Poetry Forum

enjoyed - the fresh concept & the picture - almost like a still life painting. but i think you can edit this further & tighten it to advantage 'hoovering fruit flies' sounds odd - did you mean hovering? i'm sorry for rewriting - it is the easy & lazy way out - but take what you will or d...

too bad england didn't win! was really rooting for them! when it was 2-1 & the refree didn't give that second goal - i was quite aghast! what's technology there for? in cricket whenever there's a close call - they refer to technology - another umpire monitors the screen & the whole thing is ...

thanks for the suggestion ray

there's a very famous demon in indian mythology called Ravan with 10 heads! imagine the goals he could save! multiple arms like the gods & 10 heads like the demon - i'm wondering how to incorporate that!

all odd i thought was both singular & plural! thanks for all the suggestions brian - have revised. well england won the match - congrats all! so perhaps your wish is answered! poor italy!

thanks paisely!

really liked the lines: if the galaxy opened a wave in the night's lung & we would think of nothing except time not existing in the cursive call of violins i am curious to know who the 'you' is: when you touch me my eyes pound with night like a bruise your voice shifts with an oiled flame my hea...

that's too much lovin! i object!

mic - please don't misunderstand but this is very banal & clumsy writing no tit-for-tat - least interested in that sort of a thing. but as you said: If anyone thinks anything I write is shit, I want to hear it. I post complete drivel sometimes, and sometimes I post something that is mostly drive...

dear paisley enjoyed your poem - quaint, charming & whimsical! current conditions is a good title! some suggestions - take what you will or disregard: Talk to someone else about the weather: how the grass has grown in the orchard how the cherry blossoms have fallen early this year. I don't want ...

thanks elphin - 'with every passing breath blows on my hair' i thought was quite fresh! for a subject like this - it's the treatment that matters. i love drama - for me if a poem is not dramatic it tends to be boring - but that's me! you're right about the pratice part! but thanks for all the valuab...

dear mic

i'm not looking for compliments neither for love-in's

i understand perfectly what a critique of a poem is all about.

boy! am i glad you didn't get there first mic! there's a difference between criticism & trashing - try & get that right. a peculiar trend i've noticed - only in this forum: no sooner do i post - the poem is trashed by you or one other - some others dither as danger lurks in these waters - at...

thanks clara! i'm glad you got there first!

a pleasant change for me!

thanks for the suggestions.

I The day flags and flays, hangs...listlessly in the air. Smoke swirls and eddies, stays…right there. Death lingers on... with every passing breath, blows on my hair. How shall I begin to spell out my days and having begun, ...end them? Greet the moon at eventide, creep quietly into the night, welco...

gives the feel of vast spaces - i feel the core of the poem is here - hope it helps as well: I am a northern moor lying still under the shadows touching the contours of muted pinks and greens, Today when she spoke to you: a songbird voice of grey restraint she didn't realize she sent you back- you d...

thanks all for reading & the comments. clara - great editing & puctuation suggestions - thanks! thanks brian - cannon it is! odd or odds - i thought could be either reference to indian god - multiple arms - just to signify that only four hands against so many feet have to work magic how many...

The moon kicked around on earth, either side, guardians guard the temple post, against all odds, with multiple arms like an Indian God, against the onslaught of so many feet. Shot like a cannon, the moon enters the hallowed space, guards fall, the temple explodes to the agony & ecstasy, the dron...

very cliche-ridden i'm afraid:

the petticoat frills
the can can
bows...

however, it's not in me, to outline the negative without giving a positive feedback:

i still enjoyed the overall picture this paints!

a delightful read through & through!

i feel - not a word out of place - very adept very fine!

enjoyed immensly!

enjoyed the picture this paints calico!

none - arian - i only bet to win!

but i did think: bet nobody would notice that!

so i guess i lost!

my dear brian - by larger picture i did not mean - fate destiny along with astrology, spirituality and religion i meant - goal - the various goals in life we pursue & as in the game of football - the importance of feet - that take us in & out of the doors of opportunity - if pointed in the r...

wow! thanks for enlightning - it seems writing & betting go hand in hand! & guess what i found out - that america defeated england in the fifa world cup in brazil way back in 1950! wonder when they'll start playing cricket? i believe they're getting a team together - they'll beat everyone el...

the stars in your favor - as in luck, good fortune, fate, destiny...

but i see it can work both ways - yea why not the stars as players...?

was also looking at the larger picture.

which part?

thanks david! ray - i only know that unless that ball is kicked inside the net it is not a goal - & to get it inside the angle must be right - no matter where you're standing - & the stars of course must be in your favor - otherwise no matter how hard you try or how much you sweat - it might...