Poetry Forum

Tall and proud,

Quite the cyclops

Till time again the culprit

Bleeds its life away.

Wheezing softly, a concealed exhale

Shrinks the pupils and rivals

The shine of the mooon.

Cylindrical,

Regardable,

Extinguishable.


havent posted in a while, merry christmas everyone

pastrniu.
xx

aha - right you are dillingworth, pedantry again overshadowed by my laziness..

as for the context, you were spot on, although in this case the 'observers' paradox' was personified, while retaining its conceptual form..

atb.

hi dillingworth, thanks for the feedback im glad you didnt think the rhyme ruined it, my main worry was that it relied too much on the 'er' and 're' sounds.. 'the observers paradox': normally only pedantic linguistics students like myself know what it is, but see if you can work it out from the cont...

Your hollow soporific mutter melts Into the walls, which sweat the Brand of cherryade I so desire. Stop confining my ideas to the Shredder, your paper back look Reeks of the morning after. And I can see that red light Glaring in the corner, a steady Whirring as the observers paradox' Taps you on the...

hi all,

i havent posted or commented on here for a while, ive been away and am now trying to read up on everyone..

really like this camus, both humourous and clever

ill post something new of my own soon hopefully

atb

rasp.

'capture' i like, though i think it could interfere with the rhyme, as it sounds too much like 'eager'..

ile stick with 'steal'

thanks for the suggestions tom..

atb/

raps.

some well presented observations i think, especially: 'his piglet frame and mouse-like eyes stare silent on a hard armchair' and.. 'The receiver hides his coiled scar, the cartilige footprint of..' but.. 'Never married, never young, he retired out of fear.' a bit subjective maybe? although I think i...

cheers tom..

man i should really bite the bullet and start using emoticons at some point..


this fella's pretty cool

one thing, i know this might seem a bit pedantic, but

'catch' a glimpse, or 'steal' a glimpse?, which sounds better?

raps.

i havent as such but i shall..good idea pseudo..

cheers for input..

all the best?

i always thought of it as 'at the brink', but i guess so..
hehe

atb indeed

rasp.

none of them!

'the piper at the gates of dawn' i reckon..

i agree camus..

bono has always come across as bit of an arsey wanker, and u2 are frankly boring

as forr ok computer at no 1, as highly as i rate it, it surely cant beat the white album?

or up the bracket for that matter
hehe

no i mean i didnt actually realise that he was the ex-singer, i just thought he was one of their good friends who'd died..

aah well
too hot to be arguing over such pedantic details

i must admit, i saw cradle of filth several years ago,

i was enthralled at the time but looking back they were bloody awful

did the mars volta's singer really die? i thought it was just cedric's new project after at the drive in fell apart.. i saw them a coupla months back..my only criticism is that i think their new 'prog rock' sound can come across as being quite melodramatic and pretentious..whereas at the drive in we...

haha
oh dear..i didn't mean that..i'd better do a bit of punctuation shifting.

thanks a lot camus..
glad you liked it.

atb.

rasp.

The moths find their moon, and Orbit chaotically, as the last traces of late Afternoon pollen dissolve into the Air: heavy with perspiration and a thick sickness, brought on by a lukewarm smoothie and one cigarette too many. Minor chords tease my nerves, violin Strokes jut like blunt elbows: I choke...

camus,

i especially enjoyed 'to write a poem', and 'new life'

though your regional accent did make me giggle..just as you'd probably laugh at my london twinge!

i think you've hit upon a really good idea..

atb..


rasp.

edited..

the solution to the problem of the last line was staring me in the face!

thanks a lot caleb,

i agree with you on the guitar line..flows much better

im not sure about ending it at 'depression' though, seems a bit abrupt..

do you not think there are too many 'you' s?

ile rework and edit soon..

all the best

rasp.

The second it’s over, a rough wave of regret. Sleep till your sober, wake up Drink coffee, and try to forget. Your head is locked in a vice That grips and holds tight, Squeezing you dry of last nights dreams. Lie flat, sullenly strum your guitar Wish you could get up, but know that you can’t. Colour...

best wishes that girl, and good luck in life.


i for one really enjoyed her poems, and without meaning to sound too sucky-uppy , could a thread be organised to display some of her best work posted on the forum?

rasp.

hehe

for the most determined of pranksters i hear even mcdonalds have pc's these days...

i really like this, it gives an example of the strange happenings of everyday life - reminds me a bit of when you are walking towards someone, they go left, you go right, you go left, they go right..then you end up bumping to each other anyway!

nice work

raps.

sean,

thanks a lot for your comments, i agree that the centrepiece is quite weak in comparison, although id like to keep the 'i drink the..' line after reworking..

further changes will ensue, unless i decide to give up and move on..

cheers,

atb

rasp.

wow! you live bloody near me...

nice short poem too, especially

'In slow fluid motion '