Poetry Forum

Excellent Nash. I will take a closer look at this later tonight when I am home. Much appreciated. Hi again Nash, I agree about that first stanza. It might be okay to use in a different poem. But not with the 2 other stanza's. I did have, 'as grey as Arthurian armour' to begin with but I wasn't sure ...

Hi Kev, I do like that.

And I also like what Mac suggests. It does cast a more hopeful imminent light.

It will be interesting to hear what you think Kev.

Deryn

Thanks guys, Mac, that longer looking final line was due to me wanting a 10 syllable count. Perhaps that is something beginners get drawn into? Nash, when I was writing that 5th line I looked up the name of teeth on the internet. Incisor was what I came up with but after a few reads I wondered wheth...

Thanks Seth,

yes, I must have proof read it a hundred times!? It is supposed to be 'armour.' I have rectified it now.

I was also deliberating with mustache or moustache for a while too. But moustache gets red underlined so I went for mustache.

And thanks for your comment.

Deryn

With what teeth he did have remaining, And with gums that added extra crush, Lots of nibbling and pulverizing, Could reduce a Brazil nut to mush. How he hated that single front incisor, ‘Makes me look like a moody old miser!’ Hair shale grey as Arthurian armour, Shades of the moon on an ice glazed l...

Thanks guys, much appreciated comments. I wonder what you guys think about titles when it comes to poetry? I originally had this poem titled 'Losing you.' Basically someone looking in the mirror and finally accepting by his appearance that something was wrong,'perhaps signs of neglect/in your appear...

When did I first suspect, What caused me to reflect, Perhaps signs of neglect In your appearance? Personality change, Comments that now - sound strange, Avoiding eye exchange Deflecting glances. Vocal repetition. Vocal repetition, Lack of... ...concentration, Obsessive fixation, With the neighbors n...

Hi Mac, as a beginner I hesitate to comment on poems because sometimes it might sound gushy or cliche. And as a consequence not very constructive. But I do like this poem. If I was flicking through a book and glancing quickly at poems it would grab my attention. On reading it fully it immediately co...

Hi Robbie, I'm trying to read as many poets as I can too as I'm a bit of a beginner.

Roger McGough? I have 4 books of his next to my bed in my reading pile! (secondhand from Amazon) I like his work a lot, and as a poet he is quite an interesting person.

Look forward to your next poem.

Deryn

I certainly read reviews before I buy a book. I mostly buy from Amazon so I will read the overall description of the book then read the reviews posted by readers of the book. I find this helpful as it goes some way to getting an overall view of what the book contains. And I also find the chance of r...

Hi, I like little observational pieces like this. I can certainly relate to jumping off buses before they stop as it was very common when 'I was a lad' as we had old double-decker buses with the entrance/exit at the back. Of course tried it myself a couple of times. Is it the old ladies witnessing t...

Hi Mac and thanks. Funny you should mention not buying into that ending because that was a compromise. The original ending I have was a bit specific, related to rock n roll as my dad was a teddy boy, but I didn't think younger guys would know the song 'tutti frutti', or know who Johnny Ray was. Here...

Hi Lake, as with other poems I have commented on I can only offer a beginners view. I felt comfortable and at ease with the flow and it was quite effortless to read. I think the first 2 lines work very well together as they give a clear indication of how you feel. The use of birds of prey as illustr...

Hi all, this is what I had in mind for the remainder of my poem. I recall a Christmas night, Sheets of ice on the inside Of my bedroom window panes! The lazer beam from my torch light Was guided by my bedside Lamp to shoot down model planes Dog fighting on the ceiling. My head was cold, my fingers F...

Hi Jobys..., that fits a little better. It's a straight forward message that everyone can understand. Poems like this can work a little better for the reader if they are metaphorical maybe. Give the reader something to ponder about. Maybe not make things so obvious to the reader. Tons of stuff out t...

Hi John,

makes me think of, 'I'm nobody ...' Dickinson.

I love the first line. Maybe continuing along the lines of women's fantasies might have been interesting?

Deryn

thanks guys. Mac, believe it or not, I was in bed! The room used to get terribly cold. On a night like this Dad used to get home from the pub and throw his coat over my bed to help keep me warm. I liked that because then I could put my arms in the arms of the coat and put my hands in the pockets. Th...

Thanks Seth, that is encouraging. I'm not too good at using , . ; : ' " ! In fact I don't know how or where to use most of them. I thought 'inside' would highlight the surprise at the ice not being on the 'outside' of the window panes. Would the emphasis still work if I got rid of the ' ' ? Tha...

I recall a Christmas night, Sheets of ice on the ‘inside’ Of my bedroom window panes! The lazer beam from my torch light Was guided by my bedside Lamp to shoot down model planes Dog fighting on the ceiling. My head was cold, my fingers Freezing, couldn’t feel my feet! Sleep? what, with church bells ...

Just spotted this and like it very much. I like the inclusion of 'sparrows' over 'birds', more poetic in my mind. Sparrows being a nice mouthful for tom whereas 'birds' could be anything from a sparrow to a golden eagle! This would be my favored take on it. With one eye open, sleepy old tom sees spa...

Hi Ros, there are a couple of excellent magazines BUT, a lot of the poems are free form.

And yes you are right, Gillian and Gwyneth can't be called old!

Thanks Ros.

Deryn

Hi Ros and thanks again. I'm aware this is a 'Post a Poem' part of the forum so sorry for this intrusion. I have read mainly English translations of my local welsh poets, the greats, RS Thomas, TH Parry Williams, R Williams Parry. These I like very much and I can say they 'speak' to me in a poetic l...

Hi Ros, and thanks very much for the 'kind' reply. I think I tried earlier on the forum to 'play' with language. But I just don't have enough knowledge about language to use it and take it anywhere. One excuse I make is that after the age of 11 I really hit the slippery slope as far as learning is c...

Hi all, I've just returned to this and looked at the views again and was wondering if you guys thought there was room for this type of rhyme in the Poets Grave Workshop? I feel comfortable writing this kind of verse, what would you call it? comic verse? I don't know! For instance: MOON ROCK? My pal ...

Nice rhymes and rhythm, until the end. It's like when you are driving along a smooth road and then you hit those painted speed bumps. It interrupts the flow!

Nice sentimental thoughts.

Hopefully you have worked on something else and are ready to share.

Deryn