Poetry Forum

I wouldn't call it an horrific description of cannibalism - just an amusing little couplet.
I do still think that the poem is split though.

It's actually about a soldier who had his legs amputated.

I see your point about the title mind you, I didn't really think about it; and it can be a very important part of any poem.
I'll chew on it.

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I was curious when I saw this poem had no replies, and I'm glad I came in: I thought it was superb. Possibly because it reminded me of myself slightly ;) I particularly liked the 'bleeding grapes / to oil the hinges of the gates' and 'miles of mystery trips / to places he might suffocate'. I caught ...

I see what you mean about the 'soldier cloud', but I think I'm going to remain stubborn about that one... at least for now. It's where the poem came from. I'll keep it mind though, and it may have to be changed in the future if it really is a huge stumbling block. I'm not sure about the capital S ei...

That ending is excellent. I'm not sure however, that it completely matches the rest of the poem. The three stanzas before the final couplet have a meandering feel, which works well in establishing a feeling of looking back on the past. The final couplet however, jumps out at you and takes you by sur...

I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with the general feeling regarding Apollo, but there's some excellent stuff here. I liked the dog walking the woman, the leaping spires, the burning rivulets of air. I do feel that there's a somewhat unmerited marriage between hyperbole and the everyday though. ...

'Cloud' here is a noun, as in a cloud shaped like a solider.

It's heavily implied that there is a body inside a suitcase, if that's the image you were confused about. The tongue section is just a kind of writhing, disgusted bliss.

This is a poem not quite complete: I intend to expand it, probably in a backwards direction rather than forwards. Apologies if anyone finds the subject matter upsetting. ________________________________________________________________________ I saw a soldier cloud against the black, and I fantasised...

Just Garageband and the built in mic on my macbook; I like being able to just open it up and go.
Thanks for listening, I really enjoyed making these little interludes.

Here's something of a lifeless mugshot:

I look forward to it.

The message was there; just suffocated.

Like Elphin, I thought the final stanza was by far the strongest; I really liked it in fact. I also think that it works perfectly as an ending. The rest of it just didn't work so well for me though: a slight mix of pretentiousness and cliche, though I stress that I don't mean that quite as strongly ...

Longing for droplets of warm shower spray, Shattered and golden, inhaling the heather, Laughing at this most petulant weather; Oil rigs dance through smouldering grey. Shattered and golden, inhaling the heather, Longing for droplets of warm shower spray, Oil rigs dance through smouldering grey; Laug...

My favourite bands have been at a constant for a few years now: Neutral Milk Hotel and The White Stripes.

I personally really enjoyed the vocal delivery, until the second verse when it did begin to sound a bit faint. I loved the what I took to be synthesizers, and the instrument work in general is excellent; the lyrics were nice too.

Worthy of repeated listens, and a slot on my ipod!

These two are interludes; that is to say, they are to be placed in between songs. The first is entirely instrumental, the second features the repeated line 'there's a blue box / in your ceiling'. They're meant to be lo-fi too, so don't fret about the crackling, like it or not of course as you will. ...

I'm more likely to bowl a beamer >_>

Thank you, and thank you.

It's one of my favourite songs, and easily my least obscure (if you've seen any of my poetry well... it's not quite that obscure)
Thanks for taking the time to listen, it's a bit underwhelming on paper I know.

Regarding 'carved'; I feel that sounds slightly too considered. I think 'embedded' works better.

Helpfully, I like it just the way it is, language wise. I think you just need to sharpen up the punctuation a bit; the last two lines for example, should perhaps be seperated by something a bit stronger than a comma. That and other related gubbins aside though, I wouldn't advise messing around with ...

I'm going to be intensely irritating, and say that I preferred the first version. I fear this is only because it wasn't conveying what you wanted to convey, in which case there's no problem and I'll hoard away that first attempt as a little segment of wonder in my mind. It's one of those little, bea...

A friend of mine commented that it reads like a mothers' loss. I think I agree with her. The first stanza is the first stanza that I love most out of all my first stanzas. Imagery of age, youth, death, life, birth, time, as well as childlike imaginings I hope combine to help you create that picture....

As defensive as it may sound, I'm not sure my aim is ever to sound contemporary. Neither am I sure that it should be a requirement. Apart from that though, I think you're pretty much justified in your revulsion. I think that the main problem isn't so far from what you said. It's less of a gap betwee...

A sea of sighs heralds the morning sun squatter who - like the blanket thief - preambles the sacrosanct, is suffix to the cooling crib which lies in the hallway: derelict, milky, and utterly still. Still, the spine bends its lonely trail of iron; asleep to the wingless, golden to the angels who - sp...