Poetry Forum

I hope I've grasped what you were both saying. I've tied to keep the things that you suggested but changed the problem areas hopefully.

Is this more what you meant? Any other wek areas?

Thanks for the help.

Point taken about setting the mood and getting off on the wrong foot. I've made some adjustments to the first. Do you think it's any better, or should I just have deleted the first line alone?

What a great read, dark and clinical, two of my favourtie things in poetry. I think that the imagery is strong enough to remove the nicotine adiction line altogether though? One of the things that got me thinking were the lines He died panting and bald all over, a true testament to devastation. Did ...

I've just got a quick question before thinking about the last stanza further. Is the couplet... our oars beating violently on frothy foaming heads ...meant to have a double meaning, refering also to beating the 'frothy heads' of the types of people in the fisrt stanza as well as just waves? I hope s...

The fillinging fuller figures is slightly more bawdy, I usually like a woman with curves, but the girl in the this poem was very slender and not my usually type at all. The line was orginailly going to be "f***ing fuller figures" or "falling for fuller figures" but went with fill...

Esther I used to fall for fuller figures. But as she leaned her leanness on me, supporting her slight, slenderness close enough to whisper, while people pressed past; my tastes changed. We both grew hungry. In a room lending shadows We’d come to talk. On a borrowed bed We came - so to speak. I trie...

I wouldn't ignore you at all. Think you made some good points. Again I've had another edit. Changed the last line and added a little to the middle. Do you think I should include the title at the end?

I like the idea of not excluding the reader. I'd never looked at it like that before but it makes sense. I've had a qick edit but think I'll try and come back to it again later. Thanks for the help.

Dr Thomas was my ex. Well still is suppose as a girlfriend's not forever but an ex is.

Looking at this again I think you're right, it might be beyond help. Might save a couple of lines for something else.

Gravity loves the heavy heart At sub-five foot she took his weight and waited. She picked up his pieces, patched him up. They were broken, She was shattered. Next time he falls, those last five feet will hurt the most. Gravity loves the heavy heart. (I would love help to sort this out. I think ther...

Mick this is so good. Just read Sunderland 19 and glnced through on the off chance off finding something more. I can't believe this was ever in the beginners section. Hard to find a favorite line, i think barrie picked out the credit card couplet and I think I'd probably agree.... has this made it t...

This had a great feel to it. I'm from the north east and with sunderlands ship building heritage I assumed Sunderland 19 was some old ship left to rust. I was wrong but doesn't detract from the poem in anywa. I think it says a lot that so many people read this without knowing what they were reading ...

Hi William,

Hope you enjoy it here, I would say it's one of the best forums around.

I'm just about to head over to Texas myself to work for a few weeks Houston though. Hoping it might inspire some new poems.

Adam

There was something else I meant to ask. The line "my longing for her undiminished by five fingers" is that an intentional reference to m@sterb@tion? Sorry if it's not, that's just how it read to me despite the guitar references thoughout the stanza.

Thanks for the comments CC and Minstrel. One thing I did consider was rather than hinting at the content of missing pages instead trying to write a stanza that might have been a page that had been modified, with blank spaces to show missing words so that it read positively but if you thought about w...

I liked this it made me smile and laugh. I think all men a secretly pleased by ‘unwanted’ female attention. I thought the third stanza could do with some work (sorry I can’t be more specific that that, I’ll have another look at it), I think the last four lines are really good, the final one especial...

This is genius. I’d have to echo the thoughts of Barrie. I love all of the same lines. I’d also like to add that the double meaning of the line “I sought a lyric in my fretting” is very clever. I really great read. I can’t find anything that I think should be changed so sorry for the lack of constru...

Thanks TLF I've made the change you suggested and I think you were right to point out the inablility to change the words the someone speaks is much harder. That's the point I was failing to get across I think. Thank you. Minstral, thank you for your comments. I was wondering if you could explain mor...

Sorry Virago, Thank you for your comment too. I was replying to Barrie's when your post came throught so didn't see it until I'd posted.

Thanks for the help barrie. i've made a couple of alterations based on your advice. It certainly makes it more concise. I'll try and come back to it after a bit of a break and look at it again.

Tip-Ex Girlfriend I changed the dates on your letters, extended our love beyond your limits. To fool some future self I put them in a box somewhere I'd forget. I lost selected pages I'd never understand. Removed words you didn't mean until you started making sense. Filled empty spaces with things y...

Hey everyone, I've been a member here for a while but never written one of these so I thought I'd give it a go. I'm still sort of a beginner I only started writing poems last year and have only ever finished a handful of them. One of my first was selected as a featured poem on here which gave me the...

Hey TLF, What a great start to my day reading this was. I know there's just been a new featured poem but whoever chooses the next one, I hope that they pick this. I'm finding it hard to find fault with it really so sorry about the lack of constructive criticism, I think the closest I can get is that...

Hello everyone, Just started a new job so have been absent from the boards recently but to come back and find this topic was great. I'd forgotton just what great stuff was on the boards. As for a favourite poem; the one that spings to mind from recent months is: What we did before dark by that girl ...

Hey Minstrel, I liked this poem. The first stanza is quite hard hitting with some unpleasant imagery. The second also has some great stuff. Afternoon sunrays slide through the dust-light Slant past the doorway... is particularly effective. I'm not as keen on the switching of the sentence order; the ...