Poetry Forum

I really missed reading your poetry. I really love this one, the imagery was incredible. I adore the use of colors, so much so that when reading it again, I saw colors where you didn't mention any, the dark cracks, yellow daffodils, the taupe color that the Roman Forum brings to mind for me. No nits...

Hello everyone, I'm back after a little hiatus. I didn't have internet access for awhile, then I was working hard on a website...but I figured in honor of National Poetry Month I'd grace you with my presence again! Haha! I see I have a lot of catching up to do!

Thanks, Tamara!

look back into the mist and see moments when your foot slipped I agree with Brian, I was going to say you didn't really need the part about the past. This part didn't really deliver for me 'Balanced on the edge of things,/you can only choose which way/to fall.' The rest of the language is really be...

I've read this several times and don't have much more to add that hasn't been said before. I have to agree with the consensus in the 'I/me' debate, that's the place that tripped me up. I was also wondering if you should break that sentence up some, it seems to be terribly long. 'Not barefoot, fleet ...

Oh, wow, that sounds...uh, calorific! Don't worry about losing, I figured it was just a typo.

It's been haikued, thanks to everyone for your help!

Very cute, Pauline! One little nit- 'loosing' in S11 should be 'losing'. I don't know what scotch eggs are, but they sound delicious.

upon their chests fine golden pendants in the shape of bunches of their trees fruit hanging like golden chains and plums The first two lines were beautiful and drew me in, but this line makes it seem a bit prosy.'Of bunches of their trees fruit' doesn't sit well grammatically, I'd change it...proba...

Okay, an apple is made up of atoms, as are you and I an the sun, the keys I'm tapping, etc. The difference is the elements that make up the object. Are you saying that the sun is made up of something other than what scientists have previously observed? The sun, if I have been taught correctly, is ma...

I guess I'll have to take your word for it since I don't intend on getting close enough to find out for myself!

It's very pretty, as well as very confusing. Isn't the sun like 6000 degrees?
The only thing I can really add is that the sentence structure seems mixed up (yoda-speak). Was this intentional?

First off, I just want to say that I enjoy the crits, so I like that you don't hesitate to post what you think! This is one that was previously workshopped somewhere else, here's the original. I heard of an anti-war nun, that took her blood in containers and poured it over missile’s head, then praye...

(Revision) Three anti-war nuns of Dominican order crept through the still night, cut holes in a fence on government property to deface missiles. Their blood in bottles, they scrawled scarlet crosses on nuclear warheads, hammered crucifix into the deployment tracks. Now nukes will not move. Protestin...

Ray, you've done a wonderful job with this! I thought I'd let you know where the rhythm seemed off to me. I read it a few times out loud, and the line 'I'm so glad to glimpse life under occupation.' doesn't seem to flow in the same way as the rest of the lines. There were other parts the first coupl...

Peter- Thanks so much for the thoughtful critisism! I agree about 'whiz'. I think I've found another word that expresses the movement much better, thanks to you and Ray for bringing that to my attention! I've also changed the line about nakedness, hopefully this way it'll read better. Thanks again! -M

A smidge young, but I know the song! How could you tell I was young?!

I thought this piece was beautiful, thanks for letting me in on your encounter! I think you need a second comma after 'no' in the first line, and the parts where she speaks could use quotes, but those are just nit-picks. I also agree that a little weeding couldn't hurt, but a very nice first draft, ...

Thanks Brian and Peter. I cut out the middle lines but left recession in to mirror abundance. I thought of cutting both abundance and recession as well. I also changed the title to just Wall Street as suggested. Thanks to everyone for the help!

Thanks so much, Arunansu and Ray.

I'll see what I can do to reword both of those lines!

Some of them human
and zombie mutants are
slurping tasty brains.


(Happy halloween, Marc! mmm brains)

Thanks Lake & Ray. First...yes, this was a real dream I had, what I can remember of it. A septenary is a verse with seven syllables, if I remember correctly. Ray- did you mean you were put off by the naked line? I guess I can explain the making love chastely line more, I meant that the making lo...

No! I like S2! Erm, couldn't you just change the 'Lord of my Flies' line? Or just S3, perhaps? I think it works well either way. And I understand the need to insult him, but since it's being told from his perspective, that doesn't make sense. :D PS. Marc, I think I broke the haiku train with my nan...

"I want my feet back!"
I screamed at the boat's captain,
who used toes for bait.

A tower stands before me foreboding, height unrivaled, each unlocked door I pass through rendered a different color: ruby-red hall with white couch reclining friend beckoning. Next reaching bright blue chamber still; empty; stark; unadorned. I dart through rooms of purple, orange, yellow, pink, and ...