Poetry Forum

i really like the image, i don't know why but i imagined a hare in a snow covered field with a forest in the background as the sun is rising
thanks for the read

best regards art

enjoying the perks you’ll never feel I wonder if you couldn't work on the first stanza a little to bring out that freedom. The first line does it, but then the word imprisoned (even though it's describing the tree) and engulfed and eaten don't give us an image of a man enjoying perks. Jackie mmmh, ...

thank you all very much! david2 - i'll try! i find it difficult to write within a fixed form, it's hard for me not to compromise the picture or message i want to convey, but it's definitely something to work on jackie - i agree with you, that sentence does seem out of place, but i'm just not sure ho...

hi david, thanks for your comment - in my mind, the poem isn't set in time as such, it's just a portrait of two people

best regards art

hi jackie, i liked it, i interpreted the point as being that a won war is seen like a win and the consequences aren't considered, those being consequences being the traumas people live and aren't helped with

best regards art

He lies under stars and leaves on a lone tree imprisoned by concrete Engulfed by gray hair and broken glass, he’s eaten by eyes of occasional passers-by You roll to work in tonnes of steel Merging into a stream of ants, you gaze upon the solitary man enjoying the perks you’ll never feel and from a m...

i very much like this jackie

best regards art

Hi Arty, I'm not sure if that last line means, "And leave me silently," or "And leave me silent." (Who is silent?) I'm trying to understand why you are bound to this person--why grab the fingers? Why hang around? The relationship could work for me if the "you" is a par...

thank you two very much for the critique! i've made some changes, what do you think of the new ending line?

best regards art

i grab your mechanical fingers meet your electric gaze you tell me of the world and calculated ambitions i tell you of my dreams you kiss me with cold lips and tell me to keep quiet revised: i grab your mechanical fingers meet your electric gaze you tell me of the world and calculated ambitions i sh...

As a drummer I refute the idea that drums lack movement! Do an hour set and tell me what you think! And marching drums? Seriously? Static? Okaaayy....... B. haha i'm sorry man, that's not how i meant it, merely that drums have the same constant pitch and that string instruments have motion in the s...

thanks a lot for the comment! i definitely follow you in your music/motion point. the sun/drum picture actually makes sense to me as well, i see drums and percussion instruments as a static thing in contrast violins and clarinets, which go up and down in pitch and thereby are dynamic in my eyes. i g...

thanks a lot for taking your time to write that post, it makes sense to me. as a musician, i am used to walking the line between originality/familiarity, consonance/dissonance when i write, never before consciously though
again, thank you for the answer

art

definitely liked it man, especially the Fmaj C Em part

Well, if you're new to it, I'd say it shows considerable promise. The first half is perhaps a little too reliant on cliche, while the second half - in contrast - uses images so left-field that they hardly seem credible, but you nonetheless evoke a nice sense of a lazy sunny day. There's a lot of st...

silence the sun coats the green fields of spring with golden warmth silence the low hum of a car, melodies of bird song the washing machine washing dirt off the past trees starved by winter stretch to catch a ray of sun a cup of tea steams lightly, disturbing the fine air lumps of clothes, dishes of...