Poetry Forum

Ray Thanks for your critique. I will keep your suggestions in mind and revise accordingly. This being here and now feeling can actually lead to a few moments of madness, as if you're trying to answer the question - is that me in the mirror? Quite haunting if you really think about it. Thanks again. ...

rev. so where are those places we can meet and say yes we are in the same place yes we are where hands are feet lips fingers poetry my deep hidden or not place of refuge from the world the lyrical outbursts the stories the images even though it feels like a different world a cloud floating above or ...

Mr Black I agree - I don't need that line. Thanks for reading and fyour encouraging words. And sorry for the late reply. I'm very pleased you enjoyed. I hope I haven't lost any of the directness in the revision. Sandbanx Thanks for commenting. I'm referring to memories of the moon and not to night. ...

Thanks again, everyone, for your help on this.

Best regards,
Maria

I love the idea of 'counting grass'. It conjures up the image of both sheer cheerfulness, and at the same time of the passing of time. I also question the use of 'synesthesic'. I prefer the simplicity of 'on her landscape'. But that's me. Maybe you could ditch 'infinitely' too and move daffodils up ...

Hello what I enjoyed about this piece of writing - (the poet, in the end, did write) - is the voice, the tone and slow rhythm of the words. I'm unsure about this part .... and I sat and I watched that special, gentle, early light and thought, Why write? How about pruning this down to sat in that spe...

rev. 1 At 11.15 everyone openly expresses the desire to trust the other. There's no wind. A leaf blows into mind gardens of eden. Don't trip on its veins. They're a prayer: starry moon spits, held back, lost or found, sugary breath song invention, you choose. --- At 11.15 everyone openly expresses t...

David I've always enjoyed your comments. I appreciate the way you read into a poem. Thank you so much. I'm going away for a holiday, but will be back. Enjoy your summer. Arian Your critiques are very helpful. I'm grateful. I'll still be working on this and will have to ponder on a more appropriate e...

Thanks again for comments and suggestions. I've posted a revision.

Cheers
Maria

arunansu I think you approached the poem with a very open mind. I've been working on it for quite a few months, so it's really good to know you liked. Thanks so much. Hi, Lovely That's a cool comment, and 'smoke on the water', indeed. Thanks, muchly. Danté Thanks for taking the time and letting me k...

Danté How about I will gather each piece, align the pins with their slots then blow off the dust in the hope that the key is not lost. instead of ... Let me gather each piece, align the pins with their slots then I’ll blow off the dust in the hope that the key is not lost. I'm still thinking the clo...

Hello, arunansu It's nice to meet you. I noticed you have posted sequels to this poem, so I thought I'd start off with the Poet - 1 first. I like it, but am left wondering if the Poet mentioned in the last strophe refers to a particular person, or to a Poet in a general sense. The second strophe is ...

I nod, say buongiorno , (you and I, stranger, are dangling on a cliff of self-awakenings). We are heroes, brave, non-conventional, you know, life isn't really heroic, it's quite tragic, (tell you the truth), but yes, today the sun shines. I went to the Vatican with my mother many years ago, couldn't...

rev. 2 I nod, say buongiorno , (you and I, stranger, are dangling on a cliff of self-awakenings). We are heroes, brave, non-conventional, you know, life isn't really heroic, it's quite tragic, (tell you the truth), but yes, today the sun shines. I went to the Vatican with my mother many years ago, c...

Hi, David Thanks for letting me know what works and doesn't for you. It's really nice to read a comment from you. What I want to convey is a sort of communion with the sky, not just the act of lovemaking, a sort of flying above the ground and embracing the sky. The poem is supposed to be more about ...

Hello, Danté I read this poem yesterday and today on a second read I feel differently about it. I'm not quite sure what you're going for but I can say I definitely do like it. Let's see ... I'm assuming that the title should be read in connection to the first line ... and if you fall apart. The word...

Thanks a lot, Danté. Hi, Jjaz. I am gateful for your reply. It's one of those lines that pops into your head and then sort of never leaves it. I mean, it was inspired by a feeling of the moment. I'm really glad you liked it. Sophie, it's nice to meet you. Thanks for having a look. It's been awhile I...

Hello, Danté Thanks for reading and for your critique. I do appreciate a lot. I'd like to address a few of your points, although by no means am I aiming at defending the poem in any way. I actually agree with your comment. Allow me to tell you a bit about the genesis of this poem. I was reading some...

Hi, Neil Nice to meet you. I've read your poem a couple of times and have thoroughly enjoyed it. I have to agree with a few previous comments that L2 could be easily left out. I don't think it adds much to the overall feeling of the poem, which is quite striking for me. The 'of course' in the last s...

Hello Raincoat It's nice to meet you and it's good to read your poem. About your inspiration, I just couldn't believe that such things are still happening. This worries me actually because maybe I don't want to believe it or have grown away from understanding any kind of lifestyle which is different...

rev. 1 If I could go back I'd let it write me. You are my pharaoh serenading rock songs under blue moons. We make love, you on top, my legs spread open in the night sky, the moon's skin our pillow. We decide to lie on grass away from light or darkness. You offer me another rock song. I wipe the swea...

Ray Well it's hard to know if a person is mean just by reading poetry and critiques on a board and I don't see why you should be feeling mean. Actually, that's an interesting question. Rationally, I would say no. But when I wrote this I was thinking of those melancholy bluesy songs that can sort of ...

Bernard

Thanks for readig and letting me know you liked.


Best regards
Maria

elphin Nice to meet you. Thanks a lot for commenting and for your suggestions. I'll take a look at the line breaks and edit as per your suggestions. I agree that the fourth part is a bit weak. As Ray pointed out, what I want to say isn't clear at all. I've been trying to change parts of it but nothi...

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