Poetry Forum

Thanks for all the advice. I've had a go at a revision and would be glad of amy more feedback.

thanks

Giving (Revised) When rays of energy and strength are bestowed saplings and students grow upward in praise and reverence. Finches and followers fly toward In honour and admiration. Life and evolution are sustained until the moon takes hold. Giving (original) The sun bestows rays of energy and streng...

Hi Catastrotopia

I loved this - particualrly the ambiguity in the words. I wasn't sure of S4 - it didn't have a very clear image for me but loved S5.

thanks

thanks everyone for the suggestions. Dante yes I have posted in the order I've written but I did realise with this one that I had gone back a little to the style I had at the beginning. I think I was thinking too much of the message I wanted to convey rather than the style I was using. I am also try...

Gem

Years spent seeking, a rare
and precious gem; revealed
upon a rugged path
a myriad of colour
lies within a sliver of glass
reflected from above.

I really enjoyed this. It reminded me of a lot of young people that I work with. I was unsure of "pen" and "ditty" to begin with but this gave me an image of somebody doing one thing but wanting to create a different image. Not sure if this is right - but then I never am.

I really enjoyed this, particualrly the last line. It made me think about how ordinary historical events can be for some people and it's only years later that we might see the impact.

Thanks for sharing - this will be good to look back on.

Thanks to everyone for the great advice.

Basnik I liked your rewrite - thanks for taking the time.

David wrote:. It's something people seem to do a lot, when they're starting out in poetry - I hope you don't mind me saying that -
David

David I don't mind at all - all advice is greatfullly received.

cheers

Hidden Talent A company was hit by recession with a chance to win a contract the client wanted an ad about Mars and didn’t care what cost. The chief exec gathered the company and told them they needed to win he asked if anybody knew their way around the stars. A cleaner by day, an astronomer by nigh...

I liked the overall feel of this. I love the way you say so much in a few lines. "Bald" didn't seem quite right to me but not sure why. "You'd munch through a humdrum breakfast" also seemed out of place but maybe I'm missing something. Thanks for sharing. My aim is to try and tig...

This really pulled me along with it. I enjoyed the first 3 S as i built up a picture of a loveable character. S4 & 5 then made me feel uncomfortable as it was clear that what appeared as gentle teasing meant a lot more to Eddie and I felt I'd been part of the teasing. Very well written.

I really enjoyed this Suzanne. I liked the idea of climbing into a space where dreams are held and definately wanted to come with you. I can see how some added imagery might enhance this piece but I enjoyed using my imagination and picturing the place for myself.

cheers

It took me a few reads before I could understand any of this but when i did I like the image it created. I think it was the first line that put me off to begin with but once I got past that I really enjoyed.

thanks for the replies - very useful as always. Karalma I get the impression that the lines were constructed individually, which might not be the case, but they do seem a little choppy here and there in respect of the transition from one to another. Danté I hadn't realised I'd done this but when I t...

Just to say I loved this Ben. For me it had realism and compassion. One of my favourites that I've read on here. Thanks for sharing and working so hard on it - it was worth it.

cheers

Thanks for the advice. I've tried revising it. Hope it's an improvement.

Hi Leigh

I liked this as I thought it flowed well. However the flow seemed to stop with the last words. I thought something like "you didn't even know" flowed better but maybe the idea was to stop the flow??

New Horizons Nerves jangled as rails Ricocheted away to a new life far away A decision reached, now reconsidered Crackling commuters fuelled fear Mind painted an horizon of surly strangers Dreams of comfort and security inside a little box. Soothed by gentle swaying Bare trees and sheep slipped by A...

Captivity (Revised) A wild, white stallion reared in protest spirit and vitality whistling like wind as he challenged captivity. Incarcerated he continued to fight strength and stamina shone beneath his beating coat magnificence and majesty still reigned. As months passed and nightmares of prowling ...

Hi

I loved the first four lines. The imagery made me think of a relaxing, exotic holiday. However, I didn't really udnerstand the last line - it changed the feel somehow. Really enjoyed though. thanks

Hi Cat

This did make me laugh. I thought it was cleverly written and there was a surprise at the end. However, it also made me shudder a litlle. I think it was the mixture of desire, dad and young girl that gave it a little bit of a sinister feel. Maybe this was intended?

Cell of Peace I awake to shouts and calls I remember today’s anniversary. But with this birthday comes horror As I look around, forlorn. Bare walls, a sink and a toilet Are all that are in view today I close my eyes and try to remember How I came to be here this day. I remember songs, drinks and foo...

I thought this was great but was unsure of the last line. Although I liked it it didn't quite seem to fit with the rest. I think it was because as others have said it needed something to finish it.

I really enjoyed this Suzanne. For me it had sadness, determination and hope. Great ingredients in my mind.

I enjoyed this. It had a great feeling of comfort.