Poetry Forum

I like this. Puts the reader in a fabric of time where entertainment wasn't based on technology (apart from Mum watching afternoon tv) Dad driving miles for economical reasons, kids being kids and being punished for it. Good old times? I feel like knocking on a door and running away!

Piggy Back

My daughter rides high,
The world on my shoulders grow,
Ill never let go.

I fidget with life,
She just giggles and says ‘more'
Until my back burns.

Financially stuffed.
She’s a pig in mud, I’m broke,
I have to let go.

Ruggedly maiming,
nothing can tame him. Lava
churns all it takes in

'words weep'

From the rain and the content!

Wow.

Yeah this is good. Had to read it a few times and now I've come back to it. Starts off so beautifully, than a change in emotion and the reality of death or more specifically 'time' eating away the past sets a depressing tone. (Depressing - isn't negative in this context) I like the references to wea...

I enjoyed this too.

Particularly; "Or is a poet just some person
with troubled mental health?"

I think most of us could hold our hands up to that!

A Poem about Poets. Haha great look.

Wow - I love the form here. Thats top notch stuff. I had to wiki 'troubadours' is that ok... the meaning the same? Is that cheating lol? As mentioned earlier, must've taken a long time to muster. I was wondering if you could swap the first two lines in the first stanza so it could mirror the ending?

Im well and truly lost here. Sorry.

Would be interested to see if any one else can get to grips with it. I'll stay tuned.

This is nice. Not too complicated or cryptic. I like; "My nose is running, to who knows where?" I'm not too keen on "I'm staying horizontal." I don't know why... It's just the word 'staying' that doesn't seem to roll off the tongue well. The meaning of the word fits perfectly, it...

Thank you for your thoughts everyone, will take it all on board.

Im agnostic. I question if I should keep chasing Answers A Bastard son that don’t believe in Fathers. I want a paternity test! A Diagnostic. Something scientific, Give me proof GOD damn it! But Why these feelings? Why love? Why cry? Why fuck, sleep and die? What IS the meaning of life? Aaargghh... M...

Rewarded with jail.
Im an awkward male, I like
this school, it's my house.

I'll be honest and say both endings fall short for me.

'Wax sculpture' definately doesn't fit. I think you need to work on 'I turn into'.

How about; 'I morph into an ice-sculpture'? As 'morph' rhymes with 'form' on the line above, it represents change and you still have your freezing theme.

I don't mind drug references :mrgreen: I think you had the images and scenario in your head and began to fine tune each stanza to its full, cryptic, poetic potential! (if you know what I mean). I think we ALL have this habbit and its hard to work on poetry without assuming people will be on the same...

I like the rhyming scheme here;

"went redder too;
her lips went blue,
and bluer too;"

Im sure this was consciously done but very natural indeed. I was very intrigued as to what the next sentence would deliver, like little mini cliff hangers.

Cheers

I really want to get this but maybe Im having a bad day. I've read it a few times and Im just not sure. Im having trouble with the 'seats being too high for you'. Would love an explanation of the poem cause I know its gonna be one of those 'aahhhh' moments.

Is this about a little girl falling asleep? I dont understand 'I'll spark up some leaf'... Is that a drug refernce? How come you've introduced the first person in this part and no where else? I like the title. Im a little lost in the poem as to whether you're talking about yourself or the girl. Woul...

I just bumped this to see if people thought it was ok as a final edit.

As I said in my previous post, I just added one line (in italic) as I thought it was all that was necessary. Would appreciate advice, many thanks.

I like this better than your previous posts. Seems like a lot more thought has gone into it, I also like; 'So that even if your body Were to touch with mine The entire world would stand between us.' Thats really top notch stuff. I might use that myself in my personal life to win me some brownie poin...

No T.V this time.
How much drama do I need?
My life is enough

Porn?

Haha I don't know, is this about the actual computer screen itself?

Not sure if it does much for me. I think it would be more interesting if it was about a barrier (screen) that seperates real life from the virtual world.

Yes, you're both right Kim and Danté. I'm glad you got it. I have made a revision - I added one line in italic as I think thats all it needs to make it clear. Now both stanzas have eight lines, seems more even and gives enough information to prompt a re-read and understanding of metaphors. Thanks fo...

hey! the typo in the revision - first line :D This reads like a valentines card. This is good begginners stuff but Im going to be super critical! because I think you can take it. For me, the rhymes are too simplistic. Three/four letter word rhymes throughout. e.g. 'will - still', 'heart - dark', 'ra...

Ok- I've read this 5/6 times. Think I've got the gist, but some of it goes over my head. I suppose seeing 'one half of a conversation' does this? I like: "Your bones are still pliable, using my hands is sufficient to flex some of them until you don’t care what your name is." I could imagin...

This type of poetry hits home with me because its flow highlights a moment in thought that mimics reality. i.e. it would be natural to have that pattern of thought in the length of time it takes to read it. It would make an intriguing suicide note. Hehe... but a legendary, rockstar type. Almost as i...