Poetry Forum

Thank you for useful replies. I have edited slightly and will think about a title change. Gazelle

Damn wine.

Left hanging


Low-lying areas
are still frost-slippery
and like icicles
that stretch in increments
to touch the ground,
you edge slowly down
each wet layer solidifying
a whispered "fuck you"
under my breath

under my roof
under my eaves
under my
where you'll never reach.

Below.







.

The title is used well though I don't like the whole thing in caps. You seem to change perspective in the last section, who is asking those questions? Something is not quite right. Good poem topic though.

The title is much better. It is a sweet story and you've captured both the excitement and sadness well. You've left us wanting this guy to be happy and hope he follows her. I liked gypsy jumpers and the last verse is very good. I look forward to more.

remembered always
jagged scar across my cheek
where you once loved me

flake off your stubborn
it falls like dried flesh from bone
a transformation.

He left her swinging
oak-cloaked branch and bare shoulders,
stole her dancing shoes.

Owen, I liked this very much. The first stanza was very tight. The second was also enjoyable and added some insight. The last part was a pleasing refrain. I wondered why you'd post this for a crit as all as it feel quite complete. Very lovely.

calio, this is very insightful. I believe it is a little girl watching the N clean up after lunch. It is wonderful that the snakes are described as loose tights. That is prefect and an image that a child would use. Measuring to see how big she is by the difference in hair length is quite clever. It ...

didn't yet exist

didn't yet exist

through my teeth, hope not
with my tongue, I will speak not;
it need not be said.

now merged into one
like the moth wants the bright flame
I want you, want you.

Dear Lovely, This poem is very interesting. You share yourself with ease, it just flows. I am sure you get a sense of satisfaction and it must feel good. Gazelle

Ian, this person was painted so restless and anxious. It is uncomfortable to read because you have done it so well. Gazelle

On waters within
subtle urges rise slowly;
a gasp of release.

Thank you All for your kind replies. I appreciate the gentle feedback. Gazelle

grabbing by your feet
pebbles shift effortlessly
under clear water.

Vermilion

Twisted red wool
loosely wraps around my fingers
as the head of my hook
is pushed into tight holes
easing them larger. I reach for
another piece of yarn
to bring through the loop
and repeat the rhythm...

but your chair is empty,
your pattern's changed
and I can't find our red thread.

kimibob,

I found this to be a very powerful poem and enjoyed it very much. Gazelle

even
a filthy pond sees
white cranes

Your lines were very pleasant, all of them. I liked the last one best. Gazelle

Walk like a zombie
I plod 'round an empty room
my bones seek warm flesh.

sparrow seeks shelter
sharp hail wounds tender grasses
hide under my eaves.

no room for bombers
sheer layers protect nothing
explosive words fly.

spiralling mushrooms
moist forest floor carpeted
with butterflies wings.