Poetry Forum

Thank you one and all for your very interesting feedback, which has given me some serious food for thought. Having written poetry for about forty years (and yes, I know that doesn’t make me an expert) but what I have learnt is to not criticise a poets content. That is a personal thing, however, havi...

Where are the words that once flowed from a fountain now frozen, quiet and still; yet, when its blanket of ice takes a blow the crystals will shatter into a thousand pieces; sharp, piercing, cold. The silent tongue, frost-bitten and blistered, is simply not worthy of the sweetest liquor that tries t...

Hi Ron I enjoyed this - lots of vivid images bringing the scene to life. But (only a small but) the line "she tower's over meaty expire" doesn't work for me and needs tweaking I think - and is the apostrophe right? Thanks for reading. Your are right of course, the apostrophe shouldn't be ...

Symbols adrift like bobbing debris On rumpled surface of paper sea; Paper soaked with thoughts from me, Wrinkled crinkled, paper sea. Pots of idioms pouring like tea On rumpled surface of paper sea; Pencil writes as quick as me, Wrinkled crinkled, paper sea. Words are flowing, fast and free On rumpl...

Thank you Kris for reading. Why do you say your comments are negative. If your remarks are honest and written in a manner to help me progress, then surely they can be nothing but positive, constructive comments. The poem is an imitation of the decriptive poems of the 1600s and 1700s, which may or ma...

Hi, Ron "Hibernator of the seasons" needs to go IMHO - it's a non-sequitur. Also you're asking questions (with "why") but with no corresponding questions marks. Sporn/ spawn ? Geoff Thank you Geoff. Changes have been made as suggested. As for the question mark, I have been exper...

When independence comes there'll be a jig or two. No doubt a reel or three. No doubt a tune. A few. But the world'll be no juster for the likes of me and you. The only problem I have with this one is the contractions 'there'll' and 'world'll' To me, the poem flows better with 'there will' and 'worl...

Alas, it doesn't work like that, Ron. A poem will garner the comments it gets, pretty much regardless of where it's posted. The question of who should actually post where can be a vexed one, but I'm inclined to think that people should follow their heart. That is possibly not a majority opinion, th...

What a difference breaking that long line has made, which incredibly, has made a complete stanza on its own. Much more pleasing to the eye.

It's pleasant enough, Ron, and I like the 3rd verse - circus acts might be better. I don't think simply commenting that the spiders and mice are still busy is the best way to end a poem, though. Thank you for reading. Your comments will be considered in my revised version. My reason for adding thos...

Thank you my friend. No offence meant. Best regards.

Yes, you have read it, and made comments. But as far as I understand it, when a poem has been revised I have the privilege of moving it on to the experienced board if I wanted to go for a more in-depth crit; or am I going mad for trying to progress?

I find this a great poem; concise, spacious and light on the page with smooth, free flowing words. My kind of poem.

Enjoyable poem that reads smooth to me, but then I came across 'rouge was red'. As someone has already pointed out, rouge is red, which makes one of the words redundant.

Old Suffolk barn rustic, ragged weather-beaten forts with twisting, beamed interiors and cloudy red rooftops over silk thread netting in dark corners and hungry spiders with twitchy legs feeling for their lunch. Mice, scout in hidden holes for fragments of food, darting, in and out of crumbled brick...

Ok Ron - apologies if I offended you it wasn't my intent. I will leave you to it. elph There was no offence taken, I hope I haven't caused any offence; none was intended. i just couldn't understand why the remark was made and felt I had to voice my opinion. I appreciate all the advice given so far ...

Ron I noticed you asked about moving up to Experienced. There is nothing to stop you posting there but IMO only I am not seeing you incorporate the crits from here yet. Now that is also fine - they are your poems. As Peter said it is the lack of a wider dimension that is lacking. What poetry do you...

BenJohnson wrote:Hi Ron,

For me the poem ends here 'as she waits…', you have built up a certain mystery in the first two verse and revealed it at this point, anything beyond that feels like food for another poem.

What about splitting it as scene I and scene II?

(2nd version - note title change) PRIMEVAL TACTICS Spinning for spoils with crafts of cunning, an ambush is set; taut and finely tuned like a fisherman with a net at the ready, Poised, with twitchy legs fused on filaments, expectation builds for the quiver of silver… Strands vibrate, adrenalin on fi...

My comments for this poem is based on personal taste, not poetic techinique, although I do detect pleasing elements of poetic devices of alliteration and assonance. The main problems I had was the extra long sentence, which I found a little off putting, no matter how poetic it might read. It ruined ...

For an ice-cold beer
and a packet of crispies
you can enjoy life

How, or who, can decide if a poem in the beginners board is ready, or can be, moved to the experienced board for further critique? Comments in the beginners board seems to have come to a halt, which is suggesting to me that nothing more can be added at that level.

Thank you all for your warm welcome. I'm hoping to improve my craft of writing poetry and hopfully help others on this list in return.

(2nd revision: plus title change) OLD FATHER WINTER old father winter do you not know, when you sleep you miss the love affair between earth and sun when in their embrace they spawn new life in the bed of nature and sights and sounds emerge from the womb of dirt the yap of foxes in their dens are he...

Arian wrote:Yes, that chicks amend has made a difference. Good section, that.

Why has Swallows got a cap S? Or is it a typo?

Will look out for your next one
peter

It was a typo I meant to correct; thanks for pointing it out.