Poetry Forum

Thanks arunansu for your ideas and for taking the time to share them with me.

Thanks Lovely for your comment, I will manifest away! I quite like this piece myself, but will work on improving it to make it a more enjoyable read for others.

Great feedback from you both, thanks
firefly

Hello Lovely, please don't be sorry! This is a nonsense poem, it's not meant to make any sense really, only what you make of it yourself. The fact that you found it funny is good though, thanks for reading.
firefly

Thanks for reading Mesmie and David, and for your great idea of expanding this to 3 haikus David. I will certainly give it a go.

I do enjoy the challenge these little poems are to me!

Thanks again,
firefly

Hello Arunansu and Suzanne, thank you both for your comments. I like to try and keep within the confines of the 5-7-5 pattern for senryu and haiku and to convey a message in 17 syllables, although sometimes I'm more sucessful than others! I'll explain my thought process for this one. Sense deprivati...

Sense deprivation

Unconditional torture -

Test of mother’s love

I agree with anniecat, this is lovely. You have created atmosphere here with your imagery.Clever, I think, in so few words.
I enjoyed the scene you created in this poem, and, like anniecat, I have no 'nits' with it!
Thanks for sharing,
firefly

I really enjoyed this read. I think the personification is nice and the repetition is fine. It gave me a real sense of spring and the imagery is lovely.

(I must take note of the semi-colon tip, I never quite know what to do with them!)

Anyway, a great poem all round, well penned.

firefly

Down across the mire, lived the Meaty Bigatoo, in his fiddly waddy kipple, on the Doddle by the Skew. Oh the mighty Skew was thundering down the Niddler, in a rush, breaking fiddly waddy kipples, turning Doddles near to mush! Well the Meaty Bigatoo, put the Spoodle into action, and he wound the Mard...

Hello arunansu, once again you have painted a lovely scene with your words. You have captured a moment beautifully and conveyed it to the reader really well. (I like the 'juggles with them' line too!) The simple language you've used works well for me. Why complicate a simple scene with 'heavy' words...

Oh dear, I'm sorry if I've thrown a spanner in the works with my comments on this one! I do take on board and appreciate the values of punctuation, and I agree wholeheartedly that it can either 'make or break' a poem at times. I just posted my thoughts on this particular piece, that's all! In no way...

I love this poem mesmie. Nothing but good comments from me, although, I do prefer your original posting, before the punctuation changes. I'm no expert on punctuation either, I struggle myself, but I think sometimes you have to stay true to your own creativity and 'way of writing'. I honestly don't b...

over this chip pan
considering - why don't I
just buy oven chips?

Hello anniecat, I still love this poem, but I agree with mesmie about removing the links to marriage in it. To me, it just takes the edge off of an edgy piece of writing. Until the marriage reference, this had my imagination working over-time, and I particularly enjoy that kind of write. Just my opi...

Thankyou all for your comments. I was feeling very 'beige' when I wrote this - sometimes people just will not listen to what you have to say! Beige is so damned insignificant and bland, a pseudo-colour. It's just great when prople make you feel THAT good, (not!) Glad you seem to like this one, I had...

Personality Beige

Why is it that when I speak,
People turn the other cheek,
Am I such a crashing bore,
Easier to just ignore.

I feel so terribly confused,
And quite peculiarly amused.

I’m sure I’ll have the last laugh here,
To me it’s absolutely clear…….

That Beige is all the rage this year!!!

Hello arunansu, great work here again. I think I like cherita 2 best, although they are all lovely. You set the scene for each little story so well, very atmospheric and endearing. Like anniecat, I wish I was there! My favorite line is 'in unmindful breeze', just lovely :) Enjoyed the read, thankyou...

Phew, what a powerful, heartfelt and totally gut-wrenching poem! The despair and underlying lack of self respect the victim feels in this piece are almost tangible. A very emotional and difficult read, which, given the subject matter, is probably just what you intended it to be. Hope this is not wri...

I love this! You have managed to tell the intended story well in these few lines. Also, you have made this short poem (cherita) atmospheric and meaningful, I thoroughly enjoyed the read. I had never heard of 'Cherita' poetry before and I found the information you provided on this style really intere...

Hello zuitsootmod, I have read your poem over a few times, and each time I do so, it gets sadder and more desperate. A real sense of longing and hurt comes through. I don't really know what else to say, other than, if what I have described is the intention of your poem, then you have done a great jo...

High Water The river was busy today, confident, And swollen with pride, Flowing passionately, without restraint, Dictating his own journey, Ignoring the suggested boundaries of design, Mutinous, defiant, and ignorant, To the devastation and suffering, Of the takers. Ultimately, slave to no man. And ...

A very interesting poem. To me this write is great until the line 'in wedding vows' in the fourth stanza. Up until that point, you really drew me in. I thought it was edgy and slightly creepy, perhaps about a person struggling to find out 'who they really are', or, even something more sinister, like...

Hello arunansu, I enjoyed the imagery in these poems very much. Tanka 1 left me with a feeling of melancholy. I would perhaps of used a different word than 'morbid' to describe the tunes in line two, as the word 'sombre' used in line three only re-inforces the mood of the piece, rather than adding t...

How very embarrassing! First poem posted here and first spelling mistake too. I have duly corrected it now. Thanks arunansu for pointing it out, hope it makes more sense now.
I suppose this really is more Senryu than Haiku. Oh dear, I'm not off to a very good start here at Poet's Graves am I!

Arid affection,

Brittle consumation, dry -

Rasping delusion.

I love the idea behind this poem, and the imagery is lovely, but, like Amadeus, I found it difficult to read. I completely agree with his suggestions about punctuation and metre. I'm sure if you try out some of the ideas he's so kindly taken the time to help you with, this poem could, potentially be...