Poetry Forum

This is one I meant to comment on when you posted it, but never got round to, and forgot I hadn't. Now you've revised it I think any criticisms I would have made are redundant. I like it very much.

Helen

Fascinating stuff, Ros. I read this earlier, but like Oskar I was too interested in the history to try to analyse it as a poem. A thoroughly enjoyable read.

Cheers,
Helen

Once she leaves the city, she finds herself in an alien universe, hidden from the rest of civilisation. The atmosphere is imprinted by the memory of a thousand creatures and their ancestors. A lack of glass or metal or plastic encourages her to take off her shoes, so her toes can squirm in the soil...

This is great, Aru. Fantastic title, but I couldn't quite see the connection either. Snow and winter is obvious, lemon for the yellow sunlight of dawn, I thought?? But ebony I didn't get at all. By the way, do you ever post in the experienced poets section?

Helen

I could see what you were trying to do with the bouncing stone, and I liked the idea, but I'm wondering if it would look better hyphenated: "bounce-bounce-bounce" or even "bounce-skip-bounce" - too much bouncing might seem a bit too springy for the sort of motion you're describin...

I agree with what David said, pretty much. I love S1, especially the idea of days stretching like worms, and the last couplet amused me. I also stumbled over "span", though my first thought was that it needed a comma after it. Call me old-fashioned if you will, but I don't get this aversio...

@ Ros: Thanks.

@ Ray: Are you saying you didn't understand it?

Can anyone tell me what it means when the lines in the circle by a poem are moving upwards? I haven't been able to work it out, and now this one's doing it.

That's probably not the word I used at the time.

Too deep and impenetrable, probably.

You surf the crowds on the prom, raiding conversations floating overhead, pocketing odd phrases. I watch you walk to the edge of the sea where the tide has drained away, and the shingle stretches its fingers towards the horizon. You wrap my words around stones, send them skimming towards the skylin...

I once wrote a line that was word for word exactly the same as an Ian Dury Lyric: "Shall I mourn your decline with some Thunderbird wine" That is so weird! My jaw just dropped open in amazement as I read that. Two or three hours ago, I suddenly sang the lines: "Shall I mourn your dec...

Haha! Not quite. Just to remind you: Helen Bywater wrote:There's an obscure reference to another character, but it isn't me, and it isn't my father. IT is Miss Havisham, but I'm not. She's the rare port in my father's cellar (as opposed to any port in a storm/a sailor has a wife in every port). She ...

Very amusing, Elph. I love the daft humour.

Ray wrote "Maybe the title should be navel gazing or something like that". What about Woolgathering?

Hi Haleine,

I also like this a lot - perfect title, great first stanza. I didn't get "excision" either - I almost wondered if it was a typo for "excursion", which would work.

Helen

Still stumped, are you, or have you given up? Okay, I'll give the obvious clue. David got the closest, but didn't quite spot it. An obscure/obscured reference could also be called a veiled reference.

I like this a lot, Ray.

I love "jungle of jagged elbows" and the lines

men and women brimming
with a splash of malicious intent.

My pleasure. :) No, they're not the same thing, although the terms are sometimes confused. For instance "herd" as in "a herd of sheep" is a collective noun, and that can be pluralised, as in "many herds of sheep". Here's what Wikipedia says about it: http://en.wikipedia...

I love this Aru, from the first image to the last. I'll just mention a small point of English, as you're still learning it. it's not in your poem, but your last comment. We don't use "much" quite how you used it. We use it with mass nouns (nouns that aren't pluralised) eg. much rain, much ...

No, I'd forgotten about Molly and Orlick, in fact. As I said, a sketchy recollection should be enough. It's not my mother, either. It's a well known purely fictional character. I could give a more obvious clue, but you'll get it immediately if I do. I'll just reiterate that it is an obscured referen...

I'm not sure if it makes a difference, but I didn't suggest "sunk" which suggests sunken eyes to me. My suggestion was "sink into" which I thought conveyed the sense of his loss sinking in. I just think that "jumped into the pools of his eyes" has an unintentionally com...

Hi Mark, and welcome!

I haven't been here long myself, but I've found them to be a friendly bunch of people. I hope you'll enjoy being here.

Helen

:lol: No, Oskar - to the best of my knowledge, my mother has never even met Ronnie Biggs. I'm not Estella, either, though mentioning Pip being an orphan had some relevance, as another meaning of "in loco parentis" was a reversal of the changeling idea. There's an obscure reference to anoth...

Not Pip - another character.

Thanks, all of you, for your comments. David, you can have the points anyway - I'll take your word for it that you spotted that meaning before I explained it. In fact, there are more spotter's points to be earned, in relation to that phrase, and also to do with the title. The poem I want to write......