gets the impression that your about to implode sometimes... In a good way.


Always a cheeky thoroughly enjouable read.

ps.. Is she dead?

Thanks Dante.... Im not sure where ill take this.. Its meant to be a bit cartoonish, its not necessarily meant to represent a woman, but 'the Wife' whatever that is... Could be the State.

My mother took a look at this and asked if this was her legacy. lol.

This isnt necessarily about a 'Wife' .... Wifey could be a metaphor for anything. Im not married.

Bitch tightens her noose, until she has squeezed the best; honour, zeal and wit. On the heap she leaves a man forged to fit! Choking down black clouds, thunder claps. Crooked mind, sex not on tap, cheek slapped. She irons out, white lightning tight! Balls in teeth, her wings split the night. Man slu...

lol...


I think its pleasure in being annonymous. With no memories, no worries, no expectations, everything in the mind wiped clean...

Eternal sunshine on a spotless mind eh?

happy am I,

man with no face and no memory.
Where mirrors have no dominion.
Dreams quenched and prayers forgotton.

happy am I,
lost in folds of time, you never knew me.
Do not wake me, hard rock resigned.

happy am I,
faceless and not found.

Search this dust, but I am gone, left in mind....

I think you need to trim this poem, I think its too cluttered and would be more effective simplified somewhat? im not sure about all the metaphors used.But i like the content, and the subject.

sorry it wasnt meant to be sarcastic. The nursey rhyme effect is intended. I wanted to give it a kind of mocking simplicity. I can get very frustrated with life at times, and i think this poem is born out of some of that. But it is about freedom. Its interesting to get peoples reactions to it, every...

meant to say, suicide has always intrigued my thinking.

lol. Thats for your own heart to decide Dalena. :wink: For me my flesh is my own nemesis, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not w...