Poetry Forum

you laid it all on thick here. Images, sights, sounds...I particularly liked the opening image of the crossword windows. The second stanza though, it might be better in a seperate poem. You lose the transition between the big and small crosswords, to me.

- will

this might need some re-doing. What makes the fingers untouchable, or the skin repulsed? How does skin dream? How do muscles forget? I do like this line, though: "following the cracks and bruises across the temple." I wonder if it could use a better context though? I am having trouble unde...

will be back to critique on others shortly - very sorry!

She showed off her manakin feathers, strut in her clothes as a bright red lover and curled the whole world with her delicate swan neck. He introduced himself again, felt her hair and cupped her back with his eyes, told her stories and legends, as if she didn't already know his name. They walked thro...

you can be proud of it, go ahead. I just thought you placed it here for analyzing, is all.

- will

hello. In my opinion this part is solid gold: I’m glad I was never one of those girls. I’m glad I never reached down my throat and yanked the guilt out by force. I’m glad I never learned how to regurgitate like a mother bird into the open, chirping mouths of white toilets. Also enjoyed how you satir...

--which other one?

-will

hello Spike, I dont think we've met. Ahem, enough pleasantries. Two things I wanted to say really: (1) maybe reconsider the religious imagery, it doesn't start till the first chorus and I'm not sure it acheives what you want it to. "I thought this was heaven but really it's hell" has kind ...

yes fear not Keith. My inspiration was poetry.com, but, I couldn't resist. I added the copyright after seeing people do it here and slapped it up.

- william

well, raisins are my favorite part. That makes you optimistic.

- Will

I have been published thr’wing my words on the page, writing anything my heart wished in any order to arr’nge O lovinge words! Singe with me! with glee. I justis and truthe love just cannot think of what I could write of to express my inner thought. Instead I just jot. dont say to me that I suck. go...

Bombadil wrote:he reeked of elderberries...

Yeh. Damn. What'd I say? Spelling never was my thing.

- will

I'm confused as well (whew). I'm not sure I see the significance of 449 (4:49?). I'd pick some images I liked and put some breathers in this. I get the distinct sense this isn't just a retreat into abstraction, there is a point in there somehwere. PS: is it my imagination or should the second stanza...

tanka, tanka very much.

No one races a cripple
or kicks at their legs.
Nobody waves to the blind
or ever calls up
mute friends on the telephone.
So why shout at the deaf folks?

definitely something to expound upon...it didn't really capture me though. "kneeling trembling in orthodoxy" - very true.

- will

Street lights go black, and dark shower-heads pour dandruff for a change on the thick hobo faces with their rain-dance shadows and the torn ski-masks, and the freezer-burnt fingers in round bins of starved fire. Guttural groans cut the night, as the thermostats shatter and the teeth of frostbite sta...

thanks pseud. Wrote this a long, long time ago. Expect edits sooner or later...if I get around to messing with it.

- will

short. Sweet. Goes nowhere. My kinda poem.

- will

heady, man, heady. Like, Steven Hawking on crack heady. I'm afraid you've lost me from the beginning. Still, 'conceptualisation of stars as triangles' could turn into something meaningful ...

- will

Nice editing. I love it. No more massive editing or you'll ruin it!!! haha...

- will

your mother was hamster, and your father smelt of alderberries...

you're progressing, I can see it. This is very nice, I mean that - the only problem is with making the coffee cup smooth and subtle. I'd suggest playing around with "Coffee cup sat neatly like before ." My ears don't like "cup" and "like before." Also, I'd drop the last...

these are very cool. Especially enjoyed the first three and December. The only one I don't understand is September. Very generic, no?

- will

usually a few hours, with plenty of breaks.

- will