Poetry Forum

Have you ever gone to sleep Woke up to catch your breath Noticed in that moment It stopped And took a step Much like a skip A dance of wind Lost behind you But suddenly here again Startled into wonder You stare into the darkened room You look around and ponder Why your breath it felt like doom As yo...

yes as someone shared, its wonderfully theatrical, that is what I loved about it..

how sad it was to read, but the reality of some lives, lives on in this way.. I like it, perhaps shorter lines that impact more so, I am not sure, but it feels like some lines are trying to convey in too many words, that could impact with less. But I am only a beginner so I wouldn't listen to me..lol

I love the original.
Foolish arrogance waved around in perfect depiction, that made me smile.....

Paula - When you step out of the box, you see perspectives not seen before. You draw on inner strengths not drawn on before. You write the words not written before to bring a vision perhaps not seen before. Somewhere in there is the poet's liberation. Enjoyed Paula. Namyh This is true, you understa...

Hi Paula, If you edit the first post you can put an edit above the original. Most posters are used to this approach and it makes new versions easy to find and compare to the original. ok thankyou.. -- It seems you've gone from one extreme to the other here... e.g. from very terse to very verbose. M...

I agree with the last reply that it is almost an entirely new poem. The idea of a chair moulded by use, into which other people might not sit easily, is a compelling image. Maybe concentrate on a couple of telling details about this chair, and let the rest speak for itself. Charles Simics Shoes is ...

Hi Paula I think your first draft of this poem was my favourite, its short, simple and yet carries one hell of a punch to it. I think the loneliness and longing was expressed beautifully and the rhythm scheme was really enjoyable. I feel that the new poem is more of an entirely new poem, maybe a fo...

I rewrote it...Dramatically lol.. In the familiar comfort of his fathers chair He allowed himself to submerge deeply The worn out impressions Carved a perfect fit around his frame It was protective and safe in many ways Wrapped around the indentations of another's life Threads of old age fabric, wea...

I liked the sounds/rhymes of this poem, esp. undress, distress but maybe the rhyme scheme is a bit of a straightjacket. I get the feeling that there is more that could be said/expressed with a looser ryme scheme, and a longer stanza line. Ok going to give this a go. Thankyou. Maybe without rhyme an...

[quote="Antcliff"]I suppose I was suggesting that the expression was, if not a cliche, then very familiar. I wonder if you think that a freshness to expression/comparison is something desirable if it can be introduced? Although it may be that you are playing a bit with the expression here....

Fire starter
Come to me
Light my fire
Set me free

Curtains drawn
His soul undressed
Exposed
Alone
in distress

The lonely man
Empty heart
Chambers closed
In his dark

His silent call
Speaks to me


Bring me out of this misery!

Its kind of sad, harsh, rough, intense and confronting all at the same time.


This commanding reflection flowing outward, makes me take notice..

God help me! I know the rules But something stirs To pen this duel! I know I shouldn't The rules they’re there But in this moment I have to share! Face this challenge of the governing body To withhold my flow I will post and lobby! Defend my right My creative flow To land and fire My poets bow Shoot...

Ok thankyou I see what you mean by last stanza first, I will play around with it and see what comes.

What do you mean by tad familiar..Do you mean don't use old familiar terms, find some new symbolism in meaning to bring a more interesting impact?

It reminds me of some of my early poems where I used a mix match mix of words that made complete sense to me, but no one else really understood.

I like it in a strange peculiar kind of way..and I mean that as a positive note..

Curtains drawn His soul undressed Exposed Alone in distress Lonely man Empty heart Chambers closed No inner spark Fire starters Come to me Light me up Set me free Bring me out of this misery. OoOoOoOoO In the familiar comfort of his fathers chair He allowed himself to submerge deeply The worn out im...

I love the simplicity of this poem,yet it strikes a deep chord of connection in me...Very nicely done.

I am like the post above...Winter come soon, for some reason misses something around the rest of the poem..Minor to me all the same..

Thanks for the insightful feedback David...Obviously my over use of metaphor didnt gel with your own style of processing, but it helps to know these things for those who are more in your own style of understanding and connecting..

It captured my imagination and the contrast within its message affected me more so this time around....I came back to re read this and allowed myself to connect deeper and see it differently. The first time I read it too fast and did not feel the flow and contrast within the view, I am glad I came b...

Oh your words rang in my heart today..finding the greater meaning in the little things, helps greatly.

I liked it very much, it powerfully sang a bittersweet song through my awareness of life and all its connections.....

Momentary silence whispers in her ear simplicity shines as it nears in her garland, so rare the aroma, a scent so delicate lingers in shades of merging colours its her time never mind..... Haunting memories forever embedded in her soul Her spirit travels the realms with every heartbeat its all subli...

thankyou both for that feedback, especially about repeating words...never realized it was there three times...

Hi Paula Am I right in thinking that this is your first post? And, possibly, to writing poetry? If so, congratulations on a piece which has a lot to commend it. It's nicely conceived, well paced and has a number of good lines. I particularly admired: Notes capture reflection mirroring a grandure (g...

Moving through the dance stepping in lighted motion succculent weaves dance to and fro Each step creates a breath of joyful symphonies awakened to the stirring heart that melts in time Notes capture reflection mirroring a grandure all of their own the master holds the key nothing is hidden A brisk w...