Poetry Forum

And Voldemort....ooppps, did I just name him? Unless I'm missing a common reference, the no naming is a bit vague. However, I do like the mystery of it, although it might distract. The 'fire' also does infer/imply...can't be bothered looking up which it is..a concrete historical event. 'Season' woul...

Hello there,
I read that as 'minibar' at first....cocktails and a prayer....Yes, an elegant read, though the significance of it all is lost on me. A poignant sadness comes through and the descriptions are on point- the umbrella , as Mac noted, a deft touch.
Regards

Well, I did suggest 'unconverted' as an alternative to 'heretics'.

Forgot to mention the switch this/his was a good edit.
Regards

Back again David,
I enjoyed the overall sentiment and cleverness of this but have a couple of questions.
What fire?
What names we must not name?
Regards

If you think I'm going to look up those words you are away in the head you lazy Manx git!!!

Hello there
I'm still getting to grips with the format and meaning- especially the middle section but what popped out immediately was 'period'- would 'spell' or 'long spell' not be a better fit?
I'll return.
Regards

Hello there My doubts about heretic were based on your reference to beyond the pale. The saying does not refer to religious difference more beyond the cultural/administrative control of the powers that be... I understood your intention and at a push might fit but heretic/pale is not an exact match. ...

Hello there A lot to like here. S1. Heretic isn't quite correct: non-believer/uncoverted - blends nicely with the ball strike for six. S2. ..left arm over...hmmm. Thwok in italics with or without exclamation. Would prefer a metafor to ..tight stitched ball... S2. Just beyond the pale would suffice w...

Hello there Thanks. You are right that 'now' adds some sort of modal quality to N's observation. I've been playing around with putting it at the start of the line. I did want a reprehensive tone- something like an exhausted parental resignation. Disdain, ill leave up to the reader to feel or not. Re...

Hello there
Blisters and buildings isn't an alliance that works for me. Originally, I felt the core of this was about the unacknowledged dangers that lurk beyond innocence. But now I'm not so sure, so perhaps you need to establish a clear focus.
Regards

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
I'llbe taking your comments into consideration in the revision.
Apologies for lateness.
Regards

Hello Not Prefer the original I'm afraid. I never had a problem with the narrative. The cat and its demise became clear on a second reading. Not to say there isn't an odd syntax going on but that strangeness was part of the enjoyment. For that reason 'fur' is unnecessary. The dots IMO can be joined ...

Hello there,
Should that be 'rubble'?
Agree with Not's desire for something before beneath....adds tension.
Also block alone might benefit from expanding: block of flats/council block/ high-rise etc
And you might look at changing the passive voice..cleared and checked.
Regards

Hello there, I'm writing on the phone, so forgive the brevity. My enjoyment is partly due to the recognition of its inspiring impulse. Some suggestions. ...in the/a chasm of machine light... ..held...is weak. You could drop it if cocoon can act as the main verb for both or look for a more dynamic al...

Excellent NQS For such a compressed piece, lots of little highlights- enjambment on unsteady being the best. My only nit is the Sonics of leathers and apologies, but doesn't really detract from the overall enjoyment. Might use David's comma to create a justified pause which adds a little bit of need...

Thanks Geoff,
While at risk of piquing Poet's ire, I think that is a magnificant suggestion!!
I'll reformat and post a revision with the changes.
Regards

Thanks for coming back to this Geoff. 'Til' may be the answer though it might cause a run-on of too many 'i' sounds. I'll sit on it and consider a change in format also. Poet, thanks for commenting. How would you suggest padding out the existing poem? Jules, thanks again for really engaging with thi...

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment TLF 'Clears' might be better although for me there is a temporary feeling with that as opposed to 'cleans' which somehow- might just be me- the latter infers a more thorough evacuation. I'll have to reread it a few times adjusted to see if it works bett...

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment Perry. Judging by your comments you do seem to have- albeit unconsciously- understood exactly what I was aiming for.
Regards

THis is a re-post of an older poem. Originally I'd planned a series but got stuck. Recently this format occured to me, which I thought funnier while offering it's own form of commentary. (There is a good joke similar to this as well) Masochist's note to self Nice and tight like skin nipped between u...

Thank you David I'm addressing that syllable in the re-write. Glad you had a positive response. Thanks for coming back Jules. As regards the Noon/Moon: I'm not sure I can extend it any further without some intrusive editorializing. I do get what you mean by that 'deadening timelessness'. Perhaps the...

Thank you for really getting your teeth into this. Apologies for the late response. An interesting, and if my interp is right, daring piece. The first stanza is superb, wouldn't change anything. I was leaning towards not changing anything so, a vote of approval is good. The tone seems world weary an...

Hello Joao
That's quite the squid tale- definitely a poem in that too.
I've tentatively begun extending the previous life section. In fact I already had it but wasn't sufficiently happy with it. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Very informative and helpful.
Regards

Hello RC, they are coming thick and fast. Her eyes flash revolution at the first shot fired, the march home free. A strong start weakened by that last line that allows ambiguity in. She looks for possibilities outside the standard lines, in variations of the absurd. While the idea here is good, the ...