Poetry Forum

Thank you Ray Miller I hadn't spotted the taut/taught, too busy struggling with getting the descriptions to sound right. I think your point about the positioning of her in the dermis line is better than I have it. I'll make those changes and sleep on it and try and iron out the switch that didn't se...

Hi Nicky I like a lot of the sounds in the poem but it feels a bit like the rhyming is overwhelming the short lines and through that method of writing the poem, maybe the clarity which I struggled to find got a bit lost on the way. That's just my impression which might not be how others see it and a...

Gravity Her hand manipulates its shaft until an unfurled canopy is stretched over sprung ribs sheltering her bouffant locks. Bright pinheads form on curves of the taut, rain repellent skin. She’s thinking of less dreary times which appeal until sharp edges prick into the dermis beneath her scars. Sh...

I also like the wryness of this poem, I also like the way it puts a message across with enough authority and yet is subtle in its tone.

Might be worth exploring some of the suggestions that have been offered to see if it reads even better.

Jjaz

I like the visual nature of this poem. I wasn't sure what to make of the capital placements but can see why you might want to keep it punctuation free to present the poem in an uncluttered way.

thanks

Jjaz

Thankyou Nash Hokum: 1. Something apparently impressive or legitimate but actually untrue or insincere; nonsense. 2. A stock technique for eliciting a desired response from an audience. I am unsure about your prose comment and trying to see which aspect of the poem is in need of reworking to make it...

Caught out We sat outside school playing hooky, just out of sight to avoid getting rumbled. Off came our ties and blazers, on went our hokum robes. I colored my hair with food dye, the others hurled mawkish remarks at passers by. An old man dropped his tripe because the paper bag got wet and split. ...

Hi I think this is an unusual poem because I wasn't expecting the mixture of things that you used for your dreams and the things you filmed. It looks like some parts of the poem you are using punctuation (commas) and in other places you begin a new line instead of punctuating it. There seems to be a...

Hi

I like some of the combinations you used in the poem. Pharaoh and sernade, I wouldn't have thought of that.

The first two lines seem to rely on the title and that made me think about the meaning of what you said.
It seems like a nice poem with a good ending, I liked it.

thankyou

Jjaz

Hi

I think this poem gives me something to think about by the way it ends. I can not decide if all the comparing I did gave me qualities which were all pleasant but I think that is showing the good and bad things about the person in the poem.

It was an enjoyable poem to read, thankyou

Jjaz