Poetry Forum

Ohhhh my. David. Sometimes what keeps me coming back here to The Graves is the freshness of references from all y'all. We live an ocean apart and the differences in our worlds are sometimes subtle and sometimes vast. Sometimes I get totally lost and can't even figure out what the hell is going on. O...

Bring back The Chain!!!

Holy Jeez I love this Seth. Maybe because I’m sitting at the ocean and that’s the best place to read your poetry. The sonics resonate with the story. The my name/your name/bird name bit has just the right humor. I’m on my phone and want to enjoy the moment of sun that’s happening in my world. Theore...

68,

Yeah there’s plenty to look at in Boston, innit?

Glad you stopped by.

Cheers,
Jane

"The ferries reminded me of the ferryman on the Styx."

Oh HELL yeah. No longer ambivalent. They are just leaving. Only leaving.

*nodding*

David, Not, Ross- These are all useful comments and suggestions, though I’m now pretty officially torn between the original and the revision. I think your observations will help me find my way. I did feel like the tercets set up a nice rhythm but I’m also considering couplets to allude to the biking...

Nice piece David. As horribly under-read as I am I had to wiki the title but immediately got it, fitting for the “time marches on” (with or without our wits about us) message. It’s subtle, which means you have paired a good extended metaphor with your analogy. This makes me think fondly of my quite ...

Widow of opportunity!

Quite nice.

I’ll be back to say more but this reads easily and my first impressions are positive.

W

Seth and David, so sweet to have you stop by, cheers! Hope you are both well. Not, Tristan, Joao - your comments were super helpful, thank you. I've posted a revision now, an overhaul really but hopefully it will prove to be an improvement where things were too confusing. I must try to learn not to ...

68, This is indeed compelling. I like it better each time I read it. "Coppered-cornered door" is a great riddle. If I'm correct that this signifies Church then I wondered what would happen if you capitalized just that one word? House. Coupled with the name Christ, that might help carry the...

Camus! How the heck are ya! So great to read this piece, mentors and true human idols are rare and wonderful. I liked reshuffle g about your experience and his influence. The opening images work quite well. I really appreciated that you did not stop short of diving into your own process about his pr...

Firebird, I wonder if you might not use the word/image of gate in some way here to further the paradox you’re aiming for. I think you might stick your neck out and say a bit more on the subject. “No back to it” describes the object more than the depth I think you’re trying to illustrate. Good luck w...

Firebird, Thank you for reading. You’re pretty much spot on and I agree that Not had some fine points. I was surprised that you found N to favor milfs herself. That hadn’t occurred to me but I don’t mind the implication. What’s important to me that might align with that is a certain strength or self...

Not! Brilliant thoughts from you on this, I will use several of your suggestions. I always wonder if I should adapt my spelling to the Brit-familiar such as “favourite” when I am posting here. I also get some heck about the American “math” instead of UK’s “maths.” Though in this case it seemed to be...

Ethereal. Abstractly so for my tastes but certainly it presents a moment of reflection. Not sure what she is confessing here. It all seems so innocent. "Fresh cut grass" might be replaced by a fresher image to better illuminate the rest of the story. Nothing singular or universal is yet co...

10 years older is probably my favorite  type of MILF he says and here I am about twice what a man any age really needs but for him, exactly that. Generating the gap with interview type answer/question pairs such as this, intent to learn his influences, I begin to see what he sees, absorb his love of...

Hahaha! I love this David. Timely. Hard to class Marvin amongst Weinstein and all those other so-and-sos but how can you resist capitalizing on that lyric? I'm glad you did. I don't scan meter but it sure feels alright with the rhymes landing nicely. And "puissant!" Such lovely word play f...

Hi Firebird, I love a good extended metaphor. Thing is they are tricky. I think this would work for a certain audience and I certainly think you have improved it. I enjoy when people are willing to show their revision process like this, so many reminders about what makes a poem right (or closer to r...

Mac and Stranger,

Thanks so much for reading and commenting (and Stranger, that's about the best undeserved compliment I've ever received in my poetry, wow).

You've all given me some great feedback to work with.

Jane

Cheers you guys, this is great feedback.

Glad to back in here, life’s been kicking my butt right down the street lately.

Some interesting poems to consider and comment on too...

Jane

"It was not the axe, however, but a branch fastened to a withered tree which the wind was blowing backwards and forwards.” .................. - Hansel & Gretel Hardened by the great forest, we live as grim wife and split wood-cutter amongst a litter of empties and knuckled towels. Every ca...

"Her dirty bombs perfume." So many others but too hard to quote using the iPhone. This is great, Not. Seriously fun to read. Enhanced because over the past week I've been smiling every time I read your sign-off or others reply to your poems or crits. Like the other guys, I'll come back to ...

YUSSS! Peter! Your comment encourages me that I can actually make this work. The title on the original was "Transaction" but I am still looking for the right title. And there are a few areas I can see will make this come across with a little reduction in the obscurity factor. Glad you drop...

Thank you Seth. That made me smile. Thank you Ray and Not. You've helped me see clearly what I need to do next and I think I know how I can better present this transaction. Ray, glad you caught Hansel and Gretel. Not sure if I should push the fairy tale thing as hard as I do with "Cinderella St...

hahahaha!

Truth.

I will admit to an old pair of black ones I let hang around by the front door. For gardening.