Poetry Forum

Thanks to you both.

I am in agreement.

The opening is a distraction, and will go.

Gonna work on this one.

Best Regards

Vincent

Read the extracts. Not sure who I think the winner will be, but in terms of personal enjoyment I would go with Julia Opus ( whose book I have just ordered) and Deryn Rees-Jones, I also admired the scope of Sean Borodales work- Bee Journal. Look forward to hearing the result. thanks for the post Vinc...

think maybe the We cannot compete with literature section could be improved. Substitute literature with Crime and Romance for a start then throw in a few knicknacks and whatnots. I hear you Ray, again, at this point of the poem, I was reaching for the right words. I had the idea and the image and t...

Not a word wasted here. Nothing seems unnecessary. A very measured and controlled poem. Some favorite lines of mine were Ripe bananas fly around your waist copiously syncopating. You dance your own parade through lamp-lit tickertape. Let me dance you close in a place where we are made of silk tails ...

Thanks Oscar, I did find the first part slightly more forced than the middle part, which for me flowed much better, it clearly showed.!!! Yeah the ending is a little melodramatic but this was intended. Glad it worked for you Take out the scissors and start pruning. I think you could end up uncoverin...

Hi ray.

I agree with oscar in regards to the highlight of this piece. It really is very good. I also found the ending a little too sudden. I know you cover this theme or this subject matter, however it always feels fresh. That is a skill.

Best regards



Vincent

He told friends I was cut straight from the cloth of the sun. I wore him like a second skin, I was his happy choice. Hanging here now, steam-starched and boil wash stiff crudely priced on a homemade tag I replay our glory days. Brighton July 09, some scantly clad blonde telling him she needed shades...

Evening. This is good ,real good. For me it reads distant, a journalistic approach.... is that what you were looking for. It is well observed, but not personal, it is seen from the outside, but does not display experience, as I say is this what you were going for. I cant question mark anything as mo...

I too enjoyed this. And at times wish I could write this way. It seems very controlled and measured. Great opening stanza Its good as it adopts a strong formal tone but in the same breath a loose relaxed, even local one. For example. lots of local mojo going on here, that they all tapped into: bronz...

Hi Stuart. Thanks for the input. When a thread of her hair brushing against my neck would excite my tender senses. Yeah, I get you, a little to Mills and Boon. Will work on changing it. A mere gathering of half empty perfumes- Half empty for she is fully gone. I wonder, do you mean its explanatory a...

For River The valley of night is still deep and bleak. The stars and the hill-top houses continue to stud the horizon. The leaf-laden gutter persists its occasional creak. Beyond the broken, moss-draped wall, through the thick stitching of untamed wood, the horses carry on with their melancholic so...

Thanks Susanne ( sorry about the incorrect spelling of your name... certain letters on the keyboard are not working for example my favourite animal is a ebra.) the line breaks were unintentional so I am glad the work for you. Yes there is a book in there somewhere, when time finds me, maybe I will g...

Your stubborn, far reaching light exposes the absence of her pillow. At this high-wire hour as cats traipse broken gutters, and roads settle into silent occasional murmur I am stirred into recollecting the early years. When a thread of her hair brushing against my neck would excite my tender senses....

I found this enjoyable Not overly keen on the bracketed lines, nor so on the Jimmy part- I did not know, until you stated it, that it was the village idiot, still, I'd prefer it without- but its your poem, just my personal preference. And so, she wandered non-committal away from the decrescendo of c...

Hi. Some of the language was nice, but in truth I felt I was almost reading a report, it was a tad to much on the "telling" side. In my opinion, which is usually not much! I would strip the poem down, steer it away from its novel like style which is how it reads to me- to much detail, not ...

Hi David. Strange this one, I cant pretend to fully understand what it is about, but find myself liking it all the same. It has mystery to it but no to much so it alienates the reader. I did find the double use of "we left her" slightly of putting, was it planned to have it in the first li...

Some time ago, before the hair on my balls sprouted like mustard seeds I had a God- he liked to drink rum and collect spices which he lined like toy soldiers on his shelf. But when my voice became confused with its own sound, and the cartoons no longer held my gaze I lost faith or to be exact questi...

Thanks for the feedback. Good to hear from you Suzanne. As far as nits or critique, I think you could be more concise and gain more impact but this is an issue that has its basis in personal preference. Yeah, I see what u mean, this one was sort of abandoned, almost as If I was a little scared in de...

In the early hours of most mornings I taste your death. As though the floorboards, so long stored with stale air, suddenly in the hours of quiet refrain, exhale. Despite fresh paint and a new freckle-flecked carpet everything is tinged with the sepia of sad memory- Of lavender soap and failed organs...

Hi Ros. the eyes where we reside yet cannot enter. I found this to be a bit clunky, compared to the rest of the opening stanza. The second is stanza is great. saw how more than half your efforts ] Found this line a bit of a mouthful as well. Cant quite get to grips with the poem as a whole, Will rea...

Seems different from your usual tone. Much to enjoy. I think this could have gone horribly wrong, but is saved by clever and funny cliches. For me the poem works because it does not take itself over seriously, and in that sense, comes across, in a strange sort of way- quite serious??? I am sure I ha...

Thank you kindly for the feedback. k.j, I agree with the cheese line, it is a line a like, but I think It needs to be better phrased. will certainly look to change some of the finger part as well. Maybe removing frustration as you mentioned. - Laughing at shadows seems light-hearted and a bit out of...

Tonight, as I ride your stallion-strong shoulders in our flower edged shoe-box garden, shirtless and sun-bronzed, smiling truth to the lens you are downstairs arguing with the walls. They have nothing to say about your marriage but you pester them anyway, finger wagging your frustration, laughing at...

Yes, much to like here. Nice use of imagery- could picture the tights in the tree, also I like the addition of the stapled knee part- it adds a more personal touch. I am not overly keen on the "walk into the world again" it seems a bit lazy to me, I might be missing something here, but I'v...

Hi Buck Thanks for the really insightful feedback. Your comments were spot on. You are right about the double use of dog, brush behind my art, forsake its weight etc... I also got rid of the magic lines, and the prevented a personal record. I am glad you got something from this poem, and your interp...