Poetry Forum

The ring of darker pigment around the edge of your iris is an event horizon. An all consuming midnight of inescapable unknowns. Time and distance disappear. --------------------------------------- I'd really like some help with and criticism of this to try and finish it. I thought the first stanza w...

Thank you all for your comments. As ever it's great to see the boards are still full of useful advice and suggestions. I think it needs a bit if a re work. Hopefully the edit will address a lot of the concerns and issues.

Caleb, Ros, The intention was that there was a third party. I wanted the narrator to be the outsider though. It was more about a relationship that could never happen as the object of his affections was married/getting married and that was her bond. It wasn't that they had run off or left anyone more...

We were only a theory when you bonded with another, sublimating our what if into what might’ve been. We may never test empirically Le Châtelier's discovery, a constant equilbrium that burns like Bunsen flames. ---------------------------------------------- I hope some of the issues have been address...

Yes, they are now less controlling of the thermostat. It just felt better this way, it jarred previously as it didn't sound like someone you'd miss.

I've tried to take on board the advice, though it's been difficult to please both camps (lose the rhyme vs match second to the rhyme of the first stanza). I might still be a little wide of the mark but hopefully it's closer than it was originally. It's been good to see this through others eyes and r...

I liked the title, I assumed it was a nod to the expression 'we all have a cross to bear' or in this case an acrostic to bear?

An interesting poem. The alphabet acrostic is an achievement but I wonder if its restrictions have had to much impact on the poem as you yourself seem to say in the first three lines. I also wondered whether the following stanza was an attempt to preempt the comments that have appeared, though their...

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your advice on this. I'm having a bit of a rewrite and trying to take everything onboard. I used to post on here a few years ago and I'm only just coming back to trying to write again. I started with the last thing I had been working on back then to try and ...

Their house feels much colder now he's gone, she wears his old jumper to bed warmed by the thought its fibres have caught the echoes of things he once said. As she shivers alone by the cold side, from the folds of his woollen embrace she hears him repeating, 'Go put on the heating' and a smile radia...

Thanks David, completely painless.

Peter, don't worry about it. You were right and hopefully I can learn more from this board, while stopping by the experienced board for an occasional look to see who's still on the site from the last time.

Sorry Arian, You are right. Sorry I've not been on the boards for quite some time and have just discovered that there is now a beginners board that might be more suitable. I'm not sure how to move this post to there or delete from this board; perhaps a mod could help? Looking for advice on improving...

Her house is much colder now he's gone. She wears his old jumper to bed, Warmed by the thought, that it’s fibers have caught, The echoes of things that he said. I’ll never leave you. I’ll never go. My love, I love you, More than I can show. And from it’s folds, He's forever repeating that ‘April’s t...

I'm rushing out but wanted to say I thought this was great. It made me laugh too. Hopefully I'll get some more time later to come back for another read and a longer comment.

I have to agree with barrie about the tourist guide start to this. There are lines I like. The last three are good. I was a little confused about the crisp crunch part though, as I don't associate that with peaches (although it's been a while since I had one so maybe they do crunch as the skin break...

Thanks for the advice. I agree the second line was weak so have made the suggested changes, I wanted to keep the stripped line anyway but couldn't work out how, but this still seems to work.
Fig8

Thanks I'll re-read with that in mind. I've not been travelling. Just working long hours and finishing my thesis on an evening. Looking to have more time soon to practice some non-scientific/technical writing. It was good to come back and see so many familiar names on the boards and just working my ...

Ah, it's good to be back and find the quality is as high as it ever was. There are some really great lines in here but I liked the gentleness of: Inanimate backwoods beauty adorned at Sunday speeds. But you've lost me with: encased in metal machine music; Don't suppose you could help me out? As an a...

Thanks for the advice oranggunung and everyone else. I tried to make it a bit clearer but not sure whether it's worse now? I did mean pixelated, bit of a typo there :oops: It was supposed to be about the type of man who posts naked pictures of ex-girlfriends, or photos taken during sex of them, on t...

Lovers.tif He uploaded their pictures; stripped her of encryption. Jpegs compressing her trust into downloadable shame. The black box across his eyes fails to hide pixelated morals. Her hexadecimal flesh tones wait for web-spiders. ________________________ Original: He uploaded her secrets. Strippe...

OK, thought I was done with this but you make some valid points. The "came so to speak" line I agree is childish it was put in there as it was a reference to something that was said that night but maybe not needed. I'm glad you didn't see the first draft of this though because that was eve...

Hey first of all: what's this doing in the beginners sections it's a really great piece. I definitely think it could hold its head high in the experienced section. There appears to be some disagreement in the comments that follow the poem as to what's actually going on though. When I read it I felt ...

Wow, that's some pretty powerful imagery, especially first thing in the morning. The human heart looks like, a fist wrapped in blood. Never looked at it like that before but it works on a number of levels especially when you consider the heard being the driving force of anger, that sudden rush of bl...

Good to see you've come back. Looking forward to reading more stuff like 'what we did before dark...' sorry if that's not the title

Also thinking about it sorry if that wasn't by you at all, I pretty sure it was though.

I feel stupid now. I read this before in the early hours and it lost me. I even missed the Peter Parker reference. It all seems so obvious now, can't believe I missed it... jet lag will have to be my excuse. Really well done with this, a great idea and a reminder to try and see things from a perspec...