Poetry Forum

Hi Ben.

An amusing idea. I love the shape of it. It made me smile when I realised what it was.

Thanks for an enjoyable read.
Helen

Hi John, Thanks. I've had trouble deciding about the glass, which is why it's one way round in the poem and the other way round in the title. Losing the last line.. hmm.. not sure. I agreed with those who said those two lines were the strongest, but ending there does mean ending on a rather negative...

Cheers, Peter.

@ Penguin: Why young dreams, not old? It could be old dreams. The point is that though we age, our dreams do not. (Well, some don't. Most people grow out of wanting to be a train driver!)

Helen

Many thanks, Brian and Peter. I like your ideas, Brian. Thanks for taking the time to come up with some suggestions. Metronome.. effective, but perhaps too regular. Life is more random. I suspect the torturer is, too - predictability might not work so well. I agree, Peter. The first three lines are ...

Thanks, Shirls, David and Penguin. I shall think about what you've said. :) I always seem to baffle you, David. I think that may have been why I picked my signature "perplexing poster". But you're not alone in your bafflement. :lol: I hadn't noticed the similarity to Dylan Thomas - this is...

Young dreams turn in their graves; new dreams are seeded, and miscarry. There are little joys, small beacons, high notes of laughter that breeze through dusty rooms. But sneaking from the corners comes the dread of eyes grown dull, fixed on lacklustre lives. Cradle the half full glass to warm the co...

I think you've been practising while I've been away! And you were good before.

Excellent title. I can't really fault this. If there's anything at all, it's one nit-picky point: "the jigsaw of her face". I'm not sure if it rings true for me - a bit contrived, maybe?

Cheers,
Helen

Hi Vincent, I think the first two are excellent. (Father) is like a little scene in a film. But do you need a comma after "greasy spoon"? It reads as if it was the spoon that was brought back, but I think you mean your father. The last two lines are a little awkward, as you've also observe...

Hello Dedalus, I read the earlier version of this late last night, too late to collect my thoughts and comment. My initial reaction was just "Wow!" I wasn't sure then if I agreed with the comment David made on that version, about the snatches of very English dialogue. They fleshed out a pi...

Hi Brian, I like this. It's strong and succinct. About a relationship in crisis, I'd guess - an intense relationship. They're pulled in two directions - the desire for freedom (faking death, releasing the mustangs) versus the desire to understand (find the light switch), but fear of seeing, escaping...

Hello Nash,

It's nice to meet you. I look forward to reading your work.

Hello again, Suzanne.

Thanks, both, for the welcome.

All the best,
Helen

Yes, I agree, Suzanne. There are some things I just can't make my mind up about. I agree with Michaela about those words. I don't think you need to lose them - I think it's better with them in. They just looked a bit odd on their own. That line didn't seem to carry sufficient weight to stand by itse...

Sunset She thinks she'd like to be trapped in his prism, in red licked translucence of a fire storm sky or drifting, like algae, float his be-loved river, occasionally bumping the edges of life. Perhaps, there'd be orange- rind peelings of sunshine, exposed freckled faces, beams kissed with a yello...

Hello again! I've been away for so long that I thought I'd better reintroduce myself. Hope you're all doing well, and enjoying your writing. Last time I was here I was trying to rework some old stuff as a way back into writing. I got some very helpful feedback, and tried to rewrite some of my poems,...

Hi. I completely agree with Brian's comments. I can't think of a single thing to add, but thought I'd say that anyway. Interesting poem.

Wow! Not bad in three and a half years. Congratulations, David!

I prefer the first title too. I know I suggested an alternative, but Corrosion's fine. You do get what it's about as you read it.

Hello Helen,

I hope you'll enjoy being here and get a lot out of it.

Helen

This is lovely, Suzanne - very poignant.

S2 is just beautiful.

Helen

Hi Ros, Great stuff. I read this a few days ago, but didn't have time to comment. I've been thinking about the title. As Dave said, it sounds as if it could just be about a chemical reaction. What about using the word "chemistry"? Maybe "The Corrosion of Chemistry" or something l...

( Two Sevenlings) She’d sky-dive with succulent drops, frolic upon leaves of a rare foliage and plop into a puddle. She yearns to flirt with a young Nimbus, get drifted by a stubborn wind to unoccupied isles. She’d compose a symphony for the dripping moments. ****************************** When the...

No Ben, you don't bake a trifle. The sponge layer at the bottom is baked, but not the thing as a whole. That wouldn't work.

Helen

Hello Ash,

Don't worry. We've all got to start somewhere. I'm very much a learner myself. They're a friendly, welcoming lot here, and very helpful. I hope you enjoy being here.

Helen

Actually, it seems a lot clearer today. I was really knackered yesterday, from a lack of sleep, which didn't help. The thing I'm not sure about now is why she's vengeful. I think that's what confused me. I can think of reasons why a psychiatric patient might feel like that towards a nurse, but I'd l...

I'm Oxfam clothed and head full of henna, he's Age Concern, dressed for less than a tenner. Does this make us rivals or more compatible? All things are possible now I'm out of hospital, picking his path oblivious to obstacles; I catch him in an unguarded interval, he's too hospitable to swim from m...