Poetry Forum

I did think the rhyme was a bit forced and it was all a bit too obvious. I like poems to throw me off a little, just to get me thinking.

They dance ahead of me in silent contentment. They pretend not to notice that I’m gasping for breath, and they continue winding blue ribbon around my feet so that I can keep up with them and fake running with them. When actually I’m running behind them. I decorated my sky with stars I made myself. I...

'Purple sky, bruised,
his twisted hand at his forehead
in a salute.'

^^ In my opinion that stanza was the best part of the poem...

But I didn't understand the part were you said:

white suited men who's,
last breath was ocean

Why the last breath an ocean?

Like Barrie said I think you should forget the rhyming.

I didn’t understand this bit:

Hidden-Spirit wrote: Nothing is forever
Forever is nothing
It’s you’re clever
Surrender to forever

It confused me a little

16

Thanks... :D Yeah, I go to the saints quite often. I’m a pretty big fan of the rugby :) 'Not since you painted their fragile wings with silver.' Hmm, I think it sounds a bit stumped without the ‘sheen gloss’. But maybe that’s just me Instead of 'they shake as you are near', - 'yet shake as you near'...

The fire has gone out
Leaving us all in darkness
Can you see me now?

I'll wait for you Until the snow falls on the other side Of the silver trees That still keep me company. The butterflies still die here, Nothing has changed. They have no freedom, Not since you painted their fragile wings With a silvery sheen gloss. I still hate you for that. My fingers are obliviou...

I quite liked it. Lots of imagery. It took me a while to figure out what it was about, but then I like poems that get me thinking

It's okay...
But it doesn’t really flow very well. The full stops at the end of every line put me off a little bit, and the rhyme was all over the show…

Hello all
I've taken a fair look around the fourms, haven't posted up untill now. Most of the work i've looked at on here is amasing, and i'm finding it difficult to make any crits! Maybe i'm thinking this forum is a little advanced for younglings such as me