Poetry Forum

Suzanne and Lovely,

Thanks for your comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Helen

Well, it's an interesting poem, for sure.Is it some kind of metaphor of married life? I jest, honest. I think the first line reads a bit clumsy and maybe should start with "thin silk clinging.."? I don't understand in what sense her invitation is for him alone. I sort of tripped up at &qu...

That's true. I was only thinking about the correct English, not the poem. "A sunglass" is wrong, though, and won't look right to any fluent English speaker. Maybe you could use the suggestion someone made about the single glove. I know it would make it seem more like Michael Jackson, but i...

Hi again, Another slight misuse of English here. We wouldn't say "a puppy searches its master". We'd say it "searches for its master". We do use "search" on its own in a sentence like "I've searched the house for my missing keys" or "I've searched the who...

Hi Aru, Since you said you like to have errors in your English pointed out, there's one here I noticed. "Sunglasses" is one of those words like "trousers" that's always plural, even though it refers to one object. It's because the name originally referred to the glass lenses them...

The waves are plural, certainly - that's why it should be "inform", not "informs". You wouldn't say "they informs", but "they inform". I must say, Aru, I think you do brilliantly to write so well in a language that's not your first language. I notice the occas...

So you mean it as a plural? Then it would be Januaries' - but not January's. If Januarys can also be a plural, and that's how you mean it, it would be Januarys'. Either way, you've said "Januaries' sun" - can several Januaries have one sun? It looks wrong to me. Or if you wanted it to be t...

Hi G, It's late and I haven't got time to comment on this properly now. I've read it a couple of times and it's interesting, but I want to read it again and think about it some more. This is just to say that I'm also sure it should be January's, unless you're talking about more than one January. The...

Hi Ros,

For what it's worth, I didn't really understand David's objection to the baseball cap, as it's the whole reason why "she" was annoyed and waved farewell. If you got rid of it, what could you put in its place? The poem worked for me.

Helen

Thanks for commenting, Suzanne. I appreciate it. You're right about "squatting". It wasn't meant to be pretty. People panning for gold do squat, but I was aware that it sounded as if "she" might have been having a crap - searching herself for something of value while unconsciousl...

Perhaps a brief introduction is appropriate here. This is a companion piece to "Amnesia". It was written soon after it, and explores the same themes of yin and yang, but from a different viewpoint. I've had to put a line where there should be a space, because the software wouldn't let me i...

You're right, Ros - you have no idea what she's waiting for at the end. I think changing the title was the problem. Without "Amnesia" as the title there weren't sufficient clues to what she was searching for, so I've changed it back. Thanks for your input.

That's much better. Good job. You wrote "Helen, Thank you for your kind comment that I have "sufficient delicacy of touch to do it" made me smile. Thanks. I have pruned a bit." Well, having just called you a witch in my comment on Ray's poem, I thought I'd better be careful what ...

In sheepless sight of a green grazed field no hook or crook, just the crow and rook that pick and stab all across the weald. The bad luck birds in murderous herds whose stabbing looks can never be healed. The tattered wings that beat the sky black and the sour the cream of a young child's dream; fl...

Thanks, Ros. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Your comment about the end made me smile. When I was a kid I used to make up fairy stories, but I never could find a happy ending, and I was also disappointed with this one. In fact, I was thinking about calling this "In Search of a Happy Ending" and h...

Hi Suzanne, You must be the Suzanne I've just been reading about in another poem. :) You've described the emotions well in this, without being maudlin, and yet I agree that there's rather too much repetition of the same ideas, which detracts from the poignancy that this poem could and should have. Y...

I really like this, Ray. Your portrayal of this domestic goddess/witch character is really interesting. I don't know who Suzanne is - I hope I'm not being rude about your wife or significant other, or a member of this group. :lol: Still, there are good witches. In fact, both characters caught my att...

Good poem, Ros.

I thought

"dare
to drag around your thighs,

the wind to surge"

linked together quite smoothly - it's only one line from "to drag" to "to surge", but perhaps it would work better as two stanzas.

Helen

Hi "me"! Many thanks for your kind remarks. :) The first line definitely needs to be in the past tense (unless you meant "Is she still a mystery?") The answer to that is: not as much as she was then! You're probably right about the title. I think I'll combine two of the suggestio...

Hi Elph,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. I like your idea for the beginning. I'll think about all your suggestions and play around with it.

Cheers,
Helen

gallops beside her along the beach, wagging tail twice as long as hers. Its tongue dangles from a yawning mouth, trails over pebbles, tasting seaweed and salt. It ripples over the surface of the incoming tide. My dog just dips toes into the foam, but her shadow can walk on water. As we pass trees i...

Stop just listen so I can speak, I can't recall the last time you thought about… What...?! Don't pull that face there, behind my back where my shadow points to 7 Like the hand of a clock tick tock like a tap dripping drip drop Your flushed face cracked, dry skinned once like porcelain a lack of vit...

The Hard Man 1. He tried to cry last night but couldn't break the banks of sand behind his eyes. He attempted a sonnet but the English language hitched up its frock [tab][/tab][tab][/tab]and fled. Harp-strings severed fingertips; a rose between the teeth got stuck. Doves and bluebirds pecked his to...

Hi Ray and David, Thank you both for reading, and for your comments. Ray: It's not the most accessible of poems, I know. I hadn't thought of Rumpelstiltskin. I wasn't alluding to any specific fairy tale, except for one reference. "Put salt on the tails of her dreams" is an obscure referenc...

1 Across Stolen my neighbour’s parking space today By mutual arrangement - I want to be closer To my front door, he wants a better turning circle. Fell over yesterday, hence the swap. Was embarrassed To begin with, but it’s worked out well. 2 Down I feel like I could complete the Observer Crossword...