Poetry Forum

Cheers guys. David - agree about the overuse of 'green and pleasant land' but as you say, it's acceptable as an ironic statement which was my intention. Hopefully that has come through in the poem. Ray - Again agree with the loss of 'burned-down' or even 'flavoured'. The 8 syllables spoils the flow ...

Thanks guys. Yes, I agree the rhythm does waver slightly here and there. I originally posted this on an 'American' forum which is why I used 'diapers' instead of 'nappies' so I should have changed that. 'Teenage Wasteland' is a line from the Who song 'Baba O'Reilly'. I grew up in Brixton. Our flat w...

Thanks guys. Yes, I agree the rhythm does waver slightly here and there. I originally posted this on an 'American' forum which is why I used 'diapers' instead of 'nappies' so I should have changed that. 'Teenage Wasteland' is a line from the Who song 'Baba O'Reilly'. I grew up in Brixton. Our flat w...

Teenage Wasteland Welcome to the bomb-site The post-war council tip Headless dolls on toilet rolls The contents of your skip Where Rubik’s cubes and old L.P’s Are thrown on top of tyres Remnants from the Seventies Are stuffed in deep fat fryers Punctured footballs, spineless books And lids without ...

Much enjoyed. I read the revised poem which works better. You conveyed an emotion well in that it didn't get hackneyed nor wishy-washy. Superb story-telling.

Pete

Cheers Peter. I like the constructive criticism here, it has given me some food for thought. I'm happy for it to be called 'prose' but if I posted this in the prose section in it's current format, someone would accuse it of being 'poetry'. :-) I think what's important to me is whether the 'poem' or ...

Thanks for all your comments. David - Personally, I really like the last stanza, I feel it adds another dimension to the poem. Arian - This piece of work has always been a 'poem'. I've written many 'character-based' poems in this style. I've never attempted prose but I do understand what you are say...

Thanks John. I have recently been looking at the different ways to format my poetry. For years I 'centred' my work but after a little research I found that the left alignment is the more accepted format. I understand your point about the capitals at the start and it's something I am looking into. Al...

The Quiet Gentleman He toured the less populated Areas of town The unobtrusive bars frequented by The more sedate drinkers Where the poets and thinkers The depressed and the repressed Sit together alone All with their own story to tell Where the silence is broken Only by the sound of the last order...

Thanks Ben again!

Thanks too to Lovely and r cox.

I like this style of writing, I think i've finally found my niche. Billy Brown changed his name to Gordon and is now running our country. Horrible little man!

Mad Billy Brown I went to school with Billy Brown Billy Brown was bonkers He’d hopscotch home with broken bones And pelt the bus with conkers I once caught him eating worms With cold soy sauce and chop-sticks He cut their heads off one by one And stuck their tails on tooth-picks I lived next door t...

Thank you Suzanne. The crazy thing is I posted this on the poets sanctary forum and it was banned and removed due to the word 'foul' which was deemed as 'bathroom-type crudeness'. Can you believe that? 'Twat' was ok even though some people could deem that as a derogatory word for the female genitali...

Thanks David. What I meant by forced, was I let rhyme dictate where the story went. I couldn't seem to get the correct indentations when posting it, I tried but it just aligned everything to the left.

It's just a version of Edward Lears 'The Owl and the Pussy-cat'. Nothing more, nothing less, just abit of fun, completely forced.

The Foul and the Silly-Twat The Foul and the Silly-Twat went to Spain On a Boeing 747. They took some weed, and plenty of speed And flew off for a hell made in heaven. The Foul looked up from his plastic cup, In his hand he was holding a bra, ‘You silly old Twat! This isn’t my hat, What a silly old...

Thanks, whoops I've edited it. Thanks for pointing that out!!

I Don’t Like Your Poems “I don’t like your poems”, she said And that’s when I knew it was dead And she’d never seduce me More likely refuse me Cos she didn’t like what she read “I don’t like the theme”, she said It’s weak and it hangs by a thread She pulled it apart Like a knife through the heart T...

If I'd omitted the first line, it would have been a nature poem. Metaphorically it's the aftermath of a violent argument. Sometimes less IS more but my thoughts are my poem has power, and strong imagery. I normally write in rant and rhyme mode on very working-class themes so I think this is very dif...

Thanks. I normally rant and rhyme in my poetry so this was a first attempt at diversifying.

The Storm Your words are an avalanche of spiteful venom Like bitter snarling winds screaming grotesque howls Through forgotten deserted forests Destroying in its path, the weak and the feeble Rotting decaying branches injured from previous battles Cling to their fading lives As the merciless tsunam...

Nice theme. I too love the smell of old books!

Thanks folks. I wanted to keep it truthful which meant I was limited to what I could and couldn't use. It took 2 whole days and almost sent me ga-ga!

Do you mean Flamingo's in Woolwich? I receieved a right hander from the bouncers one night many years ago. Horrible meat market. Great stanza. I may steal your theme!!

Nice image. Sometimes less is more. Much enjoyed