Poetry Forum

Meanwhile, you’ll expect others to find time to crit yours. Until two weeks ago, I hadn't posted here in over two years. I just wanted to share my work, doesn't mean I expect anyone to critique it. Ah. So that’s that, then. Glad you told me, before I bothered to read it and form a view. I wouldn't ...

JJWilliamson wrote:Hi Mul,

To me this piece reads like notes for a poem. If you take the central premise and build upon it with some tangible imagery
a poem of worth could well emerge.

Best

JJ

I, purposely, didn't go for tangible imagery (if, by 'tangible', you mean 'relatable').

I was following it until the last two lines - I don't understand the 'Fred' or why you should be unrapturable. I also found the idea of a reality 'belonging' strange - existing, perhaps, but where would reality belong? Strange and interesting, though. I believe you owe a few crits? Ros Those two li...

Chasing for something that never belonged to me, my mother taught me better than that; I once cared about women, around the same time that I wished I was a better person. Now I am unapologetic for my institutionalised thoughts, for my forbidden touches, for the sabbatical frustrations. A former role...

In the heat of the night I quietly looked for the knife that was hid under my bed for the last eight years. Another darkest hour devoid of reason and hindsight. God loves no one - If you must insist that love exists. My spirit man died nameless by autumn. The hypothetical wife did not mourn; the val...

Thank you.

For at least twenty minutes each day I’d find myself showcasing an unnatural nakedness to myself, like a beggar prostrating for a clean slate. “I am going to change” was the mantra. Twenty years of unholy hours and unrest. In my exhaustion I would hear a knock on the doors of my closet from a storm ...

Poetry

It seems to say a lot but in reality I think it says very little clearly. Steve I can't help but agree. The only thing that I can think of (assuming you meant to use "conscious" and not "conscience") is "monkey mind". It is funny how I ALWAYS thoroughly disagree with t...

You still haven't answered my question; what is clumsy about the sentence you highlighted? There are a couple of things that occur to me about it, Mulbery, which perhaps you could consider. The first is that the semicolon looks a bit odd where it is, and maybe a comma might be better; the second is...

You still haven't answered my question; what is clumsy about the sentence you highlighted? I am more than aware of how the critiquing process works, Nash- I just haven't been active in THIS website. I can accept criticism that is actually valid!

It is funny how I ALWAYS thoroughly disagree with the criticism given to my pieces in this website. What is clumsy about the sentence you highlighted?

I first saw him lingering on the tree that sits beside my garden in a careless prowl. He was covered in manure that heaped from his unfledged wanders, but I couldn’t stomach the patience of waiting for him to die. I told myself: “a monkey never falls far from the tree that resides in the mother coun...

Lifting the remaining grub from the ground and brushing it off with the carve of my fingers. What is the demise of creation or the purpose of a swarm of bees? I have lived alone, before I destroyed things too foolishly. The art of concordance lays in the dust, at the side of the road to the notion o...

Tongues of fire, spiteless should I choose to chase it, backslide and grow old towards the perpetual origin regardless. Make what you will I wish to disappear, in the astral to bleed, caress and deform. Outside, where the laughing gas lines up, I fear the joy of the visions on the city with morbid d...

Suzanne, thank you for shedding some light on how things work around here. I tried to read all of the rules before posting any of my poems in order to conform with standards and regulation here. I too would like to improve but it seems that most people do not understand the poem, but I don't think i...

Hey, Mulbery. What I am trying to achieve with the poem is irrelevant No, it's certainly not, if you want it to be read and critiqued. If you post it on a poetry forum, you are trying to achieve something. Please, tell us what that 'something' is. I've spent time on your piece, and am still willing...

To completely tell you what the narration is about I would need to go through it with you, line by line. But, the poem is about a personal experience, and the poem is describing that, but in a, I don't like using this word- but, in a spiritual sense, if you will. I am sorry if the poem isn't accessi...

Mulbery, I think you're aiming at epic narrative poetry, with a religious theme and rather revelatory, slightly archaic language. I should warn you that this isn't the sort of poetry that we're used to here, and we may not be able to give you a lot of assistance! I guess it's not what we generally ...

Quite simplistic, almost naively so. I liked the first line- the almost intentional abuse of syntax worked very well, and your enjambment made it flow very well. I didn't mind the second couplet but the third seemed very redundant and dull. You have to forgive me, but I am not sure what language you...

A very thought-provoking piece that although it may seem disjointed or unfocused- with a little bit of consideration and time to absorb the scattered ideas and intentions, it all begins to fit into a cohesive whole. I think it would be a crying shame if the reader tries to bring the spirit of Christ...

More detailed criticism would also be very appreciated. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Rome. [/i] This is a long distance fall, this is an absence of thought, elusive resuscitation and compassion thereof. The ...

Thanks everyone for reading. I will post another poem later on, once I know where I stand here- as a beginner or an experienced writer. Danaleekss, thank you for your comment but I am not sure if what you're saying is a positive or negative criticism, or really just your interpretation of the entire...

Thank you very much for your comments. David, it certainly is 'marshes' and not 'mashes'- thank you for pointing that out to me.

My first reply to Ros pretty much explains the basic outline of the poem but I could always explain it further, if you wish.

I have to agree with you Ros, I do feel it is too abstract, and I will be honest with you, it was very unintentional. I have always kind of struggled to really convey concrete images very well- but it is something I will definitely try to do the next time I write something. I agree with you about wh...