Poetry Forum

Yes, I think I would plump for disgracefully too. The staid alternative sounds quite tedious; give me imropriety any day. lol

. To Lovely and David, thank you very much for the kind comments. Bodkin, thank you for sharing your thoughts. The ‘ing’ sound and its repetition was a tactic employed to make the reader (you in this particular case) feel sad and somewhat sorry for the protagonist. ‘ing; ang; ong’ tones are often d...

Well, I want to keep "fit her" to go with bitter and flutter but also, inexplicably, I don't like the word "fitted"!

Well that's good enough reason for me It's mostly just personal preference at the end of the day and it's a very good poem either way.

Yes, I reckon that would fix it but to be honest I still prefer 'fitted' and it allows the retention of the word 'once' which I think is important. If your determined to keep the word 'her' you could always substitute it for 'the' in the following line. 'clothes which once fitted shrug from her shou...

I think it's an absolute gem. Original and funny and sad.

. He is hollow and threadbare; his hair, now receding, is greying. To external observation he’s delaying the inevitable with vitamins, protein shakes, bran flakes and a coupe. Better off with soup eh? And slippers and a little shed to whittle in. Better giving in to it than fighting it. He’d look a...

I think this is very good, my only problem is one of tense in the following extract: 'clothes which once fit her shrug from the shoulders,' I read thorugh the piece twice and stumbled at this point both times. Perhaps change 'fit her' to 'fitted' ? If they used to fit her then the moment your discri...

I too think that you should retain the original first stanza. It's a gentler introduction and works well. 'The story's told in rhyme / that rattles like a train fixed in its track' is an excellent line and the echo back to it in the last stanza is very effective. A good poem, I enjoyed reading it.

This is funny, ironic, awkward, sad, and thought provoking. So, some of it is smooth, some stumbling. It's quite a lot like life really! I like it very much.

Thanks to everyone who commented, I made a few edits as a result of your suggestions and have entered the finished piece into a competition. Unfortunately its removal from the internet is one of the entry rules.

I'll let you know if I have any luck with it

Cheers again,

Raine.

From a pious point of view - Ouch !
From a scentific standpoint - Yep, I'm right with ya

I find my tent pitched among the unforgivers when it comes to Plath but personal feelings aside I quite like this piece. I'm guessing the change of pace half way through is deliberate and it works well I think, however, if the intent behind the poem was to evoke sympathy for Sylvia then it failed at...

Thanks everyone. I like the 'proverbials' suggestion. I'll use that, thank you. As for deeper meaning you won't find any, there isn't one. It's just a frippery for its own sake. Nothing more important than a bit of fun with words and stuff.

. Cracking ... It’s my kitchen, egg sucker! You can’t stand the heat so Go and crumble cookies Somewhere else. Too many sous, Already broke the broth ya know And now you’re making omelette Without cracking it or spilling? Half full; half empty; Do I care? Uh .. No ! No point crying duck Or passing ...

I really like this. Very emotive! It contains some references that I didn't understand but I think that in this case that vagueness added to the effect. I liked the repitition and the last lines sum up perfectly. Technically there's room for some improvemnent but isn't there always.

I'm not qualified to comment on the content but from a purely poetic stand point I like this very much. Good use of language, some very effective half rhymes !

I find myself agreeing the the previous post. The tale is interesting enough, mildly pensive even, but for me the telling doesn't come across as particularly poetic.

Oh dear, how embarrassing! I've just looked it up and what I actually meant was 'mannequin.' I've been spelling that wrong for about forty years. Worse still for 20 of them I was a professional seamstress and highstreet retail haberdasherer. :oops: I'll just do a quick edit and then I'll get my coat...

Thanks Ian, the second one was the revision but I'm going to fiddle with this for quite a while yet I think. I really like the concept and I'm enjoying playing around with the terms. I've got another one on the back burner that's using the names of microorgansims: Salmonella, Listeria and Proteus vu...

Yeah go on! email him, that'd be funny

Thank you both, for reading and commenting.

. Seamingly a couple Unshod and nude I watched you mannequin. Your ticking loose, your form, sized. We pinned in silver skeins; needled, embroidering in time. I fine stitched your gusset And you appliquéd mine. Later hemmed and pressed we lay in cross-stitched tapestry. Braided at the edges, back-t...

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I think this works very well as it is. It flows beautifully and the rhyme scheme works well. You manage to convey the shock of the situation without milking it for effect.

Changing ‘terminals’ to termini would terminate the rhyme with ‘falls’


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Hi Pauline, I enjoyed the read but I think you may have misinterpreted the question which makes a refreshing change because it's usually me.

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Brian, really enjoyed your piece, particularly this:

My God is a 21st century God,
hand-held and key-ringed,
firewalled against the non-believing
demographic hankering to hack His parables
and mint-dip His flock.

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Lady Killer

She came, clad in grey;
Thunderclouded her way through
row upon row of bookcased onlookers
then hovered ...

Witnesses lettered the evidence
As she spotted her quarry
And hawked.



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