Poetry Forum

You swallow words, you swallow wine. you don't swallow glasses. You can use ashes to cover something up and hide it. you can't hide anything behind glass. Perhaps there is some common reference in English language or culture, I lack, that makes me unable to understand your seemingly compulsory asso...

Neil, Thanks ever so much for taking the time to comment - unfortunately though I think I hadn't made it clear enough that the part in italics following -----------------Previously--------------- is an old version which I have subsequently reworked and replaced with the part above so the sections wh...

This doesn't grip me. I might be mistaken but I think I've heard the expression "There's never a good reason for" to often to think this piece to be original. As this makes up the center of the poem, the entire poem strikes me as a cliché. I might be alone in this though. Also, without th...

Richard, I like it, I dont think theres anything that needs changing in this one for it to read nicely :) possibly I might "desire with rage" or "rage with the desire" but thats little difference. Also, for me, I would end with "by the light of our internal fires." as i...

Hiya, This is a tricky one for me. I am not really sure that I follow this besides that it reads to me that you don't really like someone / a minority group of people but I don't know who or why... Certainly a start would be to decide on the capitals, you started with each line beginning in uppercas...

Nicky, I've re-read this with each new comment added but have been too timid thus to comment as I feel this is one far beyond my due restriction... (better left to the experienced I feel!) never the less, you've been kind enough to offer mine the time so I thought I'd share my thoughts, if even to b...

A new version

bit worried by the length and opted to stick with it on the stanza patterning but I've tried to incorporate the comments and personally think / hope that I have made a bit of progress towards a better poem through doing so...

Suzanne - thanks, I'm with you and Peter (and Nicky), I think it would benefit from a few line tweaks and have some forming to swap out the television event stream for a more emotional reader-poet connection (I hope!!) Nicky - soo many thanks! The climb in mind is actually listed as E4 5c so quite a...

Neil, In an odd kind of way I liked this - it seemed rather hard to read the first time around but after that much easier and nicer... I didn't grasp the right kind of label first time around and I don't think I found the right rhythm but in the second reading I had fun with the her; his, other's an...

Tim Love wrote: And should "rapped" be "rapt"?

Good spot! Thanks

Seems the jury may still be out on S1 then... I'd be interested to hear if anyone else thinks the punctuation confuses that first line - I'm not sure it does myself, I just didn't think it flowed so well.

Thanks Peter, Though I must admit I am a little suprised as I had in my mind that S1 was in fact the stanza that flowed least well! Thankfully I obviously struck lucky ;) You're right about 'ascend', I previously had 'climb' and replaced that to avoid repetition but obviously missed the fact I'd alr...

Breathing discarded long ago, my heart has slowed; still beating? Attention rapt, fixed and focused, the world has narrowed, faded fast - there’s just the arête in view. Checking knots, tugging at gear - searching for each new excuse. Dipping for chalk, a flex and shake; even clouds are long since d...

Hiya, Those are all fair points and thanks for making them - I think essentially I tried too hard to write something just using the first letters of his name (which is rather limiting in terms the number of letters!) and the arguement (although I agree I don't sell it) was supposed to be along the l...

Killing with cruelty obstructing joy, there's never a reason, for young boys with guns. I previously had young children which seemed to stumble on the toungue but i prefered the word This has been a tricky one for me, the first letters are forced but I wanted this fact to hide unnoticed and I wanted...

Sam, I think I prefer this one to your snow poem. Some people are advertently against each line ending rhymming with the next, but when reading it none stood out to me as too glaringly forced. My first comment would be to revisit March - this pair reads as though you ran out of steam a little, I thi...

Tom, Don't be put off - I'm a fellow dyslexic :) (though there are differing severities and levels of subconsious coping strategies and I know it can be pretty challenging / frustrating at times). I was very amused when I read the comment from Thoth our South African friend as I had initially misrea...

Victoria, Such an interesting idea and such an unfortunate shame that I did not realise what it was until I read the preceeding comments :( re-reading a second time I appriciate it a massive amount more, though must admit that I still find it pretty hard going the second time... I don't think I will...

Sam, I think myself I'd condense it considerably to one stanza made from your best lines and rename it something like "The first snow" (purely to avoid the cliche - something I'm not very good at either!): At first a light covering gleams, Then brighter, thicker, more defined. The ground e...

Hello again, Its been a while... four years since I joined and three since I got lost (or thereabouts). I haven't forgotten you guys - though I entirely don't blame you if you've forgotten my fleeting visits! I watched a film today which made me think - enough to drag out a pen, dust off some paper ...

I really liked this, on my first reading i felt the last stanza was unnecessay, however that prooved to be merely due to my lacking vocabulary as i did not know the meaning of a cay... having looked up the deffinition the stanza seems perfect in description and closes a beutiful scene i do pause to ...

Cheers guys I aprieciate your comments :) and there was me thinking that this poem was hiding in the dark somewhere gathering dust! I hope you also enjoy some of my later poems and fingers crossed you will be able to see some sort of progression although to be entirely honest it may be very hard to ...

thank you all for your comments, I'm glad people have enjoyed this as its currently contesting for a position as my favourite write... arunasu - i think i agee that "i'll add in a smile" works better for me too Dante - have tried an altered opening as you suggetsed, I can certainly see whe...

My bitter saddness, masked [tab][/tab] [or: Bitter saddness is masked] by a cloaking indifference, true feelings are lost it makes life easier to bear. When asked, I'm Okay [tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab] [or: I say Okay ] I'll add in a smile, [tab][/tab] [or: I'll even add a...

Having returned to this again im wondering if you are trying to convey the passage of the sun through the day? In which case the solarises comments are irrelivant but the title could do with a tweak... If not then ignore me as I'm clearly just getting too tired tonight!

Hiya They? I enjoyed this and certainly enjoyed the idea! there were a couple of items I spotted though: S1 - "but haven't said a word to no one" might read better as "but haven't said a word to anyone" no one just seemed out of place... - also I wasn't too sure what you meant by...