Poetry Forum

Hi there... I've missed your posts the most since last I was here regularly. Glad you're still sticking with the Japanese form. You've a definite and well-paid-off love with it. I'm smiling now, as I realise that a poem titled 'meditation' actually asks for no response. I do wonder, and may be stepp...

Hi there...

I like this, definitely a 'contemplator'. A good title/content combo.
I'm not sure I fully get the snowman - and maybe just me, but I can't hear 'grass' without thinking vividly green and adds an unwanted (by me, I stress) hue to the scene.

Hi there...

Very nice. I like S1 in particular.

Apologies if this has already been addressed in your previous post...but...
I'm no bird expert, but are the ornithological references to sea birds in particular? (i'm guessing bewick is Thomas?)

Hi there... I'm going to echo the comments about modern/classical - particularly 'ruth'. Lovely word, and I've no problems with archaisms, but it sticks out like a sore thumb here. Putting content aside, the form of S1 is interesting. Good on the page, with different lines lengths and rhymes adding ...

Hi there... Already a few pointers to improvement, but I must say the first half reads really well for me. Stanza 2 in particular is a veritable soup of beauty to be read aloud - a somewhat techno sentiment, but whirling with resonance, sibilance and plosives. This, I do love in poetry. An exercise ...

Hi there... I like the subtle touch of S's 1 and 3, line3 - the use of "in" rather than "to", in contrast to the steady "to"s in the other stanzas. I think it's the little touches like this that make more seemingly simpler pieces more elegant. Having said that, the penu...

Hi there. Very simple, and very sincere. A good combination for me. I'd thought on seeing the title that this was perhaps to do with Churchill's Black Dog. Mind you, "Fraggle" he could never be referred to as. Its always a good thing to be creative when you're on the other side of that dar...

Thanks for the comments. I was trying desperately here to be straightforward and understandable. I think I got there...

Aru, I guess you pirates prefer the old message in a bottle sos.

Hi there. Nice use of unusual imagery as others have said. I was intrigued by the overall form. The rhyme is very neat and not forced, yet the metre and punctuation are defiantly oblivious to this when being read. It almost wants to be a sonnet. Is this an experimental playing around with this tradi...

The wind blows midnight aside.

I know you're awake -
I'm awoken inside.
Stirred and aroused
and drifting around.

Though many miles apart,
here together
in the dark
we're forging anew.

The wind bellows,
I stoke the fire.
We're closer now
than we've ever been.

Hi there. I've been reading your work for the last month or so that I've been here. I've always enjoyed it and found your use of traditional forms really engaging. This one here though I felt reached out to me as a reader with a stronger, personal, beckoning finger than anything else I've read so fa...

Hi there. I've not much to say in the way of constructive crit, other than I really enjoyed this one. Enjoyed particularly the structure after a few reads through - it may just be me, but the sharp jubilance of youth, then a jaded post youth understanding, followed by a mature summation? On a side n...

Thanks for the insight Elph. I was originally going to title this "when Push comes to Love" but thought it a bit too tacky. I'm not quite sure now though... I was trying to capture the feeling when first love turns from an innocent thing into something more jaded, love as a game, for examp...

Hi there. This is my favorite of your seascapes. I've been rereading the other two which I heartily enjoyed, but this in particular does it for me. I'm not so hot on haibun, but it's a form I do enjoy to read, and would only with great trepidation attempt myself. A sterling effort, very enjoyable, t...

Hi there.

A point of the rhythm side of things. I think that this would flow a lot better if you discarded some of the more superfluous words. The "to me" in S1L2 for instance. Perhaps superfluous is the wrong word, but the omission would still retain the effect and meaning.

Ta.

Hi there. An enjoying piece for me. The opening line I like in particular. It's one of those that needs to be read aloud to fully appreciate the rhythm, the slow drifts. S1 I found slightly more difficult to read than S2. It seems like a different idea on each line and seems more of a list than the ...

Produced shooting stars
are different to natural ones
but they look the same.

Thanks David, you've completely affirmed my thoughts. baggy it is indeed, and for my sins I shall leave that edit for all to see. I think I need a bit more guidance here. To me the original post had enough to see the second stanza through to understanding. Aah... 'twas innocence into jaded. "Bo...

Wonderful in its nostalgic feel, from rhyme to references.
I think he ate my homework too.

Good on the title change. It brings the whole thing to the now, which is I presume what this is. At least the effect of it... Bringing timeless themes incontrovertibly into the present. As others have said already your portrayal of Prudence is great and a lovely prelude to your Sweet Contentment. Fo...

Hi there Mic. A quick thought: The imagery I find to be kind of unruly. L's1+3 of both stanzas are interesting and more on the metaphorical plane. Whereas lines 2 are simile based. Not necessarily a bad thing I know, but within the context of the piece as a whole they seem slightly awkward. Mind you...

Yes, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense I now see. I'll be back with a rewrite. I must admit this just tumbled out. I'm loathe to actually give an explanation, so more detail is needed. Thanks for the input. Ray: I wasn't actually going for the idea of feet of clay, if anything porcelain, withou...

Yes. This is right up my street. Particularly liked the culmination of the final stanza.
"three dowry moths" / "three lovely butterflies. v. nice.

Is this rhyme scheme something I ought to recognise? It's quite beguiling, yet so disciplined.

Another stab (if you will)... ------ My companion who fell out of love, of everything, you slipped about upon white feet pale and ornamental. You ought not to have felt betrayed for there is worse than feeling ; I left you your love ungloved, sure footed, underhanded. --------- (shameful rewrite) To...

The poem was written because I had to do something about the emotional pain. I'm not a poet, not even that keen on poetry - this just wrote itself. I'm sure many of us started out this way. I say keep going with it though. Writing is the most rewarding thing, and it eventually becomes an addiction....