Poetry Forum

Hi Philip,

Thanks for the useful suggestions. I agree with you about that 'lid of light' thing, it was rushed and yes, I think speech marks would set it off better.

Appreciate you spending some time with this Phil.

Hi elph, thanks for your voice of moderation. It just felt like some people were ganging up against me for trying to do something a bit different. Yeah, I think you're on the right treack, if there is a 'right' track here. I hoped that everyone would take something different from it. Part of the rea...

Well Ros, I think it would also be considered 'etiquette' to acknowledge the efforts of people in providing detailed responses to a poem posted, mentioning no names there. Anyway, you want analysis, here it is. Ragged and cubbed is paradoxical, it means beaten and old in a certain way, young in anot...

There's plenty to take from this poem, but because the realisation had to be worked for, so does the poem. That's being faithful to subject matter; these concepts are abstract. Has anyone ever read surrealist poets? I could write the kind of tactile stuff you'd like to see, but I don't fancy it much...

The only thing that wasn't meant for poetry is judgement.

Because our Universe is in flux, those who try to 'claim' are the tragic amongst us.

Now run along and play, you little scamps, and don't say ol' Bernie ain't good to you, eh?

Hello all,

I think the problem with your criticism is that you expect poetry to do a certain thing. Poetry doesn't have to be sensual, it doesn't have to be concrete. It all depends on the narrator's point of view.

Eats away at shore,
the wind-blackened horizon.
What remains of us.

Hi Sharra, I guess technically it is concrete, but it didn't feel it to me Interesting statement though slightly paradoxical, I feel. I think the job of the critic is to, as far as possible, put his/her personal 'tastes' aside in order to step into the flow of a piece, try to learn where it's coming...

Ragged and cubbed, as if just gathered from harvest on virulent seas, elation swells your silences, your August face is inked and silted but all can be forgotten in a day; the diaries of loss and oyster character, each thinly embossed failure. Colour every semblance, break the ideas worn, wear a dr...

Hi Sharra,

Sharra wrote:I wonder if you need some concrete detail in there to ground the more abstract images?

In crippled stalls
housing books and curiosity, I

Doesn't that count as concrete?

Hi camus, first impressions of this are pretty good; it's an interesting piece. I like a good chunk of prose poetry though I hardly ever attempt it myself. Liked 'skinny-fat' dogs, though not keen on the word 'imperceptible' here, feels clumsy and vision alone has that connotation to it anyway, I th...

Hello all, thanks for the comments. Jasper, I like the idea of dropping 'from town' so that'll be happening in the rework. Quite surprised that some people didn't get the ending, 'books' was the clue. I'm just looking round a bookstall, stealing thoughts! Each life is the life represented in print, ...

Cheers David,

that'll do me. I hear what you're saying about S5, did S6 seem o.k? Anyway, I've posted a bit of a revision that hopefully heeds your advice.

Colander! D'uh.

Hi emuse, I think this is a pretty strong piece. Normally, when I find something I like I focus most on the parts that seem weakest. It's a compliment, trust me! It's not often you see the title as the first line of a poem, I like that but it comes as a bit of a surprise here. Not sure why, maybe ju...

Lonely at home, still reeling from the punch of shop windows I took a curving path outwards from the centre of town. Sound bubbled and drained through the colander streets. A thin, pressed man shook out a tired rug and threw foreign words into the air, ................................ barbed forms ...

Hi mesmie, I like this piece, it's difficult to write about something like this without retreading old paths, but you've largely pulled it off here. I think the first stanza works well but the second doesn't quite seem right. I don't think 'Flowers in my hair' belongs in a sentence on its own and I'...

Hi Sharra, I think the revision is an improvement. The indents break the poem up and make it easier to swallow but don't seem artificial, 'to moment' for example. That works, feels necessary. Wab has mentioned the first four lines. I'd argue that children don't really understand 'waiting' as it is u...

Love,
whispered word:
a single hand-clap
echoing forever
through the canyon
of my days.

Or at least it was
there, many eons have passed.
Long away, ago.

Hi Philip, I'm taking a little breather from the haiku rally we've got going (much obliged by the way!) I've seen this one developing, I definitlely prefer it in its present incarnation. There are some great lines here, elph's already mentioned one line I thought was particularly strong. Yes, it cou...

They wish they could flow
but not one can hold a beat.
The teacher has thin arms.

The filtered sunlight
pains through a depth of winter,
fatted rivers dance.

There, to feast on dogs
and crush wine from new flowers.
The bloody moon bathes.

Hi elph,

really liked this. When I read the first stanza I was thinking 'surely not' then it all became clear.

I can't see anything that needs improvement; it is what it is. Three stanzas, three lines, perfect from every angle I'd say.

You bloody cynic!

Arrive just in time,
voices shake the podium.
His head's in the noose.