Poetry Forum

Hey! this is great. It might just be me but while i can feel the bleak tone to the poem, I also get some comic value. That may be because I live in Brighton and this poem really oozes the essence of Eastbourne haha. Especially with words like sepia, floral print and liver spots x

This is great, especially the second verse. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing

Hi Suzanne, thanks for your comments. It is a little short, maybe i'll try and add to it. Haha, no it's not doll heads, its me from behind with huge fairy wings on, holding a toadstool birthday cake that my friends made for me a few years ago! Maybe if you zoom in you'll be able to see it better. Th...

Hi Micheala, thanks for taking the time to reply :) Yeah, i'm not sure about the title either! I kind of didn't know what to put in the 'title' box so made it up in a hurry! I like your reorganisation of the lines too! I will post the original (good point Mac) and the two revisions! Arian - Thanks f...

Hey Mac,
Thanks so much for replying. I completely agree with your re-arrangement of the lines. So much so, i'm actually going to edit it that way now It flows much easier!
Thanks again x

Original Come dusk I am a haunted girl disappearing with the heat Oh how nightfall creeps around the heart and stifles any beat So until the stars are washed away, the only hope is sleep. (...at least I think that was the original haha) Revision 1 Come dusk I am a haunted girl, disappearing with th...

Hi Richard!
I love this, I think it sounds like the beginning of a fairytale! I love the way you begin with the vacant sky and work downwards into the detail of the flowers etc. I like how it starts far away and dream-like and ends as the simple observations of a man 'killing time'. Thanks

gavin wrote:hello lie-lo-Lilly

it transverse to the same field hospital as your head

one can purify a poem by many distillation, through the water out,

Hi Gavin!
I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean by field hospital?
Thank you very much for reading and taking the time to comment thought

Hellloooo

This is hilarious, I really like the humor and imagery throughout. It makes me think of Pinocchio but instead, taking an ordinary boy, pulling him apart like a faulty doll and building a perfect one from scratch!
Georgie

Hi Adam! Thanks for your comments. Yes I don't really know what I was thinking with the higgledy piggledy rhyming but certainly agree that it would flow better if a litte more consistent! Thanks for reading
Georgie

Hi terrible fish! ( Great username by the way)
Thanks very much for your comments and for taking the time to read! Yes I agree that lines 3and 4 could do with a re-jig so I'll set about doing that soon! I'm glad you liked my poem

I agree. Lines 1-2 are very good IMO, and lines 6-7 are fine. I think it reads easier if you were to split line 4 into 2 lines - but still lines 3-4 would need work. - Out of interest, it seems when writing non-rhyme you can slip in the odd rhyme and its deemed acceptable. But for some reason you c...

i like the idea...it needs a tinge of rue to be a bit more flavoured a sense of more things beneath unsaid...[and could be longer] i like snippets like this as if the day were more important lost to something lesser known and not quite well pronounced the feeling perfect come again then lost to see...

I'd agree with David. It is an arresting start but the irregular rhythm and rhyme detract some. I wondered also if buried, weighted and knotted was the correct sequence, chronologically speaking. Hi Ray! Thanks for reading, yes i agree that the irregular rhyming takes away from the poem. As i said ...

Lo, this is nice but it seems to go off the rails a bit in the middle. I can get four beats to a line in lines 1-2 and 6-7, but in between you have a non-rhyming line and the rhythm disappears completely. If you wanted to do anything to this, I would look at changing those bits. Cheers David Hi Dav...

You were conscious of course, all that time gone by

Dreaming of falling and wishing to fly

Now its buried, weighted and knotted

Forever a little black box, dark December day

And you can’t force it away

With love, or unrelenting trust

For a key in the rain is bound to rust

Hello

This is lovely. I especially like 'hear the voice of better years'. There is a clear sadness throughout but in a way it is also uplifting and quite inspirational. Thanks!

Alexcanwell wrote:I enjoyed this poem. Quite sinister but still retains a light-hearted feel, thanks.

Hello!
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!

Hi Lolita I can't help but like your poems, you have a good, recognisable voice. But this poem has nothing logical in it and if you chose a metaphor you need to be careful to make it work on multiple levels. You admit yourself that toads don't wrap themselves in blankets, nor do they step and hope,...

windowfrost wrote:I like it, child-like yet thoughtful. Though I don't believe it is really about a toad! haha, are you the toad?

hehe I don't know if I'm the toad, probably! If so, it was unintended! Thanks for reeeeeading! x

Hi Lo, I think this is a lovely, bitter-sweet poem. A big plus for me, was turning "nothing" into a "something" in stanza 2. Nice touch. Hard to criticise something you like, but if this were mine I would change the following: In S1, toads are usually referred to as hopping or l...

I could imagine Van Morrison singing this. Of course, you might not necessarily regard that as a good thing. Still, I like the lyrical simplicity of it, and the vaguely haunting repetition of "then" (as well as the three beats in those lines). Cheers David Hey David! No, I like Van Morris...

Has a pleasant wistfulness about it. I quite like the end lines finishing on "then".You have "old" in 1st, 2nd and 3rd verse."Sail upon memories of you" would do, as would "weather-worn ties"? I find all the pronouns you've used a bit difficult to keep track ...

so you were in love with some one may be he was running from the law, a person who climbed high gates,, sitting alone kidnapped by thought,, now you carry this weight of memory. you finish every stanza with (then) and the rhyme, i liked it very much because the villain had an impact on you Gavin Hi...

November Then Sail upon old memories of you Dreaming your words like you always do You were weightless then Filling your heart with the magical old Black sheep, the master, three bags sold And he was running then Delicate, grounding of skies Loosening old weathered ties And they were wishing then A ...