Poetry Forum

LA GATTA

Why is this cat completely unaffected by my party?
I stand here by the lightswitch
making scenes from an early-90s rave.
Overdosed on humidity,
she declares this is not a happy Monday
and exits the kitchen.

I'm not usually squeamish, or sensitive to such things, but lumping genocide in with "all that other shite", in a poem about corruption in sports administration, just seems very very wrong. B. I agree with you but this line highlights that more people wish to talk about Blatter than genoc...

A very good piece. Very simple yet powerful. Summed up for me by the phrase "belly of the bigot" - basic alliteration done very well. The only bit that disappointed me was the final line. After a poem so well moulded together, this seems a bit of a cliched line that is sat all on its own, ...

Hey, thanks for the feedback. Regarding the title, it actually comes from the Hot Chip song One Life Stand. It's a bit of a tendency of mine to change song lines/titles to suit my thoughts or writings. It is a bit long, but I like it. Arian, you are absolutely correct about the comma. Looks a little...

Last night we roused the house
With noisy flames of love
But the morning creeped
and you doused it out

That look I've seen before
The accepted rejection
of a decade-long romance
Back to old, in new surrounds

I really like the second verse. The sense of aimless wandering the long distance home is something I'm very familiar with [in fact I did it last night!], so it struck something inside me. I'm not keen on the first verse. There's something that doesn't quite hammer home the point of the poem. I'm a f...

I really like this, especially the half-rhyme of "ashes" and "glasses" in L2.

My only crit would be that maybe "burning hate" is slightly clichéd. I like "blazing hate" more but that's just my opinion.

I enjoyed this a lot!

Hiya, Those are all fair points and thanks for making them - I think essentially I tried too hard to write something just using the first letters of his name (which is rather limiting in terms the number of letters!) and the arguement (although I agree I don't sell it) was supposed to be along the ...

Your country is an insult. We use it to belittle Adding prefixes to insults and orange in situ My laughter makes you itchy, allergic reaction I have never seen you giggle. Only hysterical frowns You are the average norm. In all your grey glory Staring at the traffic lights, desperately seeking green...

For some reason I had jumped to the conclusion that this going to be a poem from a Londoner moaning about the Olympics :wink: Well, I was pleasantly surprised. I agree that is "young boys" is better than "young children" for the last stanza. Still, I feel this last line can still...

I LOVE the subject - a great outlook on life to have. I'm struggling to pick up a rhythm unfortunately, maybe it's there and I'm not reading it properly :? All in all I like my poetry a bit more vague and cryptic but that's just a personal preference. As a straight-to-the-point poem this was enjoyab...

Sorry, my bad!

Point taken

This is clearly more of a song than a poem but an enjoyable read none-the-less. The rhyming seems to start off very tight and simple but loses it's way in the middle, mainly due to the 'chorus' which I'm sure would work well in song form. All in all I liked the subject, the simplicity and crispness ...

Staring at the bus stop, outside the deathly window Singing songs of freedom yet I'm trapped in this surrender. Eighteen months without them, the things that make me happy Drunken raucous laughter and the awful moments after. Dim the noisy silence, the deafening din of nothing Screaming "Change...

When the rain comes dripping down your face and all you ever had in life was one place where you could rest your head and feel at home. And now that's gone and you're all alone. You know she'd be there if it was her decision but you took it out of her hands and put yourself in this position. Now you...

Ahhh, this was removed before I had chance to give feedback.

Anyway, the theme was fantastic and it the lines very evocative but, if I remember, rightly it need a bit of structural improvement [or maybe that's my need to have everything looking prim and proper].

Looking forward to a redraft.

Re-drafted.

Well unless I'm being stupid there doesn't seem to be much to 'get'. But it made me laugh for a couple of seconds if that helps!

I really like the first half, especially "I rode into to-morrow on her lips" which is a fantastic line. The second half loses me a bit but I think that's because of line six: "I cannot imagine or dream of her sensuality." I think it just verges on the edge of a cliche whereas the...

Hey, I've redrafted it complete with new title.

I'd love to know people's thoughts.

Hi, My opinion. Not bad except for the last two lines. They have beards that reach to the moon and back. Pity to close with such a cliché. I also would change this: And fall to pieces laughing at others. I think you mean to say laughing about others. Just an opinion. I hope it helps. Kindest, Richa...

MADRID I'm here to see you in an empty hostel. Madrid street noise through the window. You cling to me like you're my girlfriend. But we don't know what we feel now. We throw chestnuts at yellow park bins. And fall to bits in sun-laden laughter. In gypsy jumpers in foreign places. You make fashion s...

Thanks for the feedback Richard. Instantly reading your adapted version of the first line of S2 I could tell it reads a lot better. It's amazing how much something can be improved by changing only two or three words. The last stanza needs some work undoubtedly and will be fairly drastically rewritte...

Ha - is it wrong that I see it as a minor success that I've managed to confuse the reader? I've always been fascinated with the art of confusion. In a way the four stanzas are unconnected - four different times I've 'heard' true silence - which is a paradox- at completely different times in my life ...

RE-DRAFT The silence drowns out the noise. Three-day-old clothes sit poised to answer last night's questions. What did I do? Do you hate me? You talk of a man too shy to kiss. I want to tell you I'm just like this. But eight years of hazy isolation still haunt the ideal of openness. Now run with me ...