Poetry Forum

I've re-read it a couple more times, and am a little bit uncomfortable with how it ends. I think the final stanza could be made to feel a bit more epic with a more bolstering finish. It kind of hangs in the air at the end and leaves me feeling a little bit unsatisfied which is a shame after such bea...

This is a really great poem. I love all your stuff Aru, but this one has more flesh on it and is even richer. Thank you! I also like the timeless feel that the title gives it, and how it stands in contrast to the contemporary style you write in. It's a good Indian answer to Blake's 'London' which al...

I really like most of your ideas here, especially the first and second lines. Awesome. I disagree with your idea about majority rule though. I think the majority should get to decide most of the time , and that in fact these days minorities hold a lot of power! I agree with Amadeus too - it could de...

Thank you for your brutal honesty. It's very refreshing to not have a sympathetic pussy-footing around the truth! Thanks David, I do agree. This was one of the instances where I couldn't tell if it was a great poem or a totally bad poem, and now I can see it's flaws more clearly.

Cheers,

Harry

I remember last night, Thought’s final flitting flight, A soft wondering of sleep, A preamble to the deep, Waiting to wander into the dark, Pausing on where my mind will park. But what followed then, I will never pen, For one cannot dredge, What is over the hedge, And I ache in this absence, Of what...

I agree with Suzanne, this is a really interesting poem. I've read it a few times now, and will try again tomorrow. The ideas here are pretty complicated. I like the personification of tomorrow, and how the idea of our unreal 'clothes' is carried through the poem. So do these clothes represent our p...

Mmmm, this is an angry poem! It has a skipping rhythm and cheerful rhyme scheme which seems in contradiction to the words though. It is very steady though, which makes it easy to read, so that's good. Perhaps you could change the word 'just' in 'just throw them out the back' to 'and'. Just make more...

Hi Aru, This is great. Such delitcate imagery. I particularly like the image of the fisherman netting your whims, and then how you move on to indulge them in the moonlight. I have to take issue once again with the whole countable uncountable noun thing though. I'm pretty sure that carp is uncountabl...

Nice one. What is the significance of the pentacle? I really enjoy the idea of the poetry as being the death of something ineffable. I have to ask though, do poems really cage in these feelings/ideas, or just point to them and highlight their intangibility?

ah, sorry, it should be 'wildebeest', the plural and singular are the same, just as in zebra.

Really evocative images. I'm wondering who the feminine figure is though? The way I read it, you've used the Kenyan bush as a backdrop to a romance? You've managed to instil a fair bit of pain in the poem, with great subtlety. Really enjoyable. Perhaps the final stanza could do with a touch-up. Wild...

Ah, thank you everyone, SO much great advice. I'm not happy with the poem and until now had no idea how to fix it, but all of your input will give me a start. I'll get going! I'm pretty sure that 'bridgebridgebridge' isn't from Joyce, but if anyone knows how I can check this (without reading Ulysses...

I had never seen a Sunday like it. The shimmering bay in Galway. Cavalier kids breading regal swans, A Polish chef smoking broodily in the door Of a greasy seafront café. The river, hurtling between its banks, Bridgebridgebridge To catch its breath In the shimmering bay in Galway. Such a blue sky ma...

Hi, I agree with Elphin too actually, doubling up the lines gives it a better continuity without losing the rhythm. It just makes it more comfortable to read, which is good, even though it's already very enjoyable already! I really like this poem though. I'm fascinated by climbing and exploring, and...

Lots of classic romantic imagery here, and you've managed to avoid becoming cliched, so well done. My romantic poems are usually drivel! You need to perhaps get a bit of continuty going with the punctuation though, some of the stanzas need full stops. It moves along quite quickly too, which doesn't ...

This poem reminds me of the ideas carried in Ozymandias by Shelley, thought I think he writes about the inevitable disintegration of us all in such a way as to ridicule man's ego, whereas you are pointing to meaning derived from love right? Anyway, I like the rhythm in the poem, though I think the f...

A nice idea here. In South Africa, and elsewhere too, the idea of Ubuntu is widely regarded, which holds elements similar to the one you are dealing with here. The central tenet is something like "I am who I am because of who we all are", but in Zulu society it extends into an understandin...

Occam’s razor, Blade of decisiveness, Shearing away deliberation, Eliminating computation, That cramps my neurones, That melts my choice-making. It doesn’t chisel or etch An answer from the mess. “Go with your heart” it suggests, “that first thought, what was it? That’ll do best. And don’t nurse reg...

The opening quote is really great, because it calls into question the negative associations people have with mental disorders, and then the poem describes one. The drugs make their user happily delirious am I right? That's where the fawns come in? The pills themselves are very unromantic in their 's...

Hi Lu, This is a great sonnet! Writing to a set form is challenging, but you've somehow managed to keep such an even rhythm with iambic pentameter throughout, and it doesn't feel forced at all. The piece has a mystical feel to it, something carried solidly with your lovely imagery. Thank you for thi...

I've had to wait a couple of days for my account to be activated, and have therefore had lots of time to browse through the excellent poetry that people seem to be so full of. Sorry about that - had a beer festival and camping weekend to go to and I forgot to change the activation procedure - a poo...

Hi there, I really like your poem. In particular the last line of the first stanza, "and running feet which stumbled then were stilled" is really evocative of the panic and fear before the bombs do the final damage. The title suggests that you are addressing your mother, and perhaps consol...

Hello everyone, My name is Harry, and I'm from Zimbabwe. I've never let anyone read my ditties, and am looking forward to a bit of exposure as well as learning from the pros. I've had to wait a couple of days for my account to be activated, and have therefore had lots of time to browse through the e...