Poetry Forum

Hi TS,

I have to say the last 2 lines aren't working for me, either. It's fine up to that point.

Helen

Hi Kris, I understood it the way you meant it - about depression, not about being depressed. I've got just one nit: why "lesser than"? Why not "less than"? It sounds wrong to me, grammatically. I'm sure it is in British English - I don't know about American English or other forms...

Yes. That sort of usage "I lay on the beach and eat my ice cream" definitely seems to be becoming more common. You see it all the time on Facebook poetry groups.

I like this a lot, Sharra - it's taking shape well. A point about the grammar - one that confuses a lot of people. "Lay" is correct. As Ros said, only hens can lay (or you can lay a table, or lay something down). You don't "lay down" - you "lie down". That's why "l...

Thanks, emuse, but Navel Gazing was actually Ray's suggestion. Mine was Woolgathering.

It's good to see what everyone looks like. Joni Mitchell, eh? I've never been told that before. On the other hand, my partner used to fancy Joni Mitchell, so maybe there is a similarity.

Thanks for posting the original, Brian. :) You're right, it does look a rather untidy having 2 or more versions at the top. On the other hand, it's harder to compare them when they're further apart. Probably the best way is what some people do - just saying at the bottom what they've changed - if th...

Looking good, Brian. I do wish you'd leave the original there when you edit, though. It's really interesting to see how a poem develops. It helps us to learn, I think, watching a work in progress.

Thanks a lot Brian, for being brutal. It does help. I'm working on some (I hope) improvements, bearing some of your suggestions in mind. Good idea about reading Plath, too. Sharra, many thanks for your feedback, too - you've summed up what seems to be the consensus of opinion quite succinctly. Cheer...

Thanks Lovely and Elphin.

You've both made some good points. I appreciate your input and your time. I'll have a think about what you said.

Cheers,
Helen

It didn't work when I tried to post an image, so here's a link to a recent photo:

http://s945.photobucket.com/albums/ad29 ... acket2.jpg

Just read Aru's comment. That makes sense. The lion being linked to the sun astrologically, the sun being a symbol of the self - I don't know if you know all that, but I now think it's your self pacing in that cage, wanting expression. It was the word "tenderness" that threw me off (if I'm...

Thanks Gaz,

Glad you enjoyed it.

Helen

No, I don't think it does, in view of the difference between syllables and on, as explained in the edit I've just done.

They look like tanka to me. Here's a definition: http://www.chinatownconnection.com/tanka-poems.htm The last line of the 2nd one's a syllable short, though. Edit: But I've just checked my old posts for Aru's tanka, and they are shorter. http://www.poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=103...

I I sense a certain dimension which separates the flat horizon from wheat in the breathless field rattling tirelessly through days. II The gentle breeze brings scents of broken bread and toast a reminiscence of a soft spread childhood dream not ever really lived. III I wonder how much the black dog...

Hi Suzanne,

I like this a lot. It seems to be saying a great deal in a few words. I'm not sure if I've understood it, but I thought it could be a metaphor for a relationship, "Links" meaning the bonds that link you to him, as well as the chains that restrain you.

Helen

Hi Lovely,

I also love the title, and "Isis light" is fantastic.

I agree that some of the language is rather generalised, but it does have a spiritual Rumi-esque feel to it. There's much that's good, but I think it might benefit from being pared down a little.

Helen x

Black & white day under an archaic umbrella. Grayish demon flexes its muscles over skyscrapers . A rickshaw-puller’s raincoat is glued to the skin. An abandoned leaf journeys on flood waters. The Magpie Robin, merrily drenched, calls somebody. Drops narrate anecdotes on a bus window. Some great...

I wondered why you said "Scotch" - it did seem odd, but you need a bit more than that if you want to make it clear it's an American speaking. What about replacing all the earlier "Scots" with "Scotch", and calling it Scotland at the end (maybe where your "folks&quo...

Thanks, Ray! :) Interesting reactions. I was rather expecting the men here to think it was far too emotional. No, it's not about childbirth - more to do with the "inner child". The line was actually "lives lost at sea", not wives. I don't know if you misread it, or if that was a ...

Ray - you understood "Coro"!

Coming from the man who wrote "don't follow this poem very well - I think that shall be etched on my tomb" I'm impressed!

Thanks Camus. I'll think about those lines. I think it might need "blank canvas", given the subject matter, although the meaning I'm talking about isn't obvious, and I don't even know if that matters. Perhaps I should re-think "some master stroke", at least. Btw, in case anyone t...

Hi Camus,

I didn't get Coro either. I've only heard Corrie.

I like the gloomy, apprehensive atmosphere of this. I think it works well.

I also thought "bumped" might be better than "banged".

Helen

I am calm, straightened out as a clean sheet spread to the four corners, a blank canvas, awaiting some master stroke. Nothing moves, no breath stirs. My lungs deflate slowly, like two limp sails. I am becalmed. At the world's rim, a brooding sky bears down, a massive grey wall like a dam about to bu...