Poetry Forum

Hi Lovely. thank you for your comments. You will be relieved to know that I have not exploded. Not sure what you mean by it not being different, different to what? Is it hard to 'tell deep'? Is my poem deep? No. Not everything is, not everything has to be to be 'good'. I will try to follow your advi...

HI Ray,
thank you for your encouraging comments, means a lot. I'm learning and hope that I'm getting better. Still a ways to go!

Cheers,
Kimibob

Hi David, thanks for pounding me on the head about my slack use of grammar. I am a lazy sod at times and didn't really look at this piece too closely. I am still fairly new to the poetry thing, but thanks to you and others I hope I am improving. I certainly am learning a lot! The gargoyle reference ...

Hi, what a powerful and emotionally charged piece. I guess we can all relate. I was just wondering if you could lose 'needlessly' in S1? The second stanza seems to dilute the first to me as It says the same thing as in the previous verse. I found the imagery in S1 really good. If it went from S1 to ...

Hi,
thank you for your comments, glad you liked the piece. Always enjoy hearing your thoughts and reading your poems!
Kimi

Yearning For some the scent of chemicals release the feral germ and send it snarling forward, fearless and untamed. For others, a gentle wisp of hope brushes against a forlorn cheek and brings a blush of well-sealed fate. For a few the seed will never grow, a parched and barren field of want, a garg...

HI Tool lots to get off your chest in this one it seems to me. Maybe this forum isn't the place to post such personal stuff as I suspect you are not after a critique here, I could be wrong. There are some good bits in the piece. I agree that Shakespeare is the strongest fire. Take care of yourself a...

Hi David, thanks for getting back. I have much to learn! I would never 'claim immunity' on writing badly as I have done here. Thank you for putting me straight. Will think of a way to keep the feel of the piece without using 'tempt' and 'want'. To be honest, I thought it was a 'fun' piece not to be ...

Hi Lake and David, The original version is the first one, but I had no intention of posting it, but did. The second was the edit I intended to post! I have no idea if you can use 'desperate' after a preposition, but I have, as I liked the way it sounded and conveyed the character of the piece. Hey, ...

Hi,
you know what? I posted the wrong edit and didn't realise! The way you have arranged the poem is far more like the way I have done it. Many thanks for making me see the error of my ways. Shall post the proper version a.s.a.p!
Kimibob

HI, oh, this is lovely. Nice imagery and metaphor: With ether, I try to create a solid path for us, and you silently nod, believing I understand what is in your heart; this is very touching, you have captured longing very well indeed. I relate to your words. Thank you for a very beautiful poem, Kimi...

Snake Spite She saw with narrow eyes the tempt upon her lips, camouflaged with red slick glistening snail trail of concupiscence, streaked carelessly across. That telltale smudge leered hideous and raw, brought out the reptile tongue, envious and sharp as glass, it lashed out quick and licked. The t...

HI,
great piece, good use of metaphor. Sad? Well yes, but not depressing, more real and deep.
Kimi

Hi Arun,
like this a lot, great imagery, 'throat-slit volcano', nice and precise, short and sweet. Great stuff!
Kimi

Hi Stephen,
thank you for your comments, glad you liked the piece.
Kimi

HI Arun, nice poem, not sure I'll try the recipe though! I liked, It’s the time when a leisurely bus would roll over dew-softened asphalt, and guide me Not sure if you may have over done the description of the foggy morning? It just feels too much when the rest of the piece is so succinct, maybe. St...

HI Stephen, some good imagery in this piece, I liked the first two lines the best as they have a good rhythm to them. I found the rhyming in the second stanza a little odd,it seems to end too abruptly, maybe? But, if focused on a mornings rise, though blurry-eyed and half asleep, revealed is a chanc...

HI Arun, lovely piece, simple and direct. Loved the first and last stanzas, they evoke a vivid mental image, especially the ikebana display with a hummingbird attached, wonderful! The only thing I'm not sure about is, 'it whizzes, tastes the rinds of poem books, neatly arranged in rows' this jumps a...

Hi, liked this a lot. It has a good narrative quality that tells a story. Loved the use of a book and it's inner thoughts, could almost be any of us wanting more and waiting for that special someone to break us free? Just one small thing, I think you have missed a word out,'Just a man comes into the...

HI,
yes lovely piece, very evocative and clean. If it is a Haiku, 5-7-5, (5 syllables in the firs and last line and 7 in the middle line, to answer Pauline's question), then there is a syllable missing in the middle line. Notwithstanding, this is a very good poem, thank you for it.
Kimi

Hi Tool,
thank you for your comments, glad you got something from the piece. I will endeavour to produce work that continues to get better. I hope!
thanks again,
Kimi

HI,
this is great. Concise and to the point. Well done!
Kimi

HI,
this is a really nice piece. You have captured the feel of a train journey very well. I liked the descriptions very much .'Tussled hair conceals
my skewed make up tracks,
cheeks turned window-ward,
I sigh into to his hand'
Thanks for this poem,
Kimi

HI, quite a poem,there are some wonderful images here and I like the use of repetition of the last line. I agree with Ray that you could perhaps condense it a bit. I feel that the last two stanzas could be a poem in their own right as they sway a little away from the main theme. Last stanza was a go...

Hi Arun,
nice piece of work! Quietly effective. Like the the use of blood and red. I don't see the need to expand the verses.
Where I come from there is a saying, that the redder the breast of a robin, the colder the winter. So I associate the bird with cold.
Kimi